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THE 



BOOK OF APHORISMS. 



A MODERN PYTHAGOREAN. 



GLASGOW:— W. R. M'PHUN. 

MDCCCXXXIV. 



y\\ &a»*7f 



^3 



BELL AND BAIN, PRINTERS, GLASGOW. 



DrtitratrtJ 

TO 

fLttutenant Ifofjtt ©unit, 

©f tU Mosal Ittattnes, 

(ftlESGI-LI-, CAITHNESS,) 

&s a g)Itgftt, tmt berg gmtcm, Cesttmottg of iSsteent, 



After the formidable examples of Solomon, Hocfjefoti^ 
tmlt, Sbtzxttz, Sit JHorgan <©'23o!)ertg, and other retailers 
of wise and pithy sayings, an apology is probably 
necessary for the appearance of these Aphorisms. I 
have none to offer, but the hope that they may afford 
some little amusement to the reader, and, perhaps 
induce other writers to do something better in the 
same walk. They were all written in the evenings of 
September, 1832, for the purpose of whiling away a 
few idle hours, and are now printed at the sugges- 
tion of the Publisher. Whether I have done right 
in consenting to the publication of such trifles, is 
another affair. If any of the ideas are taken from 
others, (as is very probably the case,) I can only say, 
that I am perfectly unconscious of the appropriation, 
and that I have, in every case, endeavoured to be 
strictly original. It only remains to mention, that 
twelve dozen of the Aphorisms have already appeared 
in Fraser's Magazine : the rest are now published for 
the first time. 

& jWotretn Uetfjagomn. 



THE 



BOOK OF APHORISMS. 



If a person has had famous ancestors, he should 
never hoast thereof; lest people take it into their 
heads to draw a parallel between them and their de- 
scendant, which may not turn out altogether to his 
advantage. It has been well remarked that a man who 
has nothing but his ancestry to boast of, is like a tur- 
nip — the best part of him being under ground. 

The Irish have a national and incurable idiosyncrasy 
in favour of great-coats. In winter they wear them, 
to keep out the cold ; in summer, to keep out the 
heat. 



10 

Well-made people always look shorter than they 
really are. 

&pfjotfem jf ourtf). 

It argues great baseness to affront a man, or even 
to quiz him, with the view of annoyance, where he is 
so situated that he cannot, or dare not, resent the 
offence. For instance, I have seen men in the pre- 
sence of their wives, mothers, sisters, &c. say rude 
things to others, which the latter, from delicacy, did 
not, under such circumstances, like to reciprocate. 
Fellows who are capable of doing this are cowards, 
and should be well kicked, to teach them better man- 
ners. 

fttfiorfem iFtftfj. 

The finest potatoe is the Laltedal, — so denominated 
by the Irish. 

&pf)ori<mt £txtl). 

It is a bad sign of a very young man, when he is 
much given to talking in mixed companies and before 
strangers. It is a certain proof of consummate puppy- 
ism and self-conceit, and invariably indicates a want 
of due modesty. 



11 

Stately, reserved, and dignified people are asses. 

®$f)(\ximx i£tgf)t!). 

Some of our greatest poets have been confounded 
coxcombs. Milton was vain of his ample forehead and 
fine flowing locks, and Byron of his elegant and aris- 
tocratic-looking hand — to say nothing of his hair, 
which he cherished as the apple of his eye. 

Women have a much keener insight into character 
than men. 

&pfj0risttt CetrtJ. 

A Tory in humble life must be a person of sterling 
integrity and independence. I say nothing of his 
wisdom : that is a matter of opinion. 

&pf)on<mt aHsfoetttj). 
Pomposity and stupidity are synonymous. 

StyQotfem Ctoelftf). 

Men who speak sneeringly of female intellect are, 
in almost every instance, distinguished for stupidity 
and self-conceit. 



12 



&pfjoristtt €f)ivUtnt% 
The best slang poetry we have is that which appears 
in " Bell's Life in London." Moore has also done 
some good things in the same way, although his most 
elaborate effort, " Tom CribUs Memorial to Congress" 
is a decided failure. The following lines from " Tom 
Cribb's Epistle to Big Ben/' are beautifully alliterative : 

Great shade of the cheesemonger, you who, alas ! 
Doubled up, by the dozen, the mounseers in brass. 

Perhaps the strongest passion in the human mind is 
the love of power. What else can tempt people to 
accept of governorships in that detestable charnel-house 
Sierra Leone ? a settlement of which Theodore Hook 
made the witty remark, that it was always blessed with 
two governors, — one going out alive, the other coming 
home dead. 

&p!)orism tfii\nxd% 

The most egregious of puppies are our negro foot- 
men. 

&pf)orusm Sixteenth 

There is no quality by which a reputation for talent 
can be so easily acquired as good scholarship. 



13 

ftlftorfem SbttottUtntf). 
French mustard is a misnomer. The mixture so 
called is a composition of salt, vinegar, mustard, and 
pepper. 

gtyfjortsro <£tgtjteentf). 

A little man, or a man who is very thin, should never 
wear a broad-brimmed hat. 

apjorfem Nineteenth 

Talking of broad-brimmed hats, I am of opinion 
that the vainest of the human race are the Quakers. 
It is nothing but vanity which makes Obadiah affect 
this and other peculiarities of dress. 

&pf)orism &toentietf). 

Next to signing a death-warrant, the most disagree- 
able task in which a man can employ his pen, is that 
of writing out a certificate. 

&pSoru$m Ctoentg^jf trst 

Most of the eminent poets of the present day, such 
as Wordsworth, Southey, Coleridge, Hogg, Wilson, and 
Moir, have fair hair : so had Shelley and Sir Walter 
Scott ; and so to a considerable extent had Lord Byron 
— his hair being a light auburn. 



14 



Authors should review their own works. This is a 
good rule, and, I am happy to say, is now very generally 
followed. 

&ptJotfem Cfottttg'ffi&tttr. 

Married people are constantly recommending matri- 
mony to their unmarried friends. This puts one in 
mind of the fox that lost his tail. 

partem Cfoentg^df cmttf). 

Nothing is more disgusting to third parties than con- 
jugal squabbles. If men and their better-halves are 
determined to quarrel, let them do so in private ; and 
not expose their ill -tempers to the eye of the world. 

If a man and his wife have a dispute on any subject, 
and you are referred to as umpire, make it an invari- 
able rule to decide in favour of the lady. 

&pf)ori<mt 1RtotntfcSbitt% 

It is a good rule, however, in all cases of dispute, 
whether conjugal or otherwise, to decline, when prac- 
ticable, the office of umpire. By acting in that capa- 
city, you are sure to displease one party or other. 



15 



&PtJotfem fttoentg^ebentfj. 
Find fault as seldom as possible, and never without 
a just cause. If you do so frequently, and for insuf- 
ficient reasons, not only will the object of your censure 
cease to respect you, but will become careless of pleas- 
ing you. 

Ignorant, illiterate people are particularly apt to 
pique themselves upon their good sense, and seem to 
think that in this quality they greatly surpass the 
talented and well-informed. The absurdity of such a 
notion is extremely amusing. In what manner good 
sense can be fostered by ignorance, it would puzzle a 
casuist to demonstrate. 

The term Esquire is now at a discount among all 
men of rank and sense. Nobody seems to care a rush- 
light about it, except barbers, tailors' apprentices, and 
clerks on small salaries. 

gtyfjor im ffifjirttetf). 

Our first-rate works of genius have been almost all 
produced currente calamo. I am often astonished at 
the excellence of a work, never at the rapidity with 



16 



which it was written. It is much easier to conceive 
that " Humphrey Clinker" and " Guy Mannering" 
were written in three months than in as many years. 

&pt)orfem €f}ivt&jfinL 

The most insufferable puppy is a young one, espe- 
cially if he has just come off his travels. Most men 
are puppies from eighteen till twenty-four ; many all 
their lives. 

&pfjorism €%irtfc&ttovfo. 

Never believe a man to be clever on the authority 
of any of his acquaintances. These reputed geniuses 
are veiy often blockheads. 

&pfjortsm CJirtg^CJirtr. 

The greatest visionaries of the present day are the 
Utilitarians. The theories of Jeremy Bentham and his 
disciples will never be realized in practice. 

I never met with any person who could tell who was 
the second king of Israel. They invariably say David, 
whereas Ishbosheth was the person — having, on the 
death of Saul, been placed over Israel (not Judah, re- 
member) by Abner, Captain of the Host. 



17 



Married men are, generally speaking, longer-lived 
than bachelors. This is certainly one inducement to 
matrimony, — seeing this holy state has so many draw- 
backs. 

&g!jotfem Cfjtrtg'Sbtxtf). 

Of all characters, the most insipid is a lover. 

When a man is really in love with a girl, he keeps 
it to himself, and never likes to be quizzed upon the 
subject. 

If you have children who are learning drawing, do 
not pester visitors by exhibiting their productions. In 
ninety-nine cases out of a hundred, these are vile daubs ; 
and any praise they may extort is a piece of mere 
compliment, for the purpose of flattering your own 
foolish vanity and turning the heads of your offspring. 

Good singers who wish to maintain dignity of 
character, should not be too ready in exhibiting their 
vocal powers. Somehow, it is difficult for a man who 
sings much in company to make himself respected. 



18 

Rtftymm df orttetf). 
Good singers, however, or those who fancy them- 
selves to he such, are great bores. The airs which 
they assume in company are most insufferable. If 
* asked for a song, they affect, with an aspect of the 
most hypocritical humility, that really they cannot 
sing, that their voice is out of order, that they are 
hoarse, and so forth ; the fellows all the while being 
most anxious to show off, — only wishing to be pressed, 
in order to enhance their own importance, and stimu- 
late the curiosity of the company. Nor is this the 
worst of the case, for no sooner do they perpetrate one 
song than they volunteer a dozen, interlarding the 
intervals between their performances with pedantic 
disquisitions on music, and flooring every man who 
ventures to hazard an opinion on the subject. These 
people, whether amateur or professional, must be ex- 
tinguished ; and the best way to accomplish their over- 
throw, and reduce them to their native insignificance, 
is, in the first instance, to take them at their word, and 
not urge them to sing. By doing so they immediately 
take the pet, and sport mum for the rest of the even- 
ing. The same remark applies to musical people in 
general, whether in the shape of fiddlers, fluters, horn- 
blowers, thumpers on the piano-forte, &c. These 
individuals can think of nothing else but their favourite 



19 



pursuit, and imagine all the world to be equally inter- 
ested in it. Take a musician off music, and he is the 
most ignorant of animals. — A good story in illustra- 
tion of this is told about Madame Catalani. Being at 
a large party in Vienna, where Gothe was present, she 
was much surprised at the great respect with which 
that illustrious man was treated. On inquiring his 
name, she was informed that it was the celebrated 
Gothe. " Celebrated ! " said the syren ; " what music 
did he ever compose ? Why, I never heard of him." 
It is a fact, that some musical lady, when Rossini was 
all the rage in London, took his arm, and, leading him 
to the Duke of Wellington, took his grace's arm also. 
" My lady," said Rossini, " you lean on the two 
greatest men in Europe." The Duke did not kick him 
down stairs : he only smiled 

&pf)crtsm jfovtfcdfixzt 

If you really are a good singer, and are asked much 
out, depend upon it it is on account of your voice, and 
not from any feeling of respect or good-will winch is 
entertained towards yourself. 

U$f)ovim iFortg'gecontr. 

Don't marry a fashionable woman, or one who is 
reputed highly accomplished. 



20 



A girl much given to dancing can hardly find accep- 
tance in the eyes of a man of true delicacy. Such a 
mans mind must revolt more or less at the idea of his 
mistress twirling round in the waltz, or quadrilling it 
with a set of fellows, the veiy touch of whose fingers 
upon her delicate person he must feel as a sort of 
sacrilege. For this reason, young ladies should dance 
little, or not at all, in the presence of their lovers. 

&P$«msm if ortg^ ourtf). 

Don't many a girl who has the reputation of being 
exceedingly amiable. These immensely amiable crea- 
tures, upon a more intimate acquaintanceship, are 
generally found to have a pretty considerable spice of 
mischief in their composition ; although they have the 
art of making themselves appear like perfect doves to 
common observers. A girl who has no particular 
reputation of any kind will generally be found to have 
fewest faults, and to make the best wife. 

&pSomm df ortg^ff tftfj. 

Men are more intensely selfish than women. There 
are infinitely more instances of devotion, and of the 
entire surrender of their own interests at the shrine of 
affection and duty, in the annals of women than of men. 



21 



I have a profound veneration for great liars, of a 
certain class. On this account Baron Munchausen, 
Major Longbow, and Ferdinand Mendez Pinto are my 
especial favourites. Men of this description are in- 
variably good tempered, benevolent, and generous, and 
will any day treat you to a bottle of wine, provided 
you do them the favour of listening to their adventures. 

fSLyftQvtovx jf ortg^ebentfj. 

Heroic liars, such as the Baron and Major, are a 
godly race ; but those who practise the sin in a small 
way, and keep fibbing about trifles, are a despicable 
crew, and should be held by the heels and soused head 
downmost in a firkin of small beer. 

&p!)orumt jf ott^iStgfjtf), 

" Charity begins at home" There is no sentence 
so much abused as this. It is the favourite apothegm 
of the hard-hearted and penurious, who employ it as 
an excuse for their want of generosity, and as a cloak 
for their selfishness. 

gtyfjorumt ,df urtg^jBUtttf). 

A coquette, if not a fool, must be a knave. Coquetry 
has its origin either in giddiness or dishonesty. 



22 



&*>!)orumt jf tftietfj. 
Tnist not the honesty of any politician when he is 
out of power. The difference produced in the conduct 
of men by place and pension, gives us a painful picture 
of human nature, and shows how little to be trusted 
are all the fine declarations constantly made in favour 
of liberty and economy by those patriots who have not 
got a share of the loaves and fishes. 

Great sentimentalists are great blockheads. 

The same remark applies to those persons who in- 
dulge in giving you descriptions of fine scenery. 

&p!)ortgm ;ff tft^Cfjtrtr. 

The criticism in all the English language capable of 
inflicting most confusion and dismay upon its luckless 
author — next to the one written by Lord Brougham on 
Wordsworth's " Excursion/' — is that which either he 
or Mr. Jeffrey penned in the Edinburgh Review 
against Byron's Hours of Idleness. The sapient 
critic counsels him " that he do forthwith abandon 
poetry, and turn his talents to better account." He 
further assures him " that a certain portion of liveli- 



23 



ness, somewhat of fancy, is necessary to constitute a 
poem," — meaning, of course, that he who in a short 
time was to astonish the world by the splendour of his 
powers, and prove himself one of the greatest poets of 
modern times, was deficient in these qualities. It was 
fortunate for English literature that Byron had a good 
spice of the Evil One in his composition. Had he been 
a timid creature, like Keats or Kirke White, he would 
have struck his colours, followed the critic's advice, 
and the world would thus have been deprived of 
" Harold," " Lara," and other immortal works. 

apjotfcm Jf tft^jfourtfj. 

Those who are most ardently solicitous of obtaining 
praise, and make the greatest efforts to attain it, are 
generally less successful than those who give them- 
selves no trouble about the matter. The latter often 
do unconsciously what procures this kind of incense ; 
while the extreme care and anxiety of the former veiy 
frequently defeat the purpose they have in view, — so 
perversely do people refuse a man what he longs for, 
and give him what he is indifferent about. 

&pf)orumt jf tftiKif tftl). 

For meats, there is no fork equal to a steel one, 
although it must be allowed that the silver fork is 



24 



decidedly preferable when there is fish in the case. 
Talking of steel forks (begging Theodore Hook's par- 
don), I cannot help thinking that any man who affects 
a detestation of these useful implements, and pretends 
that on no account can he use them in discussing his 
victuals, is a conceited prig. 

There are some persons whose wrath is felt to be 
formidable, and excites respect, even when grounded 
upon no rational provocation. There are others, in 
whom the display of this passion, though ever so justi- 
fiable, only gives rise to laughter, and is felt to be 
utterly ridiculous. Nor does this necessarily depend 
upon the appearance and physical strength of the indi- 
vidual, for I have seen strong men whose anger, like 
that of a child's, was matter of derision, and excited 
neither respect nor fear ; while that of others, weak in 
body and insignificant in aspect, was at once acknow- 
ledged to impress the spectators with both feelings, and 
to inspire them with emotions of involuntary respect. 
All this depends upon the force of the individual's 
character. A dwarf with a great share of such energy 
may excite more respect than a giant who is destitute 
of it. Had Frederick the Great moved in ordinary 
life, the unimposing slightness of his appearance would 



25 



not have stood in the way of making his resentments 
be powerfully felt. It is owing to such causes that 
there are some men whom people are indifferent about 
angering, and others whom they would not offend for 
almost any consideration. 

No man of a less intellectual calibre than Sir Isaac 
Newton or Laplace is entitled to be absent in company. 
Some blockheads affect mental abstraction for the pur- 
pose of being thought men of genius. 

Eloquent men should never be made members of 
parliament. There is naturally so much depravity in 
the human heart, and so little wisdom in the human 
head, that those who possess the gift of eloquence are 
just as likely to employ it in the cause of mischief as 
in that of good. What portion of benefit did this na- 
tion ever derive from the eloquence of Canning and 
many others ? 

A well-made woman always looks ill in a man's 
dress, while she who in such a costume appears to ad- 
vantage is necessarily ill-made. 



26 

^tjorfem g>txttetf). 
Arguers and spouters are invariably asses. 

&pfjorism SbixtfrjFixift. 

Talking of spouting puts me in mind of an abomin- 
able habit some parents have got of making Tommy or 
Billy get up and recite some favourite piece of decla- 
mation, such as " The Pet Lamb/' " Lochiel's Warn- 
ing," or " Lochinvar." You are obliged to listen to 
and praise the little urchins, while you are heartily wishing 
them and their rhetoric at the bottom of the Red Sea. 

^pjortsm Sixtg^Secotttr. 

Never open letters addressed to your children, unless 
you have reason to suspect that they contain some- 
thing improper. This practice is not only in itself 
hurtful to that proper pride which should always be 
encouraged in young people, but it teaches them dis- 
honourable habits; for how can children respect the 
sacredness due to a sealed letter, when they see it 
violated by their own parents. 

People look taller in surtouts than in coats; on 
which account little men should patronise the former. 



27 



£p!)ori<mt g:ixifcjfouxff). 
I would a thousand times rather pass an evening 
in the company of an unassuming blockhead, than in 
that of a pert man of genius. Men of genius, however, 
are seldom pert. This quality belongs, in a more 
especial manner, to merely clever men, of whom there 
are in this planet more than enough. 

When you hear a man spoken of as being interesting, 
depend upon it he is a ninny. 

P. S. This remark does not apply to a woman. 

&pi)0rfem Sixt£-£txtfj. 

The most difficult department of riding, is to trot 
well. To leap the horse as high and as far as his 
action will carry him is considered the triumph of the 
equestrian art ; but perfect out-and-out trotting is still 
more difficult. Place a first-rate horseman of thirteen 
stone, and a second-rater of ten, upon horses equally 
good, and the former will out-trot the latter in spite of 
his teeth. I have seen this tried, and the result was 
the same even when the parties, after the first trial, 
changed horses : the heavy man beating the light one 
upon either horse. The easiest riding pace is the 
canter, and is invariably adopted by those who cannot 



28 



ride, by which means, when going a long journey, they 
invariably knock-up their steeds. 

ftjftorigm Stxtg^ebentfl. 

Byron had an idea that a soft, white hand indicated 
gentle blood, and was the characteristic of a gentleman. 
If this is the case, in what class are we to place weavers, 
whose hands in whiteness and softness will vie with a 
lady's. Robert the Bruce, Coeur de Lion, and " Bell 
the Cat," were, we presume, gentlemen ; yet it may be 
safely affirmed that their hands were not of the softest 
in the world. 

No man in the middle ranks of life should ever 
appear shabbily dressed: the privilege of being so 
belongs exclusively to the nobility and the mobility. 

^SSotiSW g>txt£=lSf(ttt!). 
If a man in the middle ranks, and in good circum- 
stances, sports shabby toggery, you may pronounce him 
a conceited coxcomb. He evidently thinks himself a 
man of talent, and imagines that on this account he is 
entitled to dress differently from the rest of his caste. 

&p!)orfem SbzUntittfj. 
These imaginary geniuses are great bores. Young 



29 



men who, for the first time in their lives, have suc- 
ceeded in obtaining a college prize, or in getting 
admittance into a magazine, are apt to conceive them- 
selves something better than small beer ; and on the 
strength of their supposed accomplishments consider 
themselves justified in appearing among decent com- 
pany with an old coat, a dirty shirt, and probably 
patched inexpressibles ; to say nothing of the privilege 
they claim of being very listless and absent, of sighing, 
looking vastly melancholy and interesting, and perhaps 
of falling asleep during the music. 

&pf)ott<3m §btbtnt&jFix*t 

The most difficult thing in the world is to talk good 
nonsense. No person can do it but one of first-rate 
ability. The nonsense of a man of genius is better 
than other people's sense. 

A man may live fifty years without talking a particle 
of nonsense, and yet be a blockhead. Indeed, a man 
who never talks nonsense is more likely to be a block- 
head than one who occasionally does. 

&pjotfem gtebetttfisffi&ittr. 
A person who dislikes cards, backgammon, chess, 



30 



draughts, &c. should never learn these games. If he 
is known to be able to take a hand at them he will 
often have to do so for the purpose of obliging others 
and discommoding himself. On the contrary, by being 
in a state of blessed ignorance with regard to them, he 
can always escape the annoyance. For the above 
reason, I have studiously avoided acquiring a know- 
ledge of whist : gaming, either for love or money, is 
what I could never tolerate. 

Next to the braying of an ass, the most abominable 
sound uttered by any animal is the scream of the 
peacock. Well has BufFon described this creature as 
having the beauty of an angel, the voice of a devil, 
and the guts of a thief. 

&pf)ottsm Sebentg^if tftfj. 

At a dinner party, always endeavour to seat yourself 
close to the landlord, as you thus avoid carving. A 
place alongside the landlady is dangerous, especially if 
she has a couple of fowls placed before her. 

&pf)orism g>ebettt^g>txtj). 

When you cannot manage to ensconce yourself next 
the landlord, try and fix upon a place opposite to which 



31 



there is nothing which requires to be carved or helped 
out. If you are unable altogether to escape scot-free, 
you may take up a position vis-a-vis to a dish of 
potatoes or cauliflower, the serving of which will not 
materially interfere with your masticatory operations. 
P. S. Try if possible to avoid being placed between 
two ladies. 

&plj0ttgttt Sbebentg^bentf), 

Mankind have been for ages in raptures with the 
Venus di Medici, on account of its exquisite beauty 
and proportion ; and yet the head of this famous statue 
is so small that its owner, if alive, could not have 
possessed average intellect. Surely this is a defect, 
for though we never can conceive Venus in the light 
of a sage, it is hardly consistent to regard her as a fool. 
The Immortal Gods, we suspect, entertained a different 
opinion of the Queen of Beauty. She was more rogue 
than fool. 

&pf)ortsm Sebentg-BtgDtfj- 

There is no solitude like that of a great city, and the 
greater the city is, the greater the solitude. You may 
live in Paris or London for twenty years, and yet not 
know, nor be known by, your next-door neighbour. 
This is delightful, and most unlike the vile gossip of 



32 



small towns, where every one is known by every body, 
and where the most trivial circumstances are pryed 
into with annoying curiosity. A great town enlarges, 
a small one contracts the mind. In the former you 
can have either society or solitude, as you desire it ; in 
the latter, you can often have neither. 

&pfjorfent S?ebentg=#mtf). 

Men should never salute their wives before third 
persons. I mention this, as I have more than once had 
occasion to witness this foolish practice. Indeed, all 
demonstrations of love should be avoided in the pre- 
sence of others, as they only render the parties ridi- 
culous. 

apfjorfem <Etgf)ttetl). 

When a man finds it convenient to tell a lie, he 
should sport a good thumping one when he is about it. 
If a great lie serves his purpose better than a little one, 
why hesitate between the two, when the sin is equally 
great in both cases ? The former has this advantage, 
that when detected its enormity may be so great as to 
enable the person to pass it off as a piece of quizzery, 
which can never be done with the latter. 

An equivocation is a most contemptible vice, and the 



33 



person who deals in it is a poor creature, compared to 

whom a liar, especially if an out-and-outer, is a species 

of hero. 

&P$omm <£tgl)tg^ccitttr. 

The greater the reputation of a man for learning and 
genius, the more nonsense will he talk. Such men can 
afford, occasionally, to play the fool on the strength of 
the renown which they have gained ; while they who 
have no reputation to go upon must be contented to 
walk perpetually in the paths of wisdom, and eschew 
folly as a pastime too dangerous for them to indulge in. 

&pf)ortsm <£tgf)tg=€f)trtr. 

As gravity is sometimes mistaken for wisdom, so do 
pertness and flippancy often pass for wit. 

&pf)orfem 3Etgt)t2=if ourtl). 

No man of any mind will willingly live in a small 
town, if he has the means of residing in a large one. 

It is extremely ridiculous to see a dance without 
hearing the music, especially when the musicians are' 
invisible. It is like an effect without a cause, and 
gives those engaged in it the appearance of lunatics. 
I remember of being much struck with the force of 
C 



34 



this remark while standing on one of the bridges in 
Paris, and seeing a number of washerwomen dancing 
about a quarter of a mile off. It was during the fete 
des Blanchiseuses, which, with these ladies, is held as a 
jubilee. 

All genuine fishermen are agreed that old Izaak 
Walton knew little or nothing of angling. He cut a 
figure among the Cockneys, but beside a thorough-bred 
angler he would have been nobody. The best anglers 
in the kingdom are those of Tweedside, and they all 
agree in considering Izaak an ignoramus in the art. 

&pf)0rtsm <£i0f)tg-Sebettt?). 
The most concentrated definition in the English 
language, is that which Dean Swift gives of a fishing- 
rod. " A stick and a string, with a worm at one end 
and a fool at the other." And yet I have known fisher- 
men who were not exactly fools. 

&pfjorumt <£igfjtg=3£tg!jtf). 

The most pure and exquisite pleasure which a man 
can experience, is at the moment when the girl to whom 
he is fondly attached, but of whose affection he is 
doubtful, confesses that she loves him. 



35 



&pijoru>m <Etg!)tgsjBttntf). 
Superficial thinkers have generally much fluency of 
language. It is on this account that they are so often 
good speakers. 

&pf)ortem Ntnettetf). 

Don't many a woman who is twin to a brother. If 
you do, you will run every chance of being childless. 
Remember free-martins. 

&pfjotfem Nmetg-jf trst 

Lean men should not marry lean women, nor corpu- 
lent men corpulent women. The fat kine and the lean 
kine should go together. 

Red haired fortune-hunters should try their luck in 
Spain, that colour being at a premium among the fair 
sex of the peninsula. 

&pf)ort«mt Nutetg=&t)tttr. 

The extinction of national customs is always to be 
regretted. The quadrille, waltz, and gallopade, have 
expelled the country-dance from amongst us ; and our 
own music is fast disappearing before the influence of 
French, German, and Italian airs. John Bull is a most 



36 



contradictory animal. No person has such an opinion 
of himself, or such a consciousness of superiority, and 
yet he is constantly sacrificing his own peculiarities to 
those of foreign countries. While affecting to despise 
other nations, he is always aping them. 

&pl)orfem Hinetg^ outtl). 

I never knew a person with a badly developed head 
who was a believer in Phrenology. 

Great power of mind, and great elegance of man- 
ners, are nearly incompatible. It is difficult for a man 
of genius to be an adept in the graces of the drawing- 
room. Powerful minds have an originality and in- 
tractability about them, which render it extremely 
difficult for them to fall into that ease and conventional 
politeness, which are considered to constitute the 
finished gentleman. The politeness of a man of genius 
is more that of nature than of art. 

&pf)ott8m Hmetg'&txtJj. 

When a tall and short man are walking arm in arm, 
the former is bound in honour to adapt the length of 
his step to that of the latter. The little fellows should 
make a point of asserting this privilege, which, I am 



37 



sorry to say, is generally violated by the giants, to the 
great annoyance of Lilliput. 

&P$im<$m Ntnerg^bettttJ. 
The much talked of hospitality of the monks of the 
great Saint Bernard is a lie. A set of more greedy 
knaves does not exist on the face of the earth. Try 
and get a crust of bread or a mouthful of sour wine 
at their hands without paying exorbitantly for it, and 
you will find yourself " pretty considerably mistaken," 
as Jonathan says. 

gtyfjottsm Ninetgs<£tgf)tt). 

It is absurd to say that women cannot keep secrets. 
I believe, that in this particular, they are quite equal 
to the other sex, and not a whit more apt to divulge 
what is entrusted to them. 

&pDorfem $utetg=#itttf). 

Unmarried people keep secrets better than those 
who are married. There is such a sympathy and 
mutual communication between man and wife, that 
they are apt to let each other into all the secrets 
which may chance to be communicated to them. 
This is not so much the case with the votaries of single 
blessedness. 



38 



&pf)orfem ®tte f^untrrefctf). 
Some people sport the ridiculous doctrine that 
there should be no secrets between man and wife. 
This is mere fudge, and must have originated with the 
ladies. 

One of the greatest bores to be met with, is a person 
who is fond of telling his dreams. The impertinence 
and stupidity of this practice are such, that all sensible 
people should combine to extinguish it. 

If a person tells a notorious and improbable lie, the 
best way is to match it with one still greater. This is 
the true method of flooring a bouncer. 

&p!)0rism #ne Hunfrretr atttr Cfjtrfr. 

A dishonest boy will never make an honest man. 
When he grows up to manhood, he may perhaps find 
it his interest to act honestly in his dealings, but for 
all that he is a knave at heart, and would cheat secun- 
dum artem, if it would farther his own ends better 
than integrity. " The boy's the father of the man." 
This was said by Wordsworth, and an invariably true 
saying it is. 



39 

apjorfem <&nz f^ttntrretr anfr if ourtjj. 
A whale is not a fish. See Cuvier. 

&pf}ortsm 0nz f^untrretr antr iFiftj. 

It would appear extremely absurd for any bard to 

invoke his fiddle, and yet the violin is a much finer 

instrument than the harp. This shows the omnipotence 

of old associations. Fiddles and fiddlers have been 

much ridiculed — the former most unjustly ; nor is it 

possible by any effort of reason, to obviate the ridicule 

attached to this glorious instrument. How absurd, for 

instance, in Byron, had he, in his delightful Hymn to 

Greece^ thus expressed himself, — 

" And must thy fiddle, so long divine, 
Degenerate into hands like mine ! " 

Whereas, by substituting the far inferior instrument, a 
harp or lyre, the lines, instead of being ridiculous, be- 
come highly dignified and natural. 

gtyjotwm <®ne i^tmtrretr antr gixtf). 

The fashionable prejudice against eating mustard to 
lamb and mutton is absurd. If a man is disposed to 
do so, any person who objects to the same is an ass. 

&pf)ort<mt <Dnz f^untrretr antr SrebmtTj. 
There are few things, in a small way, more difficult 



40 



to accomplish, than to snuff a candle with the left hand. 
P. S. Unless you are left-handed. 

Styjotfem #tte i^untrretr atttr SSigfjtfj. 

Never allow a candle to remain too long unsnuffed. 
By so doing, not only does the wick become cabbaged 
and unseemly, but the quantum of light given out is 
diminished, and the candle itself burned down much 
sooner than it would be if regularly trimmed. If you 
study economy in your candles, let them be frequently 
topped. At the same time, don't snuff them too low, 
for that is equally bad with not snuffing them often 
enough. 

&pf)orfem #ne p^utttrretr atttr jftttttfj. 

Short dumpy women are fond of sporting wide 
shouldered and broad bottomed gowns, to say nothing 
of inordinate bustles. Dumpies should always wear 
long petticoats, unless, indeed, they chance to have — 
which is not uncommon — a small foot and finely turned 
ancle. 

&pfjorfem #tte ?§tmtrretr atttr CetttJ. 

The most gullible nation in the world is the English. 
All kinds of imposture flourish in this country; and 
no quackery or humbug is too gross for the appetite of 
John Bull. Empirics in medicine have here a rich 



41 



harvest, and drug the natives to some purpose. Impu- 
dence and pretension take us by storm, while modest 
and real talent are passed by unnoticed. The multi- 
plicity of quack medicines, and the readiness with 
which they are bought and swallowed, excite the as- 
tonishment and laughter of foreigners. 

gtyfjorumt #ne Hutttrretr antr ISIetotttf). 

In dressing, great care should be taken, not only to 
accommodate the dress to the complexion of the indi- 
vidual, but to adapt one part of it to another; for 
instance, to match the coat, trowsers, waistcoat, &c, 
so as to produce an agreeable harmony. Such a com- 
bination as brown coat, black waistcoat, and drab inex- 
pressibles, gives the genteelest man a vulgar appearance. 

&pijorism #ne i^utttrretr attir €\nt\ft% 

Tight pantaloons are an abomination. It is im- 
possible for any man, however handsomely made about 
the limbs, to look well in such a dress. If a man has 
a good pair of understandings, and wishes to show 
them off to advantage, let him sport tight knee breeches 
and silk stockings. 

&pf)omm #ne Huntrrtfr antr €f)ivUznff). 

More geese are reared in Caithness, considering its 
c 2 



42 



extent, than in any county of Great Britain. It is, 
par excellence, the shire of geese. 

gtyfjortsm #ne f^untrretr mttr ,jf ourteentf). 

Members of Dilletanti Societies are, in general, 
especial asses ; their eternal talk about the fine arts, 
drawing, colouring, harmony, composition, chiar-oscuro, 
foreshortening, design, and so forth, is enough to turn 
the stomach of a horse. The thing is the more in- 
sufferable, because they absolutely know nothing of 
the subject, and have about as much appreciation of 
works of genius, as a pig possesses for the inventions 
of Watt or Daedalus. 

&pfjotfem <®tte f^unforetr atttr jfifUttttf). 

While prigs of the above description are eternally 
chattering about such topics, men who are really 
eminent in the fine arts, never say a word on the 
subject. Goldsmith describes this matter well in his 
account of Sir Joshua Reynolds : — 

" To coxcombs averse, yet most civilly steering : 
When they judged without skill, he was still hard of hearing; 
When they talked of their Raphaels, Corregios, and stuff, 
He shifted his trumpet, and only took snuff." 

&pf)orfetn 0nt Pjunfrretr ants Stxteentfj. 
The proudest of animals is the turkey-cock, the 



43 



vainest the peacock; unless we except numerous in- 
stances furnished by the human species. 

&pfjorfem <2>ne i^utttrretr atttr Sebenteentf). 

It was a good remark of Swift's, that a man was too 
proud to be vain. Vanity and pride are the moral 
antipodes of each other: there is not the slightest 
affinity between them. A really proud man has such 
a high opinion of himself, as to be indifferent about 
what others think of him : a vain man has such mis- 
givings about himself, that he is constantly on the qui 
vive for approbation, and for ever doing what he con- 
ceives will procure it. 

&pf)orfem <&nz ^utttraSr antr <&i%%\nxi\% 

It is a terrible thing for a man to have the reputa- 
tation of being a good carver. The sooner he gets rid 
of such fame, the better for his own comfort, 

&pf)orfem <®nz ^utfisxtis ants j^ttteteentl). 

When a physician pronounces a complaint to be 
nervous, it is a sure proof that he knows nothing about 
it. The term nervous, as applied to diseases, is merely 
a cloak for ignorance. 

P. S. This word is often strangely applied to condi- 
tions entirely different. A nervous man is either one 



44 



of great weakness and irritability, or great strength. 
Nothing is more common than to hear of a nervous 
arm, i. e. an arm of a sinewy and powerful make. 



Epfjortsm <£ne p^utrtrretr antr Ctoenttetf). 

It is impossible to judge of the benevolence of a 
man's heart, by the sums he publicly gives for charitable 
purposes. In such cases, charity generally proceeds 
from mere ostentation, and not a farthing would be 
given, were it not made known from whence it came. 
On this account, when collecting money for any 
benevolent purpose, it is a capital plan to publish the 
names of the donors. The truly charitable man is he 
who does good in private. Such a man almost blushes 
when his deeds of benevolence become known. I have 
known men who were as hard as flint, and who, during 
their lifetime, never gave sixpence to the poor, yet 
leave in their wills hundreds or thousands to charitable 
purposes. This does not deserve the name of charity : 
it is nothing but idle ostentation, though, it must be 
allowed, a very useful species of it. 

&pf)orism <£ne p^utttrretr antr ffifoetrtgsjf irst 

The best way to irritate a scold, is never to answer 
her, but let her spin out her yarn till it is exhausted. 



45 



%L$f)ovimx #ne pjuntrretr antr Cfoentg-Secontr. 
Another good method is to agree with her in all she 
says, even when she abuses you. Scolds live upon 
contradiction, while acquiescence in their vituperation 
is sure to break their hearts. 

&P$omm ©tie p£tmtrretr antr Ctoentg^fjittr. 

Smollett ought never to be forgiven for making 
Roderick Random red-haired. A hero with carrotty 
locks is too much of a joke. 

&pf)orfem #ne f^untrtetr antr ©toentg^if ourtf). 

There is not a more insufferable animal than a phleg- 
matic man or woman. I would far rather associate 
with a person who had a good share of devilry in his 
or her composition, than with such a biped. A phleg- 
matic person is invariably dull, insipid, and selfish, and 
a most consummate bore. * 

&pt)orfem <®ne f^untrretr antr €totn\&jfiftf). 

A man who practises pistol-shooting, for the purpose 
of making himself formidable as a duellist, is uniformly 
an arrant coward. No person should answer the 
challenge of a miscreant of this description. The 
proper way to treat him, if he sends or provokes a 
challenge, is to kick him soundly, or tweak his sneezer. 



46 



One of the greatest bores I know of, is a person who 
speaks very slow, and takes a long time to express his 
ideas. The annoyance is the greater, because such 
people, in addition to their provoking tardiness of 
articulation, are almost uniformly great anecdote- 
mongers. The worst company a man can meet with, 
is a proser of this description. 

®$f)Qvim 0nt %fyuritivtft antr ftfcoentg=£ebetttfj. 

The difference between Whigs and Tories, is a very 
simple one. When the Whigs get into power, they 
are Tories : when the Tories are sent to the right 
about, they become Whigs. Should the Radicals get 
in, they will doubtless turn as staunch Tories as the 
others. 

^pfjorfem <©ne f^utrtiretr ants CtoentS'lStgfjtj). 

A hint to boarding-school people. When you wish 
your pupils to write to their parents, let them trust to 
their own brains for the materials of the letters. It is 
a common practice for the master or mistress to draw 
out copies for them, in which are sapiently set forth 
the happiness of the youngsters — how much they like 
their situation, and what marvellous progress they are 
making in their studies. Any system of education 



47 



which directly or indirectly inculcates what is not true, 
must be bad ; and that such epistles must often abound 
in untruths, who can for a moment doubt ? 

&p5o?fettt #ne ptutttrreir antr Ctoents^tntf). 

Women have less active, but more passive courage 
than men. Surgeons are well aware, that though it is 
much easier to make a man submit to an operation, 
yet, that generally speaking, he does not bear it with 
so much fortitude as a woman. Indeed, women endure 
all kind of misfortunes (except love ones) better than 
the other sex. 

gtyljorfem ©tie f^utrtrretr atttr ©jjtrtietf). 

English residents in Paris have an absurd habit of 
abusing the natives, and every thing connected with 
that capital. The folly of the thing is the greater, 
because the fact of their staying in the French metro- 
polis, proves that they are mightily pleased with it ; 
but, I suppose, John Bull imagines he shows his loyalty 
by growling at other nations. 

EpDortsm <&xit f^utrtrretr anft Cfjirtg^if tat. 

Dull, stupid people have an instinctive abhorrence 
of mimicry and wit. The cause is obvious ; they are 
afraid of being made the butts of these pleasant qualities. 



48 



Blockheads are exceedingly afraid of being quizzed, 
and cannot tolerate the slightest joke at their own 
expense. 

&p!)ortettt <&nz p^nntrretr antr Cfjtrtg^contr. 

I never knew an Englishman who would allow the 
Louvre to be superior to Somerset House, or a French- 
man who would acknowledge St. Paul's to be a nobler 
fabric than the church of St. Genevieve. This is ex- 
tremely philosophical, and indicates profound candour 
and patriotism. 

^pfjotism #ne ^utttrretr antr ®f)trts-&f)trtr. 

The richest piece of humour in the English language 
is the entertainment after the manner of the ancients, 
as related in Peregrine Pickle. Fielding, Swift, Scott, 
Rabelais or Cervantes, never produced any thing so 
exquisitely laughable and ludicrous. 

&ptj0ttsm #ne f%untrretr antr Cljtrtg^ff ourtfj. 

People have a strange habit of making their neigh- 
bours older, and themselves younger than they are. 

&p!)orfem <®ne f^tnrtrretr antr Cfnrtg^jf tftfj. 

Talking of age, the longer women live the younger 
they grow. I know ladies who, six years ago, rated at 



49 



thirty-five, and who now stand at twenty-nine. It is 
next to impossible for a woman to get over forty. 
This is the pons asinorum at which the sex almost 
invariably stick. The only person I ever met with, 
who confessed that she had passed this barrier, was an 
old lady of eighty ; but, then, her great grandson was 
a lad of eighteen. 

&pfjorfem <&rtz p^utttrtetr antr €f)trtg'g?txtf). 

The English country inns are notorious for bad 
breakfasts. Indeed, the English, as a nation, are not 
famous for their dejeuners. The strength of the national 
genius is concentrated upon their dinners, in which, it 
must be allowed, they exhibit great talent, whether in 
the cooking or masticatory department, For break- 
fasts, the Scotch beat the English all to nothing : there 
is no such thing as a bad breakfast to be procured, for 
love or money, in any inn throughout the whole Land 
of Cakes. Sam Johnson never made a wiser observa- 
tion, or spoke with greater gusto, than when he de- 
clared, that wherever he dined, he should like to break- 
fast in Scotland. This was genuine philosophy. 

&p!jorism <©tte J^untrretr antr &f)trtg-S?ebetttJJ. 

Noisy children are dreadful bores. There are some 
houses which cannot be visited without disgust, in 



50 



consequence of a set of ungovernable brats, who are 
permitted by their stupid parents, to romp and bawl 
about the room, to the infinite annoyance of visitors. 
For this there is no excuse whatever. By proper edu- 
cation, a child above a certain age, may be taught to 
remain perfectly quiet in the presence of strangers ; 
and unless they are of that age, it is absurd to introduce 
them at all. A man cannot possibly insult a visitor 
more, than by permitting him to be disturbed by his 
children. In consequence of such an annoyance, I have 
more than once been obliged to quit houses where 
so impertinent a system is permitted. People should 
remember, that however amusing to them the romping 
of their offspring may be, it is most annoying to others. 

&pf)ortsm <&ne ^tmforetr arils &1)trtg:=<$tg!)tfj. 

Men who sport tights, either have, or imagine they 
have, good limbs. This may be received as an incon- 
trovertible fact. 

&pfjortsm <©ne i§untrretr antr €f)trtg=jftintt). 

For the same reason, ladies with good ancles (real 
or supposed) are fond of wearing short petticoats. If 
you see a woman whose petticoats are invariably long — 
fashion or no fashion — you may depend upon it that 
her ancles are thick. 



51 



apSorfem #ne £§unto& anfr jf ortfetj). 
Brandy or gin for a dram, rum for gxog or punch, 
and whisky for hot toddy. Such are the forms in 
which these illustrious liquors appear to most advantage. 

^pfjortsm (Bnt Hutttrretr atntr Jf orlg-jf trst. 

Persons whose countenances are lighted up by a 
habitual smile, are, generally speaking, bad tempered 
and hypocritical. 

ftpjorfam <©ne f^unfrretr antr ,jf ortg^ecotttr. 

A bad custom at present prevails, of introducing 
toasted cheese before the dessert. This system should 
be exploded. I often wonder what wiseacre has the 
merit of introducing these absurd fashions. 

&pl)orfem <©ne f^utrtwtr antr jfortg^Mjtttr. 

Should an officer on board ship give a man a glass 
of grog, the latter will, if he possibly can, get drunk: 
he makes a point of it. Being brought to trial for the 
same, he invariably calculates upon getting off, by 
pleading that he got tipsy upon his superior's generosity. 

&p!)orfem <©tte i^utitrtetr snfr if ortg-;jf ourtl). 

If your umbrella is wet, do not unfurl it for the 
purpose of drying it more rapidly. If you do, the 



52 



whalebones acquire a particular set, which it is almost 
impossible to obviate : they become permanently bent, 
in consequence of the contraction of the cloth while 
drying, and give the umbrella, when furled, a bulging 
and unseemly appearance. 

&pf)ortsm <©ne Prutttrretr antr ;jf orts^fFtftl). 

The best wigs are those made in Great Britain: 
they beat the French and German ones all to sticks. 
This is worth remarking, as the former, with their usual 
vanity, claim pre-eminence over us in the manufacture 
of perukes. 

&pf)orfem 0nt f^untrretr antr jfovt&&ixti). 

You may form a pretty shrewd guess of a man's 
character, by the dogs he keeps. An admirer of 
spaniels is generally a fawning creature ; of bull dogs, 
a blunt honest fellow, rather too fond of quarrelling 
and fighting ; of poodles, a ninny ; and so on. 



&pfjorism (Bnt p^utrtrretr avto Jf ott^Sebetttf). 

Talking of dogs, it is truly disgusting to see the 
scandalous manner in which some ladies pamper those 
nasty good-for-nothing little wretches, called lap-dogs. 
I never see one of these quadrupeds chafing itself on 



53 



the rug, without feeling strongly inclined to Burke it 
on the spot, 

Styjorfem <®nt i^utttrretr awtr jfotte-iBtgJtft. 
Education improves some poets, and spoils others. 
Campbell could never have produced such exquisite 
works as he has done, had he not been thoroughly 
educated — nor could Byron. Scott, without education, 
could have done in the poetical department, all that he 
has accomplished. Burns had just enough of educa- 
tion—more would have spoiled him ; the same remark 
applies to Hogg, whose poems, had he possessed the 
training of Pope or Dryden, would have been veiy 
different, and very inferior works to what they are at 
present. The prose of the Shepherd, however, would 
have been all the better of a little schooling. 

&pf)ortsm ©tie f^utttrtetr atttr ^ nrtg^Ntntfj. 

A well-made woman is always a little in-kneed. In 
proof of this, it is only necessary to refer to the Venus 
di Medici. 

&pf)crfem <®nt f^untrretr antr jf tfttetj). 

If your castor is drenched, brush it well with a soft 
brush, and hang it up. When dry, it will be found 
little the worse of the ducking ; whereas, if you allow 



54 



it to dry without previously brushing it, the down 
becomes ruffled to a degree which it is difficult to 
overcome, and the hat is thus materially injured. 

&pf)0rism #ne ^untrretr amft if tftg-jf trst. 

The best tailors in Europe are Germans. The 
mighty Stultze, who, it is said, commands an army of 
340 snips, is a native of Allemania. 

^pfjorfem <®nz $§uvfoxz& antr ;jf tftg^econtr. 

A tailor who can make gaiters well, is up to any 
thing in his profession. To fabricate these trivial 
articles perfectly, is the highest triumph of skill. 
Inexpressibles are mere child's play to them — waist- 
coats are not worth naming in the same breath ; and 
even a coat is a matter of moonshine. The best pair 
of gaiters I ever had, were made by a regimental tailor, 
who, by the bye, was a notorious drunkard. 

Some blockheads affect to hold cheap the talents of 
the Duke of Wellington, because he is merely (as they 
allege,) a great general. Even allowing him to be 
nothing more, the fact of his being so, indicates a 
mind of a very high order. To constitute a truly great 
commander, requires an extraordinary union of many 



55 



of the highest qualities ; and if the person possessing 
these is not gifted with first-rate talents, I should like 
to know who is. I have met with some poor creatures 
who were utterly incapable of reasoning consecutively 
upon the commonest subject, and who yet conceived, 
that with a little military experience, they would be 
quite able to rival the achievements of the illustrious 
Duke. 

&p!jortsnt <Dnz fkuntrretr antr dfiftv-jfauxtf). 

Corns are less frequent at the present day, than in 
the last age. This arises partly from the abolition of 
high-heeled shoes, and partly from wearing shoes broad 
at the toes. About twenty years ago, a most absurd 
custom prevailed, of wearing sharp-pointed shoes, by 
which the extremities of the feet were necessarily 
compressed, and corns almost as necessarily brought on. 

&pf)ott<mt <0ne ^untrretr atttr $ it\&tf tftft 

The greatest safeguard of religion, consists in the 
morality of the priesthood. So long as their lives are 
pure, so long do men respect the doctrines they inculcate. 

&pDori<mt <Dne ifctmtrrrtr antr jf tfts^trtfj. 

An absurd opinion prevails among many people, 
that men of genius and learning 1 are, ex necessitate. 



56 



weak in body. Let us pick out a few at random, and 
see how the case stands. The Admirable Crichton 
stood six feet six, and was one of the strongest fellows 
in Europe. Burns had the strength of two ordinary 
men, and would have proved an ugly customer to come 
to close quarters with. Cunningham and Gait are as 
big and as strong as Anak. Smollett was an athletic 
wiry chap, who, we have reason to believe, could use 
his daddies with as much dexterity as his pen. As for 
Wilson, nothing but the unfortunate circumstance of 
his being a man of first-rate genius, prevented him 
from sporting the champions belt, and rivalling the 
fame of the Game Chicken. Hogg is a strong well- 
built carle, whom we will back for a fall against any 
man of his age and inches in the kingdom. The late 
formidable Andrew Thomson, the Scottish parson, was 
a powerful man, as well as a sturdy pillar of the church. 
Johnson was as strong as Hercules ; Bruce of Kinnaird 
a second Antaeus ; and Belzoni the traveller, a revivi- 
fication of Sampson himself. 

&fl!)orism <©ne Huntrretr ants tfif\&g:ztexi\% 

Much thinking attenuates the frame, and a hasty 
temper has the same effect. Those who think little, 
and take things easy, are most apt to get corpulent. 
" Fat paunches," says Shakspeare, " make lean pates." 



57 



apjjorism <©ne f^untrretr antr jf tftg'<£tgf)tf). 
The Scotch greatly surpass the English as garden- 
ers : ditto as farmers. 

Styjorfem <©ne l^untrretr antr jf tft^Ntntfj. 

Talk of corn to a Scotchman, and he conceives you 
to mean oats. 

Styfjorfem ©ne l^untrrstr antr g>ixttetfj. 

In travelling, especially on the continent, take a 
carpet bag with you, instead of a portmanteau. The 
latter subjects you to a great deal of trouble, and some 
expense, the former to little of either. This is a hint 
worth attending to. 

&j>5orfem ©ns p^untrretr antr $txtfi*dFit8t 
The most magnificent of puppies was Alcibiades. 

atptjortsm #ne ^tmtrtetr antr £iitg=£>scotttr. 

Stupid people are very unreasonable. They are 
surprised at men of genius differing from themselves 
in their modes of thinking ; and affect great amazement 
and indignation at that peculiarity of manner and 
occasional eccentricity which are apt to characterize 
great and original intellects. What would the block- 
heads have ? Do they imagine that genius is always 

D 



58 



to manifest itself after the humdrum, gin-horse fashion 
of their own dull minds. The expectation is absurd. 
They can neither think, feel, nor act after the fashion 
of talented people, and it is too much to suppose that 
the latter can do so after theirs. 

There cannot be a surer mark of great self-conceit 
and importance than egotism. Those who, in writing 
or speaking, make a frequent use of the personal pro- 
noun " I," have invariably an immense opinion of them- 
selves, and are passionately fond of adulation. 

&pf)orfew <®tte f^unirretr atrtr J&ixtfcif ourtfj. 

An absurd name is a great misfortune. No human 
being could respect people bearing such appellatives, 
as Timothy Sheepshanks, Jeremy Snooks, or Obadiah 
Spiderlimb ; nor is it possible to conceive the idea of 
a man falling in love with Miss Grizzel Ramsbottom, 
or Miss Sabrina Budge, however amiable, beautiful, or 
accomplished these ladies might be. Parents should, 
as far as they are able, avoid entailing such a curse 
upon their offspring. This, as regards Christian names, 
is in their power. And yet how often do we meet 
with Tabithas, Dorothys, Deborahs, Jonathans, Gama- 
liels, Zephaniahs, and others equally ludicrous. 



59 



&p5oristtt <&nz p^utrtrretr antr g>ixt$*dfiftf). 
For an opposite reason, people may congratulate 
themselves, when they do not bear the names of 
illustrious characters. • It is dangerous for any man to 
be called William Shakspeare, Isaac Newton, or Walter 
Scott. " Comparisons are odious." 

&P$orfem <©tte f^untrretr atrtr S>ixts^S>txtB* 

Every benevolent heart must be gratified at meeting 
with an insolent and careless shopkeeper. It is a sure 
proof that the worthy man is in the fair way of making 
a fortune. The same remark applies to innkeepers. 

&pf)orfettt 0m pjuntrretr antr Stxtg^ebentj. 

The most purely intellectual of men — he who had 
least of the grossness of human nature — was un- 
doubtedly Plato. 

Slftorfem <&nt ^untrretr attir &ixtfc<&igfit% 

The best ice creams, are those flavoured with straw- 
berries. 

Styfjorumt <©ns gtittirrelr attir Stxts^ttttj. 

Naturalists have now agreed to post the lion and 
eagle as cowards. The bravest animals in existence 
are the bull-dog and game-cock. 



60 



ajjorfem <®ne f^untrretr antr gebenttetfj. 
Those who are indifferent about tea, pay: their devo- 
tions to something stronger. 

8$jorfem #ne ^tmtrretr atrtr £ebentg*jf (rat 

The most absurdly punctuated book in the English, 
or, perhaps, in any other language, is Chalmers 
Caledonia, — a work, nevertheless, of vast learning, 
acuteness, and research. 

&pf)orfem #ne f^utrtrrrtr atrtr Sebentg^ecotttr. 

A great deal of what is called wit, comes under the 
head of impertinence. Of this description are most of 
the witticisms attributed — I hope, falsely — to Erskine, 
Curran, John Clerk, and other noted barristers. 

&pl)orfem (But ^utrtrreir atttr ^ebentfi-CStrtr. 

Great linguists are, for the most part, great block- 
heads. I say nothing of Sir William Jones, the Ad- 
mirable Crichton, and other exceptions to the rule ; 
but, generally speaking, what I state holds true. To 
master a variety of languages, requires only one talent, 
and that by no means a high one, viz. a good verbal 
memory, which is sometimes possessed in great perfec- 
tion, even by simpletons and idiots. It is difficult for 
men of very strong and original minds, to become good 



61 



linguists ; they are so much taken up with substanti- 
alities, that they think little about words. Res, non 
verba, quceso, is their motto. The knowledge of a 
number of languages does not communicate a single 
new idea; it only gives the power of expressing 
what you already know, in a variety of ways. 
" I would rather," as Spurzheim says, " acquire one 
new idea than twenty ways of expressing an old one." 
If men of great genius are occasionally formidable as 
linguists, they are so in spite of their genius, which 
rather stands in their way than assists them ; and they 
would have been still greater linguists, if they had 
possessed their powerful verbal memory accompanied 
with less original talent. 

gtyfjorfam ©tte f^untrretr ants Setentg- jf tmrtf). 

A man who is a notorious rake, is not the least 
likely to find favour in the eyes of many women. The 
novelists of the last century did great mischief by the 
flattering pictures they drew of rakism. What were 
Joseph Andrews, Roderick Random, Tom Jones, 
Peregrine Pickle, and many of the heroes of the novels, 
but notorious debauchees ? There can be little doubt, 
that from such sources arose the popular, but most 
false notion, of a reformed rake making the best 
husband. 



62 



flpjorfcm ©tte ^untrreir antr &tbtntfrjf iffy. 
An unaccountable mystery hangs over the stature of 
the Duke of Wellington. I never knew two persons 
who gave the same account of his Grace's height. I have 
heard him estimated at all heights, from five feet six, to 
five feet eleven. There are some things, seemingly 
very simple, which it is impossible to establish : this is 
one of them ; and future historians will, doubtless, go to 
loggerheads about the stature of the modern Caesar. 

&pf)ort$mt (But pjutttrretr att& &tbtntt>zg:ixt% 

Ossian's Poems are a mystery. I do not mean as 
regards their authenticity, for that point I consider 
settled, but as regards their merits. I never met a 
grown man who could form an opinion upon the subject. 
Like the Duke of Wellingtons stature, the point must, 
I suspect, remain for ever unascertained. 

Spjotfem <£ne f^tmtrretr antr Sebentg^ebentJ. 

If you have a young dog take care that he gains the 
first two or three battles that he fights. This is easily 
done by matching him with a weaker dog than himself. 
If he is licked in his first encounters, he loses confi- 
dence ever after, and the chances are that as a 
" fighting man " he becomes good for nothing. Dog 
fighting, however, is a brutal thing, at best. 



63 



Don t coiTect or scold your children before third 
parties. If they have any pride or feeling at all, the 
exposure breaks their hearts, and they become good 
for nothing. The same remark applies to domestics. 

&pDorfem <©tte f^untrretr antr Sebettt^Nuttij. 

An affected man is a very disgusting animal, espe- 
cially if his affectation be of the effeminate or senti- 
mental kind. This species of puppyism is more intol- 
erable than absolute boorishness, and the individual 
who practices it is uniformly a poor sickly-minded 
creature. 

^pfjorfem <®tte f^unUretr attir <£t0f)ttetf). 

Every person should endeavour to ascertain whether 
he has any particular hobby. Having found out what 
it is, let him be careful of indulging in it before others, 
as, in all probability, the subject will be voted a bore. 

&pf)orfem <©tte l^untrretr anXr HigfytfcjFixtt 

Men who are in-kneed, bandy, or otherwise ill made 
about the legs, should wear wide trowsers, which serve 
to conceal their defects. I give this advice, as many 
persons so circumstanced have an absurd custom of 
sporting tights. 



64 



&pf)orfew <&nt Hutttrretr atrtr Sigtjtg^beconlr. 
Some of the best leapers to be met with are weavers. 
They are loose, supple-jointed fellows, and often get 
over the ground amazingly. Ploughmen as a body, 
are bad jumpers, while shepherds are capital at this 
exercise. 

&pf)0Tfem ©tte f^utrtrretr antr 3£ig$tg'ffi&trtr. 

First-rate far leapers are often indifferent at high 
leaping. Ex. Gr. Professor Wilson, who in the for- 
mer capacity stood almost unrivalled, having, in his 
youthful days, done twenty-three feet upon a dead 
level — a prodigious effort — was not particularly good at 
high leaping : and Mr. Ingleby, who, as a high leaper, 
approached to within three or four inches of Ireland 
himself, was indifferent at far leaping. Ireland, how- 
ever, was an exception to the general rule, being 
equally good at both. 

&pfjorfem <®tte i^untrttfr atrtr lEigtjtgsjf outtfj. 

First-rate leapers — by which is to be understood 
men who will do twenty-one feet and upwards — are 
invariably tall men, ranging from six feet to six feet 
three. Perhaps, there is not an instance on record of a 
middle sized man doing twenty-one feet and a half. 
A friend of mine, whose stature does not exceed five 



65 



feet eight, has accomplished seven yards on a level, 
but then he was allowed to be the best jumper, of any 
size, along the borders, and never was beaten. Twenty 
feet, for any stature, is a great performance ; for an 
ordinary-sized man it is immense, 

apflorfem <©ne f^untrretr antr ifctgfjtg^df tftf). 

The most prudent woman in other respects, is 
frequently a fool as regards matrimony. How often do 
we see the most beautiful and accomplished of the sex 
uniting themselves to stupid, ill-favoured, and illiterate 
blockheads ? Rather than not be married at all, it is 
impossible to say who some women will not take. 

&p5ortsm #ne J^untrretr antr i£tgf)t^g>txtf}. 

The worst carvers are medical men. We should 
expect the contrary. 

&pf)orfem <©ne f^ttntrtetr antr CECgJjtg^ebentf). 

Persons who are very finical and dainty, have 
invariably gross imaginations. This is a remark of 
Dean Swift's, who was himself one of. the cleanliest 
men that ever existed. 

apjottom <®ne f^untrretr anfc IStgljtg'lStgtJtf). 

" Love me, love my dog." I'll be hanged if I do. 
D 2 



66 



&pf)ort<mt <&nt p^utrtrretr atitr <£tgf)tg=#mtf). 
Some tastes are natural, others acquired. Sweets 
belong to the former, bitters to the latter. A person 
may, by habit, gain a very strong relish for what he dis- 
liked at first. Children, or young people, prefer the 
sweet home-made to foreign wines. The fondness for 
coffee, chocolate, parsnips, celery, and artichokes, is, 
in a great majority of cases, acquired. 

ftjtfjotfem <®nz f^tmtrretr antr $binztitt% 

The most disgusting species of pride is that which 
" apes humility. " 

gtyfjortsm #ne f%untratr atrtr fiitwt&jFlvtt 

To constitute a good conjurer, immense assurance 
and a certain degree of the mimetic faculty are essen- 
tial. Mimicry is the art of deceiving, or of making 
that appear which is not. Now this is precisely the 
secret of necromancy, and I believe no person can 
possibly be good at that art unless he has good imita- 
tive {alias deceptive) powers. Of course, a large stock 
of brass and manipulative dexterity are also indispen- 
sable. 

&$>f)ortsm (But pjutrtrrefc antr jMnetg'SecoTuX 
The love for children is a primitive faculty of the 



67 



mind, and distinct from general benevolence. A per- 
son may possess the first without having much of the 
second, and may thus have far more affection for 
young people than for adults. Children have an 
intuitive perception of such people, and flock to them 
as especial favourites. 

The greatest musical composers in the world are the 
Germans ; the best singers, and performers on musical 
instruments, the Italians. 

&p5orfem (But ^untrretr mttr Htnetg^ ourtf). 

Dignity is extremely ridiculous when assumed by a 
little man. None are entitled to sport it but such as 
are at least six feet high, and weigh fifteen stones, or 
upwards. 

If a clergyman is appointed to a country parish in 
Scotland, and wishes to become unpopular with the 
congregation, the best way to accomplish his purpose 
is to read his sermons. 

&pf)ortem <©ne Htmtrreir antr gHmtfrSbixtft. 
The impudence of some people is beyond belief. If 



they wish information upon any subject, they do not 
scruple to ask it by means of post letters, which they 
never think of paying. The remedy is easy. Return 
their letters under an envelope. You have thus the 
satisfaction of putting them to the expense of a double 
postage. 

P. S. Talking of letters, I may take notice of a 
piece of impertinence frequently practised. If a man's 
wife is confined, or if he loses a child, he must 
needs inform — not his relations merely — but all his 
acquaintances of the same by means of post letters, 
unpaid, as above. The impertinence of such a step 
speaks volumes. 



&p8orfem ©tie ?|untrte& atttr &Mtuzg>z\mxt$. 

Of all dandies the most disgusting is an ugly one. 
Puppyism, to be endurable, requires, at least, good 
looks ; although it must be remarked, that the gener- 
ality of the breed are remarkable for the contrary. 

^?5ortem ©ne ?§utrtrretr anir Ntnetg^StgtjtJ). 

Persons who interlard their conversation with 
French, Italian, or Spanish phrases, are vain, shallow, 
conceited creatures. The same remark does not 
exactly apply to Greek or Latin. I have known some 



69 



strong minded and really learned men employ these 
languages in familiar intercourse, although even in their 
case I have always heen forced to come to the conclu- 
sion that they were pedants. 

apfjorfem #ne f^untrretr antr jfttttetg^jlttttf). 

I never met with any person who could tell me the 

difference between a pie and a tart. When they say 

that a pie is made of meat and a tart of fruit, I always 

stagger them with an apple-pie. Driven to their shifts, 

they are obliged to say that an apple-pie is not a pie 

at all, but a tart. This subterfuge I knock on the 

head by repeating the nursery rhymes : 

" A is an apple-pie, 
B baked it, 
C cut it, 
D divided it;" 

And so on. If they resist this, I bring Jack Horner 
into the field : 

" Little Jack Homer 
Sat in a corner, 

Eating his Christmas-pie ; 
He put in his thumb 
And pulled out a plumb, 

Then said, ' What a good boy am I !'" 

This evidence is irresistible, and compels them to admit, 
in spite of their conviction to the contrary, that a pie 
and a tart are identical. 



70 



Good singers are often alarmingly ugly, and have 
generally large mouths. I never knew a small-mouthed 
man or woman whose singing was worth the toss of a 
farthing. 

Always suspect a man's honesty who is constantly 
talking about his strict honour, hatred of meanness and 
knavery. In like manner, the virtue of a great prude 
may be safely called in question : ditto the religion of 
those who are for ever harping upon this subject. 

&*)f)orfem Ctoo ^utrtrretr mttr g>econtr. 

When an unmarried lady becomes all of a sudden 
extremely devout, and runs after popular preachers, we 
may infer, without any great stretch of uncharitableness, 
that she has given up all hopes of matrimony. 

&pf)ori8m Ctoo l^tmtrretr mrtr Cfurtr. 

Short dumpy women wear their heads dressed very 
high, and are partial to lofty combs. 

&pDorfem Ctoo J^untrretr antr jFourtl). 

If you hear a man pretending to be very stupid, 
depend upon it he thinks himself a very clever fellow. 



71 



®$f>Qvi$m Cfoo Hutitrretr ants jfifti). 
Great travellers are often great liars ; and the enor- 
mity of their lies depends very much upon the distance 
of the country in which they have travelled. The 
bouncers of a man who has not gone farther than 
France or Switzerland are small affairs not worth 
minding. Those of one who has proceeded the length 
of Spain or Russia are rather better. They become 
better still if he has visited the Levant ; and rise into 
considerable respectability when his peregrinations have 
extended to Egypt, or Turkey in Asia. South American 
travellers are entitled to great merit on account of the 
colossal character of their lies ; they are really admir- 
able, and do their authors the highest credit. A 
number of capital ones might be told about that land 
of mystery, Paraguay, and its mysterious ruler Dr. 
Francia. After all, however, there are no liars like the 
East Indian. Hindostan is, par excellence, the region 
of the long bow — the land of fiction. It is not, there- 
fore, to be expected that travellers in other countries 
can compete with those who have visited India : the 
expectation is quite unreasonable. 

&$)ortsm Ctoo f^utrtrretr atttr Stxtfj. 

Persons of strong talent have almost invariably large 
nostrils. Merely clever or smart people may have 



72 



them small, but very seldom, indeed, those of powerful 
and very masculine minds. 

&p5orfem &too f^untrretr atttr ^zbtrttfj. 

If you ever are absurd enough to quarrel or get into 
an argument with any person, let it never be upon 
politics or religion. 

&pfjorfem Cfoo f^utttrretr atttr SStgfjtlj. 

The surest mark of a superior, or generally informed 
man, is when you cannot discover by conversation the 
calling or profession to which he belongs. A man who 
has had good opportunities of being well educated, and 
who, nevertheless, is always betraying his profession by 
his talk, has never an intellect of a high order. A real 
gentleman never speaks of his profession, unless the 
subject is introduced by others. 

&pfjorfem ©too p^utttrretr antr J^intf). 
Law and poetry are incompatible. A man cannot 
at once be a good lawyer and good poet. The rule, 
however, does not extend to the other learned profes- 
sions. Some of our great divines and physicians have 
been excellent poets. Mason Good, one of the 
greatest physicians in the world, was a man of fine 
imagination, and excelled in poetry ; and every body 



73 



knows of Garth, Arbuthnot, Armstrong, and various 
others. Among divines, need we mention the distin- 
guished names of Crabbe, Young, Heber, and Bowles. 

atyfjorfem Cfoo ^utrtrrrtr actttr Cetttfj. 

It is death to hint even to the ugliest woman that she 
is not good-looking. 

gpfjotfem Ctoo J^untrretr atrtr «£IebentS. 

Persons with small, fine compressed lips, have gene- 
rally much sensitiveness of character, accompanied with 
great irritability, and a tendency to be finical and par- 
ticular. 

&pf)orfem Ctoo f^untrretr antr Cfoetftf). 

When you hear people constantly talking about 
politeness, vulgarity, gentility, and so forth, depend 
upon it they belong to the profanum vulgus. A real 
lady or gentleman seldom or never talks about these 
things. It is only to the would-be-genteel that the 
terms are familiar. For the same reason a really brave 
man never talks of his courage : this he leaves to the 
coward or him who has none of it. 

&pf)otfem Ctoo f^utrtrretr antr CJirteentJ. 
It is a good plan to accept invitations from rich vul- 



74 



gar people. Though their society may not possess the 
quintessence of elegance and refinement, you are cer- 
tain to get an excellent dinner, which is always the 
great look-out among all men of sense and good taste. 

&pf)orfem Ctoo f^unirretr amtr jfouvtzznty. 

Don't, however, accept of an invitation from any 
vulgar person who deems himself extremely genteel. 
If you do, you are sure to be starved, for these would- 
be-genteel folks consider it fashionable not to overload 
the table. 

&pfjorfem Utoo pjtttt&retr atrtr $iiinxit% 
Never decline an invitation from an old East Indian. 

&pJ)orfem Cfcoo P£ttntrre& atttr J&txteentl). 

If a medical man wishes to get the reputation of 
being very clever let him become a drunkard. I never 
heard of a dissipated physician or surgeon who was not 
reputed a man of talent. 

&PtJou$mt Ctoo p^uttirretr atttr Seventeenth 

The most poetical of blacking-makers, and most 
transparent of poets, is Robert Warren, 30, Strand. A 
vast deal of talent has been expended — we do not say 
thrown away — in celebrating his blacking, which is cer- 



75 



tainly inimitable. In the poetical department Day & 
Martin are inferior to Warren, but as prose writers 
they are not to be surpassed. In their advertisements 
there is a sublimity which is quite enchanting. The 
commencement of them is splendid : — " To prevent 
fraud." They do not want to sell their blacking — 
not they ; they merely wish to check the course of dis- 
honour and dishonesty. They do not wish to vend 
their wares — no ; their particular desire is solely to 
prevent fraud. By the way, who is Martin ? Is there 
such a person in rerum naturd ? I doubt it. The 
question, in my mind, is quite as interesting as the 
controversy respecting Junius. 

&$fjoximx Cfcoo l^untotr atttr iStgfjteetttl). 

Have nothing to do with those good-natured friends 
who make a practice of letting you know all the evil 
which they may hear spoken about you. These people 
take especial care to let you have nothing of the good, 
if there is any going. 

&pfjorfem Ctoo f^uttirretr atttr lUneteentf). 

Girls have a naughty custom of caressing and kissing 
children in the presence of young men. I say naughty. 
not for the thing itself, but for the reason winch makes 
the cunning young creatures do it. 



76 



Ladies' men are asses. The ladies themselves 
despise them, although they find the creatures veiy 
useful for holding their fans, making negus, handing 
round the sweetmeats, drawing corks, and other little 
services of this kind. 

&pT)orfetn Cfoo f^untrretr axils Ctoentg^jf trst 

There is no such thing as disinterested benevolence. 
Actions from which a person derives no tangible bene- 
fit are so denominated ; but the grateful feelings which 
arise in the heart are a sufficient recompense to noble 
minds, and constitute their reward for the performance 
of such deeds. When a selfish man acts benevolently, 
it is with ulterior views to his advantage ; the springs 
which move the generous man are the kindly emotions 
of his nature, and he has his reward in the approbation 
of a good conscience. 

£p|jorfem Ctoo f^utttrretr ants Cfoetttg^ecottir. 

The honester a man, the easier cheated. Nothing is 
so difficult as to impose upon an impostor. 

&pf)otfettt Ctoo Ifyuritsvzts ants Ctoentg-CStrtr. 

The [greatest ale-drinkers in the world, are the coal 
heavers on the Thames. 



77 



aphorism £too p^untrretr antr fttoent^if ourtf). 
Women are more taken by the figure than men, who 
generally look more to the face than to the person of 
their sweethearts. 

aphorism &too f^untrretr antr Ctoentg^ tftf). 

If you wish to oblige a blockhead, allow him to quiz 
you. Sumphs are flattered by the idea of having 
trotted men cleverer than themselves. 

&pfjorism &too Huntrtetr an& Cfoentg^btxtfi. 

The structure of the hair is curious. Each hair is a 
tube, and derives its colour from a fluid contained 
within it. When the hair becomes gray, it is in conse- 
quence of the want of this fluid. 

ftpjorfem Ctoo p^untrretr antr Cfoent^ebentf). 

Persons who travel most in foreign countries are those 
who know least of the beauties of then* own. While 
Cori-usk, Glencoe, Killarney, Loch-Lomond, and the 
Lakes of Westmorland and Cumberland are to be seen 
at home, there is little need to traverse Switzerland and 
Italy in search of the grand or beautiful. 

&pfjottsm Ctoo f^untrretr antr Cfoent^l5tgf)tfj. 
The greatest sign of civilization is a people's cookery. 



78 



Huge rounds of beef, roasted or boiled, haunches of 
venison, colossal plum-puddings, &c. &c, are all marks 
of barbarism. As nations get civilized, these gigantic 
features of gastronomy disappear, and we have in their 
place elegant fricasees, graceful cutlets, inimitable 
pates, and so forth. Such is the custom in France, 
which is certainly the most polished country in Europe, 
and in China, which, in a physical sense, is highly 
civilized. 

&p$<m$m Ctoo f^untrtetr atrtr Ctoetttg^tntJ). 

Red cats are the best mousers. Somehow this 
variety of the tabby tribe is becoming very rare. 
Twenty or thirty years ago they were sufficiently com- 
mon, but are now seldom seen, at least in towns. 

&pf)omm Ctoo ^untrretr antr Ctjirttetf). 

Simplicity is one striking characteristic of genius. 
It is difficult to conceive a man of great talent a 
coxcomb. 

* &pf)orfem Ctoo p^utttrretr antr Htfjivt&jfinl 

One of the worst used men was Bruce of Kinnaird. 
His admirable travels were looked upon as a tissue of 
falsehoods, and himself as a second edition of that " liar 
of the first magnitude," Baron Tott. Clarke and other 



79 



recent travellers have confirmed all his statements, and 
proved the stupid injustice of his ignorant calumniators. 
Truth, though long obscured, is certain, at one time or 
other, to shine forth and vindicate its own majesty. 

&pDotfem Cfcoo Huttirretr antr €f)trtT>Secon&. 

Do not infer that because a man is fat he is a great 
eater. This he may or may not be as the case turns 
out. The most eggregious gluttons I ever met with 
are poor, puny, emaciated, sickly-looking creatures, 
whom you would suppose every breath of wind would 
blow through, and who seemed more like candidates 
for the other world, than for the good things of this 
life. My illustrious friend, Dando, was, it is true, an 
exception. 

&p!)omm Ctoo i^uttirretr antr Cfjirtg^fitrtr. 

The inhabitants of the Scotch and English borders 
present a curious contrast. Somehow, they have never 
amalgamated, and are more different in their habits, 
looks, language, and mode of living, than it is possible 
to imagine. On the northern side, even to the very 
boundary line, we have the broadest Scotch dialect ; on 
entering the first farm house in Northumberland, we 
meet with the burr. Visit a farmer on the Scottish 
side, and he sets before you whiskey and oat cakes, do 



80 



the same on the English side, and you are presented 
with home-brewed ale, and home-baked wheaten bread ; 
and these distinctions are as marked on the border, as 
in the most remote parts of the two kingdoms. 

I never knew a good poet who was not a good prose 
writer. Of course, I suppose him to be properly 
educated. The best prose writers which the present 
century has seen, are distinguished bards. Ex. Gr. 
Scott, Byron, Southey, Wilson, Hogg, Hunt, Moir, 
Milman, Croly, and fifty others. 

&p!)otfetn CIjdo i^utttrreir antr Q$irt2«df iffy. 

There are some who, when they talk of genius, mean 
imagination. This is absurd. Genius and imagination, 
though frequently, are not necessarily united. New- 
ton, Laplace, Euler, Watt, Locke, Hobbes, Hume, 
were all geniuses, and great ones too, but probably few 
men had less imagination, in the common acceptation 
of the term. Imagination, as it is usually understood, 
has reference to the sublime and beautiful, and is 
applicable to poetry, painting, sculpture, and works of 
taste and fancy in general. The sciences, whose 
whole object is utility, and which bear upon the inven- 
tive faculties of the mind, have little reference to the 



81 

imagination; which, indeed, is rather hostile, than 
favourable, to the cultivation of science, although some 
distinguished scientific men, such as Bacon and Brown, 
have been gifted with it in no ordinary degree. 

apljorfem Ctoo ^utrtrtetr antr ftfjirtg^ixtt). 
Don t eat hot rolls if your stomach is weak. In such 
a case, there is nothing like cold toast. 

apfiorfem Ctoo f^utrtrrrtr antr &jjtrt^g>etantfj. 
The best tooth-powder in the world is Armenian 
bole, a pennyworth of which will serve a person for six 
months. 

apSortum Ctoo pjuiitrtetr antr &fjtrt8~<Etg!)tf). 

Some people imagine that when they have not read 
any thing for a day, it is, so far as improving the mind 
is concerned, a day lost. This is not quite correct. A 
man, if he has any mind at all, is always unconsciously 
laying in a stock of ideas. A walk into the country, 
or half-an-hour s chat with a friend, may suggest various 
trains of thought, which lie in the sanctuary of the 
brain, and are capable of being turned to important uses 
afterwards. It is from such casual and unexpected 
sources that many of the best ideas have their rise. 

E 



82 

Styfjonsm Ctno i^untrretr axils &f)trtg~Kmtt:.. 
The greatest patriot in the world, when out of hi* 
own country, is a Scotchman. When Sawney goes to 
London, he is quite grandiloquent in praise of sheeps'- 
head broth, oaten cakes, and haggis, not one of which 
he will taste in Scotland if he can get any thing better. 

gtyfjorfem ©do ^utrtrretr antr jf otttetf). 

The greatest gossips in the world are ladies' waiting- 
maids and keepers. 

^pfiottsm &too &untrr& antr jFftxtfrJf (rat. 

There is no quality which people like so well to be 
thought possessed of as imagination. 

aphorism &too f^untrretr antr tf ottg-Swontr. 

To like the Yankees, a man must be born and brought 
up among them. I have in my time met with many, 
who, discontented with their own country, crossed the 
Atlantic, expecting to find a new Jerusalem in the 
United States ; but I never found one — and huge stick- 
lers for liberty and equality some of them were — who 
could honestly say that he liked the countiy, or espe- 
cially the manners of brother Jonathan. The fact of 
the matter is, John Bull is not able to republicanise 
himself. His stomach sickens at democracy, when he 



83 

comes into immediate contact therewith. Let him 
growl and theorise as he may, he is a monarchist at 
heart, and so will be till the end of the chapter. 

aptjomm ©too ^untsvzts antr ^ ortg-ffitutir. 

A person who cannot relish occasional absurdity and 
wit, and must, moreover, have a satisfactory reason for 
whatever is said or done, is a philosophical blockhead. 

&pf)ortsm fttoo f^untrretr attir if ottg-if ourtf). 

The following fact is curious, and not easily ex- 
plained. With us, it is well known that sugar and other 
sweet substances injure the teeth, while the negroes, 
who, from their childhood, consume a vast quantity of 
sugar, have the finest teeth in the world. Let physio- 
logists account for this, if they are able. 

apfjorfem ftfoo ?§un&rrtr antr if ott^if tftf). 

Never compliment a woman upon her embonpoint. 
If she be really corpulent, the greatest compliment you 
can pay her, is to remark, in an indifferent sort of way, 
that she is not looking so stout as usual. 

atyfjotfem Ctoo f^utrtrretr antr dfort£«&ixt8. 

According to Chesterfield, men of fashion never 
employ proverbs or aphorisms. Indeed ! 



84 



&pf)ortsm Ctoo ^uttirretr antr jfottfc&tbmfy. 
One of the most deplorable consequences of the 
march of intellect, is the abolition of the birch in our 
academies. The old, and time- venerated, race of peda- 
gogues is now extinct ; flogging is abrogated, and 
horsing, in terrorem, numbered with the things that 
were. All this is extremely lamentable, and indicates 
the rapid decline of Great Britain in the scale of nations. 

&pf>orism Ctoo ?§untrrrtr attir jf ortgs<Etg1jtfj. 

The greater the knowledge which a man acquires, 
the less highly does he think of himself. Self-conceit, 
if not the direct product of ignorance, is greatly fostered 
by it. 

apfjorumt Ctoo f^untrretr atrtr jf ott8=#mtt). 

The most pugnacious race of tradesmen are bakers, 
and ugly customers they are, as any one will experience 
who fancies a taste of their quality. 

apjorfem Ctoo f^uttforetr antr jf tfttetf). 

If you hear any person talk of the British army or 
navy, or the King of Great Britain, depend upon it 
he is an Irishman or a Scotchman. The English, with 
a modesty highly laudable, always speak of the English 
army, &c. and the King of England, To be sure, Mr. 



85 



O'Connell is now the King of Ireland, and so far as 
that portion of the realm is concerned, there is no im- 
propriety ; but it occurs to me, although very possibly, 
I may be wrong, that William the Fourth still reigns 
over the Land of Cakes, and that a portion of the army 
and navy is composed of Scotchmen. These, how- 
ever, are points on which I would not like to speak 
with too great confidence. There is nothing like 
caution in a writer of aphorisms. 

&p1)oristtt fttoo pjutttrretr ants &ii\&& irst. 

When you meet with a man who affects to doubt 
every thing he hears, never hesitate to write him 
down an ass. A great doubter is a solemn and self- 
conceited prig. How amusing it is to see the block- 
head shake his empty pate, compress his lips into a 
sneer, and turn up his absurd unmeaning eyes, in 
affected disbelief, when he hears aught which he thinks 
it would imply sagacity to discredit ! Such persons 
imagine that to be a great doubter implies wisdom ; 
whereas, in their case, it has its origin in constitutional 
phlegm and stupidity. 

aphorism Ctoo f^untrretr ants jfift&&ttorils. 

I never yet had the good fortune to encounter an 
Irishman who was worth less than £2000 a-year. 



86 



Much good argument has been wasted upon the 
comparative happiness of the married and unmarried 
states. The case, I believe, resolves itself into this, 
that the former promises more happiness, the latter less 
misery. If people could think coolly upon the subject, 
and be less guided by feeling and passion, I believe 
that the condition of celibacy will be allowed to be, 
upon the whole, the preferable one. Happy as the 
matrimonial state may often be, we know that it is fre- 
quently attended with extreme misery, an infliction 
which single-blessedness can never occasion, but which 
it may often prevent. 

&pt)orfem Ctoo f^untrretr mts if tft^jf ourtfj. 

Many fine lads are spoiled by being brought up too 
much among women. The chances are, that a boy, 
unless he be allowed to associate early and freely with 
his own sex, will turn out a mere booby. 

&pfjorfem Ctoo f^utrtrretr atrtr jf tftg^if tftf). 

Some parents commit a great error in the education 
of their sons. They are constantly inculcating the 
doctrine of passive resistance, and recommending them 
to slip out of quarrels the best way they can, instead of 
conducting themselves in a manful and courageous 



87 



manner. This may do very well with pugnacious and 
hot-blooded lads, whose fiery propensities require a 
check ; but with quiet timid creatures, what other effect 
can it have but to make them regular Jerry Sneaks ? 
The defective pluck of a lad of this kind should be 
supplied, as far as possible, by precepts inculcating 
courage and manliness. The parent who encourages 
his son to pocket affronts, instead of resenting them, 
is training him in an apprenticeship to cowardice, and 
degrading the very nature of the lad. 

&pf)orfem &too f^untrretr arils iftftg^txtfj. 

Don t indulge in any absurd paroxysm of distress if 
your son comes home from school with his cork drawn, or 
his ogles in mourning. These pugnacious little bantams 
are generally good fellows at heart, and will make bold, 
pushing, active mem No lad is the worse of a little 
pluck. I would not give a farthing for a boy who has 
not fought a good battle while at school. If he has 
never done so, it is a proof that he wants spirit ; for it 
is morally impossible he can pass through his scholastic 
curriculum without receiving some provocation, which 
no lad of courage can get over without showing fight. 
All the really good and clever fellows I know were 
regular millers, while at school. 



88 



I never, all my life, met with a bully who was not a 
coward. When I was a student, we used to have one 
in every class, and the shine was uniformly taken out of 
them by lads much less than themselves. 

&pT)orism &too f^untrretr ants if tft84Sig!jtf). 

By putting a piece of lump sugar, the size of a walnut, 
into the tea-pot, you will make the tea infuse in half the 
time it would otherwise take. This useful fact is well 
known to bagmen and stage-coach travellers. 

&pl)otfem Ctoo p^untrtrtr antr jf tftg-jftintfj. 

Should you meet with a young man who is exceed- 
ingly sensible, and neither talks nor can relish nonsense, 
you may rely upon it he has no genius of any kind. If, 
in addition to his great load of sense, he is a theatrical 
critic, and bores the company about acting, actors, and 
such stuff, you may safely pronounce him a blockhead. 

&pJjorumt Ctoo J^tmtrretr arrtr £txttetf>. 

If you are an author, never ask any one his opinion 
of your productions. The chances are, he is no judge, 
and even if he is, you can never calculate upon his 
telling you what he conceives to be the truth. To 
praise, in such, cases, is an almost invariable rule. For 



89 

the same reason, never believe what an editor says in 
commendation of a rejected article which he returns to 
you. The more highly he speaks of your production, 
the less does he think of it. 

&p5orfem &too J^untrretr ants Stit^Jf ivzt 

Decision of character is often confounded with talent. 
This is particularly the case with the fair sex. A bold, 
masculine, active woman always gets the name of clever, 
although her intellect may be of a humble order, and 
her knowledge contemptible. 

&P$ortsm Ctoo f^untrretr antr £ixtg=g>econtr. 

Lobsters are justly reckoned more delicate than 
crabs. 

apjorfam fttoo i^tmtrrrtr atttr J&ixtgsCijirir. 

Little fellows generally wear high-crowned hats, tall 
men the reverse: the thing, as regards the former, 
speaks for itself. 

&pf)orism Ctoo f^untrretr antr S&txts*Jf outt!). 

When men complain of the frivolous talk of the fair 

sex, thty should recollect that they themselves are the 

main causes of it. They treat women like children ; 

and instead of conversing with them upon rational 

E 2 



90 



subjects, they address them upon nothing but trifles, 
and thus fill their minds with worthless and unmeaning 
foolery. There is no necessity for making blue 
stockings of the sex, (which heaven forbid,) but they 
should be treated as rational beings, and not as fools. 
Men, now-a-days, seldom think of talking to women 
upon any other subjects than balls, assemblies, and the 
fashions. What can be expected from such tuition ? 

&pijorif>ttt &too p^utrtrretr anir g>ixtfcjfift% 

The people of Tweedside, though they cook salmon 
admirably, don't use sauce to the fish. This is a terrible 
oversight. 

&pf)orfem Ctoo f^utrtrretr atrtr ftixtfis&txU). 

A fact. Nine-tenths of the catsup sold in the shops 
is a vile compound of liver and the roan of fish, seasoned 
with vinegar, pepper, and other condiments. If you 
wish to have the article genuine, you must procure 
mushroms, and make it yourself. 

n$$ovi*m Ctoo &utfti*elr antr g>txts-£ebentf). 

Never judge of a man's honesty or talents by the 
certificates he produces. Such documents are just as 
likely — or rather much more so — to be false as true. 
The greatest knave can, at all times, obtain them in 



91 



proof of his integrity; and any illiterate blockhead may, 
by their means, make himself appear one of the most 
learned and accomplished men of the age. No degree 
of knavery or stupidity is the least bar in the way of 
obtaining the most splendid and unqualified testi- 
monials. 

partem Cfoa J^untrretr antr SMxtg^ijrljtf). 

Milton owes Satan an apology for bestowing one of 
his names on another fallen angel. The second of the 
Infernal Powers he denominates Beelzebub, which, by 
prescriptive right and wont, is one of the appellations 
of Lucifer himself. It thus appears that even the Devil 
may be shabbily used. 

&$f}nvi&m Ctoo f^untrretr atttr £ixtg=#uttf). 

One of the most profitless pieces of discussion is that 
which relates to the comparative merits of Shakspeare 
and Milton. Where there is such a total difference in 
the character of their genius, comparison becomes im- 
practicable : there is no point where a parallel can be 
instituted between them. As poets, they are equally 
wonderful and unapproachable ; but Shakspeare, dealing 
chiefly with human feelings and characters, will always 
be the favourite with the mass of readers. Milton is 
not, and never will be, a popular poet, in the general 



92 



sense of the term. His beauties and sublimities are 
quite beyond common understandings : he can only be 
appreciated by poetical minds — to all others he is a 
sealed book. 

&p!jorfem Ctoo ^tm&relr atrtr Sebenttetjj. 

It is perfectly possible to make champagne from 
gooseberries equal to that yielded by the grape. Ex. 
Gr. Lord Haddington, who is a first-rate judge 
of wines, had a bottle of mock, and one of real 
champagne set before him ; and was requested to say 
which was which. He mistook the product of the 
gooseberry for the genuine article ; and many persons, 
reputed good judges, have done the same thing. 

&pf)otu»m Ctoo f^untrretr antr Sbtbtntfrjfmt 

If a man pronounces you a liar, it is very absurd to 
call him out for the same. This ceremony does not 
prove that you are not a liar. It only shows that you 
possess sufficient courage to stand at the distance of 
twelve paces, while a pistol — probably a leadless one — 
is fired at you. 

&pf)orfem Ctoo $£untrretr antr g>ebenrg^econtr. 

I have a sincere admiration for the above method of 
fighting duels without bullets, now so generally adopted. 



93 



This sagacious system, if we may believe Lord Byron, 
was adopted by Messrs. Moore and Jeffrey, of whose 
encounter his Lordship makes honourable mention in 
his English Bards and Scotch Reviewers : 

" When Little's leadless pistol met his eye, 
And Bow- Street myrmidons stood laughing by." 

apjorfem ©do J^untrretr antr $ebent2H£f)ufr 
The feelings of an author may be gathered from his 
writings. The poet who seldom dwells on love, cannot 
be of a very amorous complexion. 

apfjortsm Ctoo ^untrretr atrtr J&ebent^jf outtf). 

The ridicule which some shallow-pated coxcombs 
attempt to cast upon old maids is insufferable, and 
should be put down. Sensible people, by standing out 
against it, would soon silence the barking of the pup- 
pies, and put an end to their offences on this particular 
point. Why are not old bachelors subjected to the 
same system of annoyance and neglect ? Their pecu- 
liarities are infinitely more marked and ludicrous than 
those of the sisterhood. 

aphorism &foo pjturtrretr antr Sebentg^jf tftf). 

The worst psalmody, and the best sermons, are to be 
heard in the Scotch churches. 



94 



aphorism Ctoo f^untrretr axtis gjebentg^txtf). 
The pious horror with which the people of Scotland 
regard the use of the organ in churches, is extremely 
ridiculous, and quite inconsistent with the good sense 
of the country. The only reason I ever heard given 
for the national veto upon this sublime instrument, is, 
that it is used in Catholic and Episcopal Churches. 
This is a rich specimen of the non sequitur, or rather 
of the argumentum ad absurdum. For the same 
reason, gowns and pulpits ought to be abolished. 

gtyfjovumt Ctoo p^uttirretr antr Sebentg^ebentf). 

If you perceive the slightest tendency in your hair to 
come out, get your head shaved at once, and wear a 
wig for a few months. Were this precaution more 
attended to, we should have fewer bald pates. 

&pJ)orism &too p^utrtrretr antr £ebetttg4Sigf)tf). 

I never knew a very tall man who did not wish to be 
taller. People from five feet ten to six feet are perfectly 
satisfied with their altitude, but when they get as high 
as six feet four or six, their ambition prompts them to 
wish for a few additional inches. I know a gentleman 
who stands six feet five on his stocking-soles : he prided 
himself upon being the tallest man in the place, and 
was distressed beyond measure when a person half-an- 



95 



inch taller made his appearance and dethroned him from 
his pre-eminence. In like manner, when a man is ex- 
cessively little, he wishes to be still less. Nothing 
would have annoyed Bebe the dwarf so much as the 
sight of a grown man shorter than himself — or O'Brien, 
as a giant who o'ertopped him by an inch. A person 
who is exceedingly ugly, or has an enormous nose or 
mouth, does not like to be surpassed in these particu- 
lars. Even a great liar, or rogue, likes to stand at the 
head of his profession. A very strong man is vain of 
his strength — a very weak man of his weakness. In 
short, whenever a person, in any one thing, is prodigi- 
ously and monstrously opposed to the natural standard, 
he wishes to outrage it still more. It is only those who 
keep within it, that are horrified at the idea of its 
violation. 

&pf)ortsm Ctoo g^utrtrretr antr Setetitg-NttttJ). 

Lord Byron hated dowdy women. The Court 
Journal, on the authority of a likeness in the Byron 
Gallery, pronounces his lady to be a dowdy. Could 
this have had any thing to do with their quarrel ? 

apljorfem Ctoo f^utrtrrrtr antr <Etgfjttetl). 

Byron had a curious idiosyncrasy with regard to the 
sex: he could not 'bear to see women eating. This 



96 



length I will not go, though I must confess that the 
vision of a pretty woman consuming platefuls of roast- 
beef with the appetite of a Dando, is not the most 
ravishing in the world. 

&p!)orfetrt &too f^untrretr antr <£tgf)tg^if tret 

If you wish to hear all the evil in people's characters, 
wait till they get married. If you are desirous to learn 
all — and more than all — their good qualities, have 
patience till they be dead. When the latter event 
takes place, the world can indulge in praise without 
exercising generosity, or doing any good to the objects 
of it. 

aphorism Ctoo f^untrrefc ants I&tgfjts^ecotrtr. 

The most cowardly species of impertinence is that 
which is frequently practised by barristers towards 
witnesses. It is a pity that the latter cannot always 
pay back these puppies in their own coin ; but a modest 
man or woman put into the box, has no chance with the 
practised effrontery brought to bear against him. 

&P&Qrtem Ctoo f^untrretr anir 3£tgf)tg~€!)irtr. 

Snuff-taking in a woman is abominable, unless she 
be very aged — say eighty, or upwards, when it is rather 
becoming than otherwise. 



97 

apfjortsm &too f^utitrretr atttr IEtgfjtg=jp ourttj. 
The best linguists in the world are the Russians. 

bottom Ctoo f^untrretr antr <&ioft\&tfii\% 

Old maids, and married ladies who are childless, 
have a most extraordinary penchant for dogs, and 
especially cats. 

P. S. A similar penchant for the latter is often pos- 
sessed by old bachelors. 

^pljotfem Ctoo f^untrretr antr SEtgfjtg^ixtfj. 

There is only one species of egotism which is not 
disgusting, and that is where a man or woman of genius 
speaks of the peculiar circumstances, or state of mental 
excitement, under which he composed his works. This 
is often delightful, because it unfolds a new and inter- 
esting leaf in the book of human intellect. It requires 
decided talent, however, to justify this, or render it 
worth listening to. The thing from one of our small* 
beer geniuses, or third-rate scribblers (and it is they 
who are most fond of indulging in it) is at once insuf- 
ferable and absurd. The feelings of a monkey on 
planning the robbery of a nut tree, would be about as 
interesting, or rather much more so, as they would 
excite laughter; whereas, in the other case, we have 
nothing but disgust. 



98 



aphorism CIdo f^untrretr anil GEtgtJtgsSebentf). 
Men of talent very generally fix upon ignorant and 
stupidish women for their wives ; while stupid men 
almost invariably alight upon clever women. 

&pf)oram fttoo ^utttrretr an& iS^tg^iStgJtt). 

Brutus was wrong when he conceived he was doing 
a service to his country in ridding it of Julius Csesar. 
Csesar was ambitious, and aimed at the supreme power, 
but cutting him off did not cure the evil. Instead of 
one tyrant, Rome soon had several, either of them 
infinitely worse men than the great Dictator, whose rule 
would have been just and illustrious, compared with 
theirs. It was the times which produced Caesar, and 
unless they could be changed, his destruction could 
lead to no good result. At this period, Rome was 
rotten to the core, her republican virtue irrecover- 
ably gone ; and the question was only whether she was to 
have a good or a bad tyrant, for a tyrant of some kind 
or other she must have. The patriotism of Brutus, 
therefore, only aggravated the evil it was meant to cure. 

&pt)otumt Ctoo f^untrretr antr iBtgJtg^NtntJ. 

If animals were to turn authors, the eagle would 
excel in epic, and the sheep in pastoral poetry. The 
elephant would produce an excellent treatise on philo- 



99 



sophy — the horse employ his genius on chivalry — the 
cow on agriculture — and the dog cut a figure in the 
drama. The writings of the monkey would abound in 
satire and burlesque ; while the cat would be distin- 
guished for the sarcasm, envy, and disingenuousness of 
his compositions. The style of the lion would be bold, 
abrupt, and Pindaric ; that of the tiger spirited, flexible, 
and vigorous ; while the gander would be remarkable 
for the extreme verbosity and diffuseness of his lan- 
guage. The badger would probably attempt a treatise 
on the Medicinal Effect of Perfumes, the turkey a 
disquisition on the Mock Heroic, The genius of the 
owl would exhibit itself in the composition of elegies, 
epitaphs, and solemn dirges; that of the bear in an 
essay on Waltzing. As for the hog, he would never 
excel in polite literature, but might favour the world 
with A Critical Analysis of the Philosophy of Bacon. 
The peacock would make an excellent contributor to 
the Lady's Magazine and Annuals. The lion, the 
elephant, and the tiger, would be apt to send their con- 
tributions to Blackwood or Fraser. The whale would 
write powerfully on the Depopulating consequences of 
the Greenland Fishery, and the pigeon on Letter 
Carrying. The goose would make a blue-stocking of 
the first class, and be famous for dealing in scandal. 
The magpie would be a notorious plagiarist — cabbaging 



100 

ideas at all hands. As for the parrot, he would not 
indulge much in written composition, but be fond of 
showing off as a public speaker. For delivering long- 
winded sermons, and composing political harangues, 
the ass would be unrivalled. 

&pfjorfem Ctoo pjutttrretr atttr JKnetietfj. 

If you wish to get into a man's good graces — you 
yourself being one — never praise his wife, especially 
her beauty. 

&pf)otusm &too f^utttrretr atttr &mt&jfmt. 

Tell-tales are most contemptible beings, especially 
when occurring in the shape of men. To retail in 
one house what is seen or spoken of in another, is a 
treason against society which cannot be too thoroughly 
despised. 

£p!)ort<mt Ctoo f^utttrretr atttr $tttetg=£*cotttr. 

Never trust any person with a secret who communi- 
cates one to you. If you do so, you may calculate 
upon yours being divulged to some other person. 

&pfjortsm Ctoo ^untrtetr atttr jUinetgs&tJtrtr. 

Should you find it necessary to have a confidant, 
avoid a vain person, however in other respects estim- 



101 



able. Such people feel their consequence mightily 
enhanced by being made the repositories'of secrets, and 
will, therefore, be peculiarly apt to blab them. 

apfjortsm Ctoo f^utrtrcrtr ants &ittttfrjfouvtf). 

There are no washerwomen like the Scotch : they 
employ both hands and feet in their avocation. The 
tub hornpipe is peculiar to these ladies. For speci- 
mens of this performance, as well as of well turned 
understandings, see the King's Park, Edinburgh, the 
Green of Glasgow, and other places in the Land of 
Cakes. 

Spfiotfem &too ^utrtrretr atrtr jgUnetg^if tftf}. 

The more the race is mixed, the more perfect does 
it become. This holds true both with regard to man 
and the inferior animals. Families which for several 
generations have intermarried, become imbeciles — 
hence the number of insane and weak-minded people 
among royal and noble families. 

ByQorfem Ctoo &unfcrdr aittr J&ittetg«£iit$. 

When a mother is constantly stunning you with 
praises of her daughter, depend upon it she has a design 
upon you. 

P. S. Supposing you to be a bachelor. 



102 

8pf)ottsm fttoo Huntrretr atitr &inttfc&tbtntf). 

One of the most disagreeable situations in which a 
man can be placed, is at a ball, where he himself can- 
not dance. In such a dilemma, the only step he can 
resort to is the preparation of negus, or lemonade for 
the company, not forgetting to help himself liberally 
to whatever is going in the shape of eatable or drink- 
able, 

aphorism Ctoo f^untrretr attir NtnetgsiEtgJtfj. 

The last half of the eighteenth century maybe called, 
par excellence, the age of scepticism. Philosophers 
and historians at that time affected to doubt every 
thing. Hume first doubted his own existence, and 
then doubted whether he doubted, which gave rise to 
Dr. Beattie's witty remark, that his work was " a 
doubtful solution of doubtful doubts." The most 
notorious doubters were the Scotch. Hailes com- 
menced by doubting every thing in the history of Scot- 
land honourable to the valour of the country; and 
Hume and others, following in the same train, thought 
they were showing their impartiality when they threw 
a doubt upon any deed which redounded to the credit 
of their native land. 

&pf)otu$m Cbo ?§utttrretr airtr jUtnetg-jittttf). 
The love which parents bear to their children is 



103 



much modified by the difficulty or care which thev 
experience in bringing them up. Poverty deadens 
affection, and induces harshness to the offspring, — on 
which account, the poorer classes are more unfeeling 
parents than those in easy circumstances. 

Styfjorumt €f)m i^untrretitS. 

You will seldom meet with a labouring man who is 
hen-pecked : he rules the roast, and is, I am sorry to 
say, more frequently the tyrant, than the lover of bia 
better half. 

aphorism €f>xzz ^untrretr antr ^trst 

Those frontlets or patches which gentlemen paste 
upon their heads for the purpose of concealing partial 
baldness, should be exploded. They are vile affairs, 
and prevent the head from being washed so often as it 
should be by every cleanly person. Don't wear a patch 
if you abominate paste, and love the daily ablution of 
your pericranium. Should you dislike to appear in 
company with a barren crown, get a wig at once, for to 
that it must come at last. 

apfjottsm €fjttt f^untrtrtr antr Secontr. 

The most awfully difficult and valour-daunting ex- 
ploit which a modest youth has to encounter, is that ot 



104 



requesting a lady to drink wine with him at a large dinner 
party. To perform this dreadful ceremony for the first 
time, requires such courage, that he who is able to go 
through it without shrinking, is qualified to lead the 
forlorn hope, force his way into a square of bayonets, 
pull the beard of the Sultan, or trip up the heels of the 
Emperor of China before all his mandarins. 

&p5otfem ffi&m i^utitrretr atrtr CJtrtr. 

In a state of nature, the feeling of shame in reference 

M 
to the person does not exist, — it is a conventional one, 

acquired by civilization. In the first stages of every 
country, except where the coldness of the climate com- 
pels clothing, the inhabitants invariably go naked. Such 
is the case, at the present day, with the aborigines of 
New Holland, and some other savage nations. 

&pt)orfettt ®&m f^utttrretr antr $wx% 

If you hear a man constantly talking of his indiffer- 
ence to the good things of this life, and how he could 
dine with as much pleasure on a potato as on turbot 
and oyster sauce, you may stamp him as a guzzler of 
the first magnitude. This affectation of indifference to 
good feeding is all bam. The most honest gourmands 
are decidedly the English : they talk of the subject 
with profound gusto, and may be said to have studied 



105 

the philosophy of eating more deeply than any nation 
in Europe, 

&p!jort0m €f)m p^untrretr ant? dftfty. 

Painters are not always the best judges of pictures, 
nor poets of poetry. Some of the first critics in both 
departments are persons who never tried their hand at 
either; for instance, Aristotle, Hazlitt, the Schlegels, 
and various others. 

&pf)ortsm €§vtz p*utrtrretr antr £(xtJ). 

The worst judge of a man's own productions is often 
himself. Milton conceived Paradise Regained superior 
to Paradise Lost, and Hogarth looked upon Sigismunda 
as his chef-d'oeuvre. 

&p!jorfem €fivtt Hutrtrretr ants £ebettt|j. 

When a man is notoriously and confessedly good at 
any thing, he does not feel much gratified at receiving 
praise on that account. Lord Byron liked better to be 
flattered for his swimming than for his poetry. He 
was good at both, but his excellence in the latter every 
body knew, and he therefore thought little about it. 
Cardinal Richelieu, on the contrary, was fond of being 
thought a first-rate poet, while he was perfectly indif- 
ferent about praise on account of his statesmanship. 



106 

This foible the courtiers knew well, and acted accord- 
ingly. He had also the ambition of being considered 
a great leaper; and having a jealousy of Count de 
Grammont, who was really excellent at that exercise, 
the latter allowed himself to be overcome by the car- 
dinal, and thus got into his good graces. 

&pfjorfem &f)m f^untrretr mrtr 3£tg|)tf). 

The most obvious inferences often escape the obser- 
vation of the most sensible men. Take the following 
as an example : Sir William Hamilton thought he had 
the phrenologists by the heels when he discovered that 
Voltaire, who despised religion, had a large organ of 
veneration. This was absurd. Voitaire was a notorious 
free-thinker. He did not believe in Christianity, and 
consequently could not venerate it. 

&pfjorfem Cftree f^untrretr atrtr jjtntj. 

Avoid having confidants. The most difficult thing 
in the world to keep is a secret ; and if you cannot 
preserve one yourself, how can you expect that another 
will ? Keep your private feelings and opinions also to 
yourself, and trust them to no ear, however apparently 
trustworthy. A pretty figure people cut, when, after 
quarrelling with confidants — a common case — they 
have the mortification of knowing that the latter are in 



107 



possession of all their secrets. Indeed, to have a con- 
fidant at all — unless in a case of strong necessity — 
argues invariably weakness of mind. 

^pfjottsm ffifjtee p^uttforstr antr €zxd% 

One of the greatest mysteries is the expression of 
the human eye. It depends upon something beyond 
"mere organization, for I have seen the eyes of two 
persons which in their structure and colour were, 
apparently, quite the same, and yet the ocular expres- 
sion of each individual was perfectly different. Some 
owe the expression of their countenance chiefly to the 
eyes, others to the mouth, nor is it, upon the whole, 
easy to say which feature is the most expressive. The 
intellect, I believe, is more especially communicated by 
the eyes, and the feelings by the mouth. I never knew 
a man of imaginative genius who had not fine eyes. 

&pfjorismt €f\nt f^unTfrretr amir C^Iebent^ 

It has been the occasion of surprise to many, that 
Switzerland, the most romantic country in Europe, has 
never produced a poet. They imagine that the scenery 
should generate poetry in the minds of the inhabitants ; 
but this is confounding the cause with the effect. It 
is not the scenery which makes the poet, but the mind 
of the poet which makes poetry of the scenery. 



108 

Holland, perhaps, the tamest district in the world, has 
produced some good poets; and our own immortal 
Milton, was born and brought up amid the smoke of 
London. Spenser, the most fanciful of poets, was also 
a Cockney. 

&j)fjortsm Cfjree p^utttrrefc anfo Ctoelfti). 

In a well-proportioned man, the distance between 
the points of the middle fingers, when the arms are 
stretched out laterally, should be equal to the length 
of his body. 

&pf)ortsm Cfjm &uttt>rdr antr Cfjtrtotttf). 

Hospitality is the virtue of a rude or semi-barbarous 
state of society, and a noble virtue it is. When people 
get civilized, and more especially when they become 
congregated in large towns, it invariably disappears. 
The hospitality of the Scotch Highlanders is much 
praised, but in truth the same thing exists in every 
society similarly constituted. The shepherds in the 
Lowlands, living far away from the rest of the world, 
and existing in a sort of primitive state, are just as 
hospitable as the mountaineers. 

&pf)ortsm €f)m fftnntrretr antr jfouvtzzntl). 
Ignorant people have an absurd prejudice against 



109 



the French for eating frogs, as if they were the princi- 
pal or only food of the nation. Suppose they did eat 
them, what then ? A frog, besides being the most 
cleanly of animals, is extremely tender, and constitutes 
excellent food. But the whole notion, so far as regards 
our Gallic neighbours, is ridiculous. There is not one 
Frenchman in five thousand who ever tasted a frog. A 
dish of those animals is a most costly affair ; and at 
Virey's, Beauvillier's, or any other first-rate restaura- 
teur's, cannot be had for less than a guinea. 

&pf)ott$m Ctree ?§uttirretr antr jf tfteeittf). 

The motive which prompts most people to travel is 
vanity. They care little themselves about what they 
may see, but have the pleasure of detailing it to others, 
and thus becoming lions. There is nothing which 
annoys a great traveller so much as the thought that 
one of the company has gone over the same ground as 
himself. Not only is the power of monopolizing the 
subject thus taken out of his hands, but he loses the 
privilege of shooting with the long bow — a right to 
which such personages have laid claim from time imme- 
morial. 

&pf)orism Cfjree pjuntrretr atttr Jrirteentf). 
Spectacles with golden frames are bad. Not only is 



110 

the pressure of this valuable but heavy metal on the 
nose disagreeable ? but I have known it produce swelling 
of that organ, followed by ulceration. The best frame 
is one made of tortoise-shell or slight steel. 

BpSorfem Cfjm l^untrretr arits gebenteentf). 

The best characters are not those who have fewest 
vices, but those who have most virtues. 

&pf)otfero €f\vtt Huntrretr atttr iEtgjjteetttf). 

The most aristocratic people in the world are those 
of the United States. 

&pf)orfem Cfjree p^untrrrtr arils Hmeteentl). 

There are some people who, for the purpose of 
veiling their hardness of heart, and want of humanity, 
affect a vast abhorrence of vice, and an equal rever- 
ence for virtue. If, for instance, a poor creature who 
at one period of his life committed some indiscretion, 
gets into distress, and applies to them for relief, they 
instantly put him in mind of the unlucky event, and 
thus pretend to justify themselves for withholding 
any assistance. No matter how much the indiscretion 
may have been atoned for : it has been committed, and 
that, forsooth, is enough for the hypocrites. Detesters 
of vice ! adorers of virtue ! — how do they expect that 



Ill 



their own errors will be overlooked by the Deity, when 
they themselves cannot — or rather affect they cannot — 
pass by unpunished the most venial transgressions of a 
fellow-creature. The assumed cause of their unchari- 
tableness is more offensive than the want of charity 
itself. 

&pt)ort<mt ®&vee f^untrretr antr CtoentietS* 
It is a curious circumstance, that blockheads are 
generally far better story-tellers than clever men. This, 
indeed, so often holds true, that when I hear of a 
person being great at story-telling, I am apt to place 
him in the catalogue of asses. 

gtyQorfem Cfjm i^untrretr antr ULtotnt&jfixst. 

The antipathy of the Scotch to fat meat is absurd : 
ditto to meat unless it be roasted to a cinder. 

&pf)orfem ffifjree ^untrretr antr Cfcoetttg=£econtr. 
Never lend umbrellas. 

&pf)otism &gm f^untrretr antr &toentg^£f)irtr. 

If a man takes your umbrella by mistake for his own, 
yours is invariably the best of the two. 

aphorism ftfjm f^uirtrretr antr Ctoentg?iFourti). 
Persons who have the deepest insight into character, 



112 

and are the most difficult to be* imposed upon, with 
regard to the dispositions and talents of individuals, are 
those who have a strong perception of the ridiculous. 
This truth Sir Walter Scott has beautifully illustrated 
in the novel of the Pirate, when he contrasts the two 
sisters, Minna and Brenda Troil. It is impossible to 
conceive any hypocrite passing himself off as a saint, 
or any shallow, but showy fellow, as a person of sterling 
talent upon such men as Swift, Cervantes, or Voltaire. 

&p?)ortem &%m p^untrreir antr &\x>tntfrjfitt% 

Nothing is more difficult than for two individuals to 
get up a consistent piece of falsehood which will stand 
the test of examination. If they could previously hit 
upon every point upon which, by possibility, they might 
be questioned, it would be easy enough to make their 
evidence tally ; but there is, in almost every case, a 
mass of minute particulars which must escape the most 
carefully preconcerted arrangement of the parties ; and 
it is upon these that their evidence would be apt to 
exhibit discrepancies. 

&pf)omm Cfjm f^untrretr atrtr €toetite=£txtfjr. 

Women are much more bitter against an erring 
sister than men. 



113 



Epfjortsm &f)m l^untiretr antr fttoentg=£ebentf). 
It is somewhat odd that the favourite English dish, 
beans and bacon, has never been naturalized in the 
Land of Cakes. I cannot charge myself with ever 
having seen such a dish in Scotland. 

&p$ort<mt &fivtz f^untrretr antr Cfcoent^lEtgfjt!). 

In the modern education of children, too much time 
is devoted to the cultivation of the mind, and too little 
to that of the body. What is the consequence ?' The 
intellect, from such premature and excessive exertion, 
and the body, from an opposite cause — a want of exer- 
tion — are both injured. The mind should never be 
forced on, but allowed to acquire strength with the 
growth of the body ; and the invigoration of the latter, 
above all, ought to be encouraged, as upon it depends 
most materially the future health of the individual. 
Education should be made a pastime with children, and 
not a task. The young mind when forcibly exerted 
becomes weakened, and a premature decay of its 
energies takes place. It is scandalous, as well as 
absurd, to see the manner in which children are confined 
several hours together within the walls of a school- 
house. Some parents declare that they cannot bear to 
see their offspring idle ; but when a child is enjoying 
itself in the open air, and acquiring health, it cannot be 
F 2 



114 

said to be idle. With health comes strength of body, 
and with strength of body strength of mind. 

&pf)ort<mt €f)m f^tmtrretr antr Ctoentg«jlfnt!j. 

- The high Tories are making a great deal too much 
fuss about the bishops doffing their wigs in the House 
of Lords. It is not upon the peruke, but upon the 
block which it covers, that the glory and renown of the 
Church of England depend. Tillotson, Stilingfleet, 
and Jeremy Taylor sported wigs, to be sure, but would 
they have been less potent pillars of Episcopacy had 
they appeared in Parliament with sconces as bare as a 
Dominican friar's-— as uncovered as Father Abraham's ? 

gtyfjoram CJjm l^untrretr anlr Q^trttetfj. 

There is seldom much love in a romp. If there be 
any at all, it is not of a very profound or passionate 
description. Romps are pleasant, crack-brained fools, 
with too much mischief in their pates to be capable of 
thinking or feeling deeply on any subject. 

&pfjousm €f)vw ^ttnfrretr antr Cljtrtg^ff trst 

The higher we ascend in the scale of rank, the less 
consequence do the parties assume. The squire gives 
himself more airs, and is more afraid of associating with 
his inferiors, than the duke. More courtesy and famili- 



arity are shown to those beneath them by the nobility 
than by wealthy merchants and tradesmen. A rich 
cheesemonger is a far more important character than 
his grace. 

apjorfem €^xtz p^untrretr ants Ojtrt^srecotttr. 

Tragedy-writers and tragic actors are usually gay, 
rattling fellows : writers and performers of comedy the 
reverse. Persons, indeed, who excel in humour have, in 
a great majority of cases, a strong dash of sadness in 
then* temperament. The saturnine Swift — the peevish, 
cynical Smollett — the moping Grimaldi — the melan- 
choly Carlin, are strong illustrations in support of 
this point. Nature seems to delight in contradictions. 

&!>f)orfem €f)rtt ^untrretr antr €f)trtg=€f)trir. 

The best and worst cheese in Em-ope is made by the 
Dutch, who favour us with the last, and keep the first 
to themselves. 

apljorfem ft|ro f^untrretr antr CTurtfisjf ourtfj. 

Be slow of giving credit to any stories you may hear 
about extraordinary feats of strength and agility. 
Some time ago a gentleman told me that a friend 
of his jumped twenty-four feet upon a dead level. 
Meeting the said friend shortly after, I asked him if he 



116 



had ever perpetrated such a leap, when he at once 
declared his entire guiltlessness thereof, and said that 
the greatest leap he ever committed was six yards and 
a half. 

^pTjorism &f)m Hutttrretr axtts fttntlg^ff tftj. 

Considering the population of Germany, more people 
wear spectacles in that country than in any other in 
Europe. This, I take it, proceeds from the studious 
habits of the Germans, who thus injure their eyesight. 

&p1)ortsm Cfjm f^untrretr ants ffifHttg=£ixt!j. 

Ignorant illiterate people appear to much greater 
advantage in the witness box than the well educated. 
In such a situation, it is much easier to bamboozle a 
philosopher than a peasant. 

&pDorfem €f)m p^untrtrtr atrtr C$(rts4&ebent8. 

The worst witnesses are lawyers. We should imagine 
them the best, but facts are always stultifying our 
preconceived notions. 

&pJ)orfsm ftfjm f^untrretr ants €%ix\^m^t% 

It is very disgusting to hear the cant uttered by 
some people concerning the immoralities of Burns and 
Byron. Did these persons possess a tithe of the same 



117 

strong passions to struggle against as the great poets in 
question, they would have been cursed with a hundred 
times more vice, without being blessed by a particle of 
the virtues possessed by the objects of their vitupera- 
tion. Bums and Byron no doubt had their faults, 
(winch in their case were more remarked than in 
inferior men, whose very insignificance causes errors to 
be unobserved,) but in considering them, their un- 
doubted good qualities should be placed in the opposite 
scale, and an average thus struck of the good and evil. 

&pfjorism €f\vtt f^untrretr antr &fjtrtg'£tnff). 

The best sausages in the world are to be had in 
Paris. I mean the fresh sausages, for in the dried 
state the German ones are allowed to be matchless. 

&pSortsm fflfjm f^untrretr antr jfovtizti). 

If you publish a book, do not trust to your friends 
or acquaintances buying it. They are the worst patrons 
an author can have, and never think of purchasing his 



&pfjotumt Cfjm f^untrretr antr iForts-jFtrst. 

In France, Germany, or Italy, a stranger can see 
almost any thing without paying for it, — the palaces, 
paintings, halls of sculpture, churches, &c. He ma}- 



118 

even attend the public hospitals and lectures on medi- 
cine and philosophy free of expense. In all this there 
is a liberality most creditable to the governments of 
these nations, and widely different from the grasping 
avarice prevailing in this country, where nothing is 
shown unless exorbitantly paid for. Let any person 
who doubts this, visit St. Paul's, Holyrood House, or 
any public institution, and he will be convinced to his 
cost. 

The most splendid piece of modern prose composi- 
tion is, perhaps, the description of the Hall of Eblis, in 
Vathek, — a work which (or rather the author of 
which) Professor Wilson pronounces to be destitute of 
genius of any kind ; and which Lord Byron declares to 
be one of the most magnificent imitations of the Eastern 
romance that ever was written. " Who shall decide 
when poets disagree ? " 

Cologne is the dirtiest town in Europe. 

&pf)origm €f)xzz f^untrretr anSr .dFortg-.if ourtfj. 

Black is the coldest dress in winter, and warmest in 
summer. White is the reverse. 



119 

The Scotch fiddle is a misnomer. Our neighbours 
the Irish are supposed to be the most distinguished 
performers on this unmelodious instrument. 

&pf)ortsm €fjvtt p^turtrretr atttr jFortg«£ixt!). 

An absurd prejudice prevails among foreigners, and 
even natives, against the water of the Seine, which, I 
have the authority of Thenard, whom I heard prelect 
upon the subject some years ago, to pronounce 
extremely wholesome. 

&pfjort«mt Cijtee p^untrreft anU if ortg^ebentf). 

If you are apt to bespatter yourself, it is a good plan 
in wet weather to wear drab, pepper-and-salt, or grey 
trowsers. # 

apjorfam €§xtz ^uttirretr antr jf ortg=<Etg!)tJj- 

Tall men have a most inordinate propensity to 
marry little women, and vice versa. Middle-sized 
men alone are guided hy common sense in this matter, 
as they generally marry middle-sized women. There 
is something inexpressibly absurd in a man of six feet 
six going arm-in-arm with a little body a foot and a 
half less than himself; taking two steps for every one 
of his, and looking up at him as if his face were the 



120 



ball of the steeple. But the absurdity is still greater 
to behold a little dapper fellow, of some four feet ten, 
yoked to a tall dawdle of a woman, who overtops him 
by a neck and head. It is quite impossible for a 
giantess of this description to respect such a mannikin 
of a husband. 

&pf)orfem €f)m ptutttrretr antr ,Jf ortg-j^ttttf). 

Some blockheads blame Shakspeare for asking 
" what is in a name ? " It is not Shakspeare who does 
SO; but the love-lorn Juliet, from whom the observation 
comes with singular propriety. Well did the Swan of 
Avon know the influence of names. 

&pl)0rfem €f>vzz p^tmtrretr antr ,if tfttetl). 

Talking of the Swan of Avon, some asses have taken 
it upon them to pronounce his name as if it spelt 
Shack-speare : and Kean, the actor, who is certainly no 
ass, has done the same thing. We should have thought 
Kean had a little more poetry in his composition than 
to substitute such a tame unmeaning appellation for 
one which instantly calls up shaking the spear, and 
other warlike associations. The above is an instance 
of the power possessed by men of genius over the minds 
of blockheads, for I believe that Kean was in reality 



121 

the originator (the reviver at all events) of the objec- 
tionable pronunciation. 

8pf)ori<mt Cfjree f^untrtetr antr jf tftg^ trst 

Patrons of churches should appoint no clergyman 
who has not a good audible voice. In all congregations 
there are many old people whose hearing is not very 
acute ; and it is wrong that they should be deprived of 
the benefit of the service because the officiating priest 
cannot or will not speak above his breath. 

P. S. No minister with a weak voice should be 
appointed to a large church. 

&pf)oristtt C^ree f^untrretr ants ,df tft^Jrecontr. 

When a miser is drunk, he sits with his hands in his 
breeches pockets. This is an infallible sign of the 
man's character. 

&p!)orfem ffijm ptun&tefc an & Jf tftg=&f)irlr. 
The best light in the world, and by no means the 
most expensive, is the spermaceti candle. 

&})fjortsm QL^xtz p^untrretr atrtr $ tftg^ifourtt). 

If you see a man with broad shoulders and spindle- 
shanks, ten to one he is an Englishman. 



122 

&pfjortsm Cfiree f^untrrrtr antr dfitt^jf iffy. 
Talking about spindle-shanks, reminds me of a good 
anecdote. About thirty years ago, more or less, a 
supply of ready made gaiters was sent down from 
London for a Scotch militia regiment, and were, with 
the exception of one pair, obliged to be returned on 
account of being too small. The person whom this 
solitary pair fitted was a half-starved barber, Tom 
Strap by name. Will any man after this deny that the 
English are a spindle-shanked generation ? 

&$%nvimx €f>rtz $§untrretr antr dfift&&ixtf). 

Of all animals the most insolent, pampered, and 
greedy, are the domestics of the nobility. 

&p5orism €f)m f^untrretr antr jf tftg-Sebentf). 

The great secret of making oneself agreeable is 
to be a good listener. Crafty people know this well, 
and act accordingly. 

gtytjortsm Cfjree f^untrretr antr $ tftg^SigStf). 

Women who rule their husbands are often ruled by 
their children. We should expect the contrary. 

&P$otfem ftfjree f^untrretr antr jf tftg=#mtl). 
I have remarked, and Gil Bias' mother did the 



123 

same thing, that women generally bear a great dislike 
to their sons' wives. This is the more remarkable as 
they are almost always fond of their sons-in-law. Can 
any person explain the why and wherefore of these 
singular facts ? 

®$f)Qtimx €f>vw ^untsvtts ants gtxttetf). 

A vast deal of nonsense is talked about the proper 
method of preparing toddy; and no two people can agree 
as to whether the water, the spirit, or the sugar, should 
be put in first. This is extremely absurd. The thing 
is just as broad as it is long, nor does it matter a straw 
which of the ingredients has the precedence. If these 
are good, and are combined in proper proportions, you 
will have good toddy, no matter which you put first or 
last into the tumbler. 

^pljortsm ffiljm ^nntsvtts ants Stxtg^ff ttst 

I can form a pretty shrewd guess as to whether a 
man is short or tall by the manner in which he knocks 
at the door. If the knocker goes rap, rap, rap, rap, 
loud and quickly, I estimate him at five feet six, or 
downwards, and am seldom mistaken. 

&pf)oram Cljm ^untrtetr ants &ixtfr&ttonls. 
The Scotch, as a nation, have larger heads than the 



124 

English ; and the people in the north of Ireland than 
those in the south. Ask any extensive hatter, and he 
will verify this assertion. The largest heads in Scotland 
are in Aberdeenshire, the natives of which are supposed 
to be the most sagacious bipeds of the Caledonian 
breed. 

&$f}0vim %$xtz f^tmirrctr atttr $iitg*Cfjfrlr. 

Talking of heads, that of Sir Walter Scott was a 
curiosity. His head was very large, and yet he required 
a very small hat. The reason is obvious. His head 
was remarkably lofty — more so, by far, than that of any 
man I ever saw; and thus possessed great size, although 
its circumference was below average. 

&pJ)Qtu$m €f)ree p^unforetr antr Stxtg-jf ourtf). 

The most gesticulative nation in Europe are the 
Neapolitans — the least so the Dutch. Cato the censor 
must have been a Dutchman. 

apSotfem €i)rtt p^utttrreir antr Stxtg^jf tftfj. 

Puppyism is at a premium just now. Most parents 
have a desire that their sons should get dandified as 
soon as possible, and, accordingly, employ all their skill 
to make them part with every thing in the shape of 
diffidence or modesty. This is highly commendable. 



125 

Spljorfem €f}ttt f^utttrretr antr Siitg-Jriitf). 
Ireland has produced some tremendous jistiologists, 
such as Peter Corcoran, Ryan, Donelly, and others ; 
but, upon the whole, England is entitled to carry off 
the palm of pugilistic excellence. The English are as 
brave and strong as the Irish, and have far more cool- 
ness. 

SipSorfem Cf)m ?§utrtrre& antr gtxtg^ebetttfj, 

The best boxer that ever stripped was Jem Belcher. 
He was a man of much greater genius than Jeremy 
Bentham, Macintosh, and fifty others whom it is fashion- 
able to praise, now-a-days. The improvements he 
introduced into the fistic art were truly valuable, and 
produced an entire revolution in the science. In inven- 
tive talent he was quite equal to Watt. His stopping 
with the right hand, and making the return with the 
left — being just the reverse of the old system — deserve 
immortal honour, to say nothing of his improvement in 
cross-buttocking, and giving pepper to his antagonist 
without napping it himself. Jem was decidedly the 
Hannibal of pugilists, as the Game Chicken was the 
Scipio Africanus. The Chicken s left-handed hit on 
the jugular is entitled to great praise, and stamps him 
as a man of first-rate genius. Randall's " one, two," 
and favourite lounge at the bread-basket, are also 



126 



specimens of exquisite talent. Cribb, though rather 
slow, must also be allowed to possess considerable 
inventive genius. Had he done nothing else than 
introduce that admirable piece of generalship, milling 
on the retreat, he would be justly entitled to a niche 
in the temple of fame. Need I mention the illustrious 
Gulley, who now fills the distinguished place of a 
British senator ? Did he wield his tongue as skilfully 
as his bunch of fives, he would floor the best speakers 
in the house. 

^pfjorfem Cfjree f^utrtrtetr antr ${xtfi*<£ig]jt])* 

The Scotch cut a poor figure with their daddies. 
Though excellent metaphysicians, and political econo- 
mists, they are very so-so millers indeed. The only 
truly good man in this line that Scotland ever pro- 
duced is Captain Barclay, who, after, all is only an 
amateur, and never entered the ring. 

&p!jorfem €f)vzz ^untrretr antr Stxts^intfj. 

Sea-gull's eggs, when boiled hard, and eaten cold with 
pepper, salt, vinegar, and mustard, make a delightful 
breakfast dish. Many persons have an antipathy to 
such eggs ; but it is from eating them in the soft state, 
when they have a fishy taste. Try them as above, and 
they will change their opinions on the subject. 



127 



No offence is so difficult to pardon as contempt. 
Beat a man and he may forgive you ; abuse him and 
he may forget it, but once treat him with contumely, 
and he becomes your enemy for life. 

apjotfem Cf)m f^unftrefr atttr Sbzhtntv-jFivst 

I never knew a woman who could argue well : so 
much the better. There is a delightful inconsequen- 
tiality in the reasonings of the fair sex. Some beautiful 
specimens of the non sequitur might be collected from 
their efforts in this department of logic. 

&p5cri<mt ftfyxzz p^untrreSr atttr ^tbtrtt^^tcords. 

If you are troubled with weak eyes, do not wear 
green spectacles : they do harm. Blue glasses are 
infinitely superior. I speak from experience. 

&pf)ortsm &§vtz f^unlrretr attft J?ebentg'€?Hrir. 

If a man has any peculiar opinions regarding religion, 
he should keep them to himself, and not endeavour to 
instil them into others. This is more especially the 
case if they savour of infidelity. To shake any one's 
belief in a future state, is a piece of gratuitous and 
wanton cruelty, for which there is no possible excuse ; 
and yet there are many deists who make a point of 



128 

doing so whenever they have an opportunity, and thus 
undermining the pillars upon which the consolation of 
their victims was built. 

&p!)orfem Cftree p^utrtrreSr antr Sebent^jf ourtf). 

If in any publication you read an article in which 
an attempt is made to dignify tailors, and blunt the 
edge of that ridicule which has been turned against 
them from time immemorial, you may rely upon it that 
it has been written by one of the fraternity. It is im- 
possible to make Snip heroic or interesting. Smollett 
contrived to elevate barbers, in the person of Strap ; 
but to inspire us with interest for the ninth part of a 
man would have puzzled even his genius. 

&P?)oram €f)m ^untrrefo atttr Sebentg-jf tftf). 

Blackwood remarked, many years ago, upon the 
impossibility of conceiving Tom Cribb to be a French- 
man; but it is still more difficult to imagine a tailor 
champion of England : and yet Jack Randall — he was 
lushy at the time, I confess — was once within an ace 
of being licked by a snip ; nor was it till after having 
the worst of several rounds that he was able to take 
the conceit out of this pugnacious knight of the small 
sword. 



129 



The best soporific is a dull sermon. Its narcotic 
effects are greatly superior to those of opium, especially 
if the church be very warm. 

apjorfem €§xzt Stuntrreir atttr g>ebettt^«£ebetttf). 

People are every now and then getting alarmed lest 
some comet should destroy the earth. Such terrors 
are founded upon a miserably narrow view of the 
universe. It is utterly impossible, in the nature of 
things, that an event of this kind can take place. All 
the heavenly bodies move in a certain tract, from which 
they cannot deviate ; and though the path of the comets 
is more diversified than that of the others, they are not 
the less subject to the same law. They are merely 
wandering over a space which they have traversed since 
the creation, and can never approach nearer the earth 
than they have already frequently been. The Deity 
has too well guarded the integrity of His works to 
permit the destruction of any of them by such an 
approximation. 

&pJjortsm &Dm f^utttrretr antr £ebetttg=3£tg!)tf). 

If you chance to say any thing not particularly witty, 
and one of the company laughs heartily at the same, 
you may conclude either that he is turning you into 

G 



130 

ridicule, that he is an ass, or that he wishes to curry- 
favour with you. 

&P$oru$m Cfjm ^untrretr mttr Sebetttg^mtJ. 

If a person has a great knack at finding out feats of 
legerdemain, you may pronounce him a blockhead. I 
never knew a clever man who was worth a farthing at 
detecting such tricks. 

atyfjorfem Cfjm ^utttrretr atrtr <£tgt)ttet!). 

Many persons talk of the pleasure they will experi- 
ence, when, after a long absence, they revisit the scenes 
of their youth. In returning to such scenes, no feelings 
but those of melancholy arise in the mind. Every one 
who has made the experiment will find this to be the 
case. Upon the whole, there are no pleasures like 
The Pleasures of Hope. The Pleasures of Memory 
— no offence to Rogers — are idle phantoms of the brain. 

^Sonant ffifjree f^untrretr atrtr ^igfltg-jf ttst. 

There is not a town in the United Kingdom where, 
as a body, the inhabitants speak such pure English as 
in Inverness. Sam. Johnson very absurdly imputed 
this to their intercourse in former times with Oliver 
Cromwell's soldiers. 



131 



&pljomm €§vtz i^untrr^ antr 3£tgf)tgsg>ecotttr. 
Never smoke with pipes which are not glazed at the 
mouth-piece, or when this is broken off. In such cases, 
the stalk is apt to adhere to the lips ; and the pulling 
necessary to loosen the adhesion may so far irritate 
those parts, as, in course of time, to produce cancer. 
Sir Astley Cooper relates cases of this horrid disease 
which arose from such a cause. 

bottom €%vtz f^utttrretr antr <£tgfjt^€f)ttir. 

The worst ink in the world is Japan ink. It costs ten 
times as much as common ink, and is not half so good. 

&pf)omm €$xtz ^utrtrretr antr <£tg$tg=;if ottttl). 

In modern education a great deal too much time is 
devoted to the dead, and a great deal too little to the 
living languages. Boys — unless they are destined for the 
learned professions — instead of wasting several years 
in Latin and Greek, should set to French, German, 
Italian, or some modern tongue, which may be of prac- 
tical use to them in the business of life. 

&pf)otu$m Ctjm f^uttirretr atrtr 3£tgf)ts=,jf tftf). 

The best metallic pens are the Perryan ; but, after 
all, no artificial pen is equal to a good goose quill. 
N. B. No metallic pen writes well upon pasteboard. 



132 

&p5orfem €f)vzz f^utttrretr antr 35tgt)tg=Stxtf). 
Of all literary coxcombs, the most despicable was 
Lord Chesterfield. His letters to his son — who, by 
the bye, must have been an ass of the first water — are 
the veriest rubbish that ever issued from the press. Well 
did Sam. Johnson characterise them as inculcating the 
morals of a prostitute and the manners of a dancing- 
master. It makes us ashamed of our grandfathers to 
think that such stuff passed current and attracted 
admiration in their day. 

&pf)otfettt Cfjm p^utitrretr mttr SStgfjtg'Jrebetttf). 

Johnson's reproof of Chesterfield on the occasion of 
the latter puffing the Doctor's dictionary, under the 
hope that it would be dedicated to him, (after treating 
the author during the progress of this mighty work with 
marked neglect,) is a masterly specimen of mingled 
scorn and rebuke ; but I think the purpose would have 
been much more effectually served had he treated his 
lordship's advances with silent contempt. 

&pf)o?fem €f)vw f^utttrretr antr <£tgl)t2'<£tg!)tf). 

The word merit is often sadly misapplied. If a man 
accumulates a fortune, it is customary to say that he 
has great merit, as if he were entitled to the slightest 
praise for looking sharply after his own interest, and 



133 



feathering his own nest. The most grovelling creatures 
are just as likely to do this as the noble-minded and 
generous, or rather much more so ; and the whole has 
its root in the strong selfishness of human nature. 
Were a man to make a great sacrifice for the purpose 
of doing justice to the injured, placing his poor and 
deserving friends or relatives in comfortable circum- 
stances, or advancing the cause of science and philan- 
thropy, his merit would be undeniable, although pro- 
bably the heartless portion of the world would call him 
a fool for his pains. 

&pt)orfew Cfjm i^untrretr atrtr i£tg$tg:#ttttS. 

In shaving, carry the edge of the razor as much as 
possible against the grain. This at first is difficult, but 
a little practice soon overcomes it. 

&pf)0rfem €f\xtt p^utrtrreir atrtr jUtnettetfj. 

Always shave with hot water. I insert this aphorism 
as I observe my friend Sir John Sinclair has very 
absurdly recommended cold water. 

^pljorfem Cjjtee ?§utrtrtrtr antr litnetg^jf ml 

I would recommend every man who values a good 
shave to have at least a dozen of razors. I cannot 
explain how it happens, but a razor by being laid aside 



134 

for a number of days improves in sharpness. This is 
a fact to which any barber in town or country will bear 
witness. 

&pf)cit:fem Cfjm f^utttrrrir attir j&tttetg^eamir. 
I never knew a good leaper who was flat-soled. 

&pf)ortsm €Sm f^unirreir attir l^tttetg'&fjtrir. 

If you are informed that a man intends to pull your 
nose, the best method of defeating his purpose is to 
grease it. This is much better than flooring him on 
the spot, or calling him out. 

atyjotfem ffifjm f^uttirteir attir |£ittetg=-if ourt$. 

Authors should prey upon the public, and not upon 
each other. I make this remark from the annoyance 
to which literary people are subjected by a set of 
scribblers who call upon them, and either solicit money 
or the favour of their names to some work which they 
— the said scribblers — are about to publish. This is 
the more provoking, because such persons are never 
men of talent, but useless, self-sufficient lazy devils, who, 
from a spirit of blinded conceit and indolence, will not 
turn their hands to a decent calling, but must, forsooth, 
try their luck in the field of literature. 



135 

&pf)ori8m €f)m p^utrtrreir atttr lUnetg^ tftf). 
An unaccountable sympathy seems to exist between 
London, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Paisley, and Renfrew. 
Take the following facts as evidence thereof : — On the 
occasion of the late king's visit to Scotland, the magis- 
trates of the different cities, towns, and boroughs of the 
Land of Cakes required court dresses to enable them 
to pay their devoirs to his Majesty at Holyrood. Well 
then, it so turned out that the dresses of the Edinburgh 
magistrates were made in London — those of the Glasgow 
magistrates in Edinburgh — those of the Paisley magis- 
trates in Glasgow, and those of the Renfrew magistrates 
, in Paisley. 

&$l>ovim €|jm f^untrretr atntr j&tttetg=g>tetf). 

The eloquence of the bar and that of the senate 
appear to be incompatible. Erskine, Curran, Jeffrey, 
&c, all eminent pleaders, failed in parliament ; and the 
bulk of those distinguished for their forensic orations 
have been equally unsuccessful. Brougham, to be 
sure, is great in Parliament, but then his bar eloquence 
— good as that was — was far inferior to his senatorial. 
Indeed, considering the general powers of the man, it 
might be called a failure, so that he constitutes no 
exception to the rule. It is difficult to imagine that 
Burke, Pitt, or Fox — the three stars of the House of 



136 

Commons — would have shone at the bar, and perhaps 
still more so to imagine the same thing of Chatham, 
who was greater than any of them. 

&pf)ortsm Cfjree f^untrretr antr jMnet2«$ebeitt$. 

If you hear any Christian boast that he has been in 
the Mosque of St. Sophia at Constantinople, you may, 
with great safety, pronounce him a liar. 

8tyf)orfem €f\xw f^untrretr atrtr jUmetg^tgfjtf). 

Bristol has produced more good boxers than any 
town in the kingdom. Cribb, the three Belchers, 
Harmer, Nicholls, Neat, the Game Chicken, Big Ben, 
cum multis aliis, fought their way into the world in 
this city of incendiaries and pugilists. 

&pDorfem &fjm f^untrretr antr jftmetg=#tntfj. 

Of all men of genius, none had so many absurd pre- 
judices as Johnson. Upon what principle, physiological 
or otherwise, are we to account for his detestation of 
these excellent dishes, hotch-potch and Scotch haggis? 

&pTjorism jfouv Huntrretrtf). 

Dancing is veiy absurd in a fat man, and still more 
so in a fat woman ; yet how often do we meet with 
such people tripping it on the light fantastic toe. 



137 



Eptjorfem if out pmntrretr antr if itst. 
The best whisky is made in Scotland. It is ludi- 
crous to behold the Irish standing out for the supremacy 
of poteen. 

&p!)ott<mt if out ^untrretr antr ^erotttr. 

A man who is good at making explanations and 
apologies, is seldom good for any thing else. 

&pf)crtsm if our i^unirtetr antr Cfjtttr. 

Extremes often meet. Strong friendships and par- 
tialities seldom exist between individuals of similar 
minds. This may seem a paradox, but it is perfectly 
true. Indeed, it may be laid down as an axiom, that 
great differences either produce strong attachments, or 
strong antipathies. This is another apparent paradox. 
There is often no accounting for these facts : we must 
take them as we find them. 

&pDorism if out* f&untrretr antr if outtfj. 

The best sauce for fish, or indeed for almost any 
thing, is oyster sauce. Lobster sauce, the King of 
Oude's, Essence of Anchovies, &c. &c. are all well 
enough in the four months of the year when the natives 
cannot be had ; but when oysters are procurable, there 
is no excuse for using sauce made with any thing else. 
G 2 



138 

ftpttorism jftmv f^tttrtrretr antr dfift% 
Some people eat oysters with the beards on : Chacun 
a son gouty but, for my part, I always have them de- 
nuded of these appendages. Oysters, I think, should 
always, except in the shape of sauce, be eaten raw, and 
out of the shell. Depend upon it, this is the approved 
method among gourmands. My lamented friend, the 
late Dando, never swallowed them in any other form ; 
and his authority on these subjects, even Dr. Kitchener 
would not have disputed. 

&pf)orfem jfaur f^untrretr atrtr Sixtfj. 

Whatever gourmands may say to the contrary, apple 
sauce is no improvement to roasted goose. To relish 
such a mixture of incompatibles, implies a depraved 
taste. 

&pf)orfem jfour ^urrtrretr atrtr £ebettt$. 

If you are bald, wear a wig, unless you have an 
elegantly formed head. Without this requisite, bald- 
ness is never becoming, and the man who sports it, is 
putting his appearance to a severe test. 

bottom jf our f^untrretr atrtr <&i$i% 

Important to Drunkards. If, an hour before sitting 
down to drink, you take a grain or two of opium, you 



139 

will be able to withstand a much greater quantity than 
otherwise of liquor. This fact has escaped the notice 
of Macnish. 

&pfjortsm if our f^untrretr ants $ttttf). 

The best way of standing out a debauch well, is to 
be cautious at the commencement. A man who is 
sober at eleven o'clock at night, may drink till six in 
the morning. It is also of consequence to stick to 
one liquor. This I mention as many people deluge 
their stomachs with malt liquor after dinner, then 
betake themselves to wine, and wind up the perform- 
ances by hot toddy. No head can withstand such a 
Gothic intermixture of ingredients, which are good in 
themselves, but which, when united, become too much 
for Bacchus himself. 

&pf)orismt jf our f^untrretr atttr Cent}. 

The most conceited people under the sun are the 
Yankees. 

P. S. Talking of Yankees, it is amusing to hear 
Cooper the novellist, called the American Walter 
Scott. This puts me in mind of our own Stothard, 
whom some imprudent admirers have denominated 
the British Raphael. Comparisons of this kind only 
injure those whom it is intended to compliment by them. 



140 

&pf)omm jFour f^utttrretr atrtr OMebettt!). 
If you wish to impose upon stupid people, be very- 
mysterious and unintelligible. The less you are under- 
stood the more highly will you rise in their estimation. 
The great secret of the success of many popular 
preachers, consists in bamboozling their hearers. 
Sensible, intelligible preachers are seldom popular. 
This may be received as an uncontrovertible fact. 

gtyfjorism jftmv Hutttrretr atrtr €\nzXft% 

Sensible people are generally those who talk least. 
Great talkers are, for the most part, great asses. What 
says the couplet ? 

" The prophet Balaam was in wonder lost 
To hear his ass speak — asses now speak most." 

gtytjorismt Jfouv f^utrtrretr atrtr Cfjtrtesntf). 

The best way of getting into a mans good graces 
is to laugh heartily at all his jokes. Nothing pleases 
poor human nature so much as this species of homage. 
The worse his jokes are, let your laugh be all the 
heartier. 

&pfjorfem jfonv p^untrretr amtr jFnuvtttnfy. 

The best drink after a feast of Oysters, is whisky 
toddy. 



141 



gpljorfem if our ^tmtrretr antr jfifttzntl). 
Persons who indulge mucli in conundrums, charades, 
&c, are invariably poor creatures. The same remark 
applies to punsters. It is difficult for a man of sterling 
talent to perpetrate a pun, or to solve an enigma. On 
the latter account, CEdipus must have been an ass. 

aiftorfem JfavLV p^untrretr antr Sixteenth 

Some stupid people suppose that imagination and 
philosophy are incompatible. Blockheads ! Was not 
Bacon the greatest of philosophers, also one of the 
most imaginative of men ? There is more true phil- 
osophy in the writings of Shakspeare, Milton, and 
Scott, than in those of all the metaphysicians that ever 
existed. 

&pf)o?tsm jfouv fE^untrretr antr £>ebenteentfj. 

" As grave as a Spaniard," has passed into a bye- 
word ; but the phrase is inaccurate, for the Spaniards, 
like all other southern nations, are a gay and lively 
people. The gravity which exists, is solely confined 
to the grandees, who are rendered so by the genius of 
the government, and not by nature. National character 
is much more dependant on climate than is generally 
supposed. A moist, foggy atmosphere renders people 
phlegmatic ; witness the Dutch ; — a sunny climate dis- 



142 

poses them to be gay and light hearted; witness the 
Italians and French ; while intense heat inclines them 
to luxury and voluptuousness, as in the case of the 
Turks and the natives of the tropics. The heart is 
lighter in summer than in winter, and in a clear day 
than in a gloomy one. Such influences continuing 
constantly to operate, must, in the course of a few 
ages, have a permanent effect upon the moral structure, 
and thus confer a character upon nations. 

&*>fjotfem ;ff our f^untrretr antr Wiyfitztnti). 

If you invite several people to dine with you, and 
one of them is late of arriving, never wait for him, but 
order the dimier to be served at once. This is a good 
advice, as not only do many people make a regular 
practice of coming late, but some landlords, out of a 
mistaken courtesy, await their arrival, to the injury of 
the meats, and the great annoyance of the rest of the 
company, who are thus made to suffer for their want 
of good manners. The remedy for this offence, contra 
bonos mores, is perfectly simple, and will seldom fail 
of effecting a cure. 

&pfjorfem tfmx f^untrretr antr j^tneteentj. 

There are some persons with whom it is a good plan 
to sport ignorance. By doing so, you will get into 



143 

their good graces, and probably be invited to dinner, 
whereas, if you make it appear that you are wiser or 
better informed than themselves, they will have nothing 
to do with you. 

aphorism jf our f^untrretr antr Cfoettttetf). 

In dry weather, carry an umbrella ; in wet, please 
yourself. This, to be sure, is a Spanish proverb, but 
it is none the worse of being repeated. 

8pf)orfetn if our f^utttrretr antr Ctoentg-if irst 

Dark complexioned people should dress in black. 
A light dress makes too strong a contrast with the 
sombre hue of their skin. 

&pfjorfem if our f^mrtrrrtr antr &toetttgsgecotrtr. 

Blue-stockings are most dreadful bores ? especially 
if ugly, which they generally are. 

&pfjortsm if our f^untrretr antr Ctoentg^lnrir. 

Still greater bores are ladies who keep albums, and 
solicit contributions in the shape of picture or poetry. 
If they chance to be pretty, you must oblige them, 
poor things ; if the reverse, you may refuse : but then 
you are sure to get into their bad graces, and they 
become inveterate enemies for life. 



144 

&pfjotumt jf our f^untrretr ants Ctoetttg^ outtf). 
A lady's album is generally worth looking at, as a 
psychological curiosity, indicative, to a considerable 
extent, of the taste and feelings of its owner. 

&p5ortsm jf our i^utrtrretr an& Cfaents-jf tftfj. 

When a man is offended at being called a blockhead, 
it is a proof that he is so in reality. Clever men only 
laugh at being so denominated. 

&pfjorfem Jf our g^untrretr antr Ctoente^SixtJ. 

All authors who affix a string of titles after their 
names are asses. This practice is common, in an 
especial degree, with the medical tribe. 

&p!)orumt jf our f^untrretr antr Cfoettt^Sebentf). 

The passion of self-conceit flourishes more vigorously 
in small than in large towns. In the latter, it is 
checked by people having more opportunities of com- 
paring their own merits and consequence with those 
of others, and thus estimating both by a severer 
standard. 

&pfjorusm ,jf our p^untrretr antr €toent8~3£tgf)tf). 

English servants are the greediest in Europe. For 
the most trifling service they expect extravagant 



145 

remuneration, and have no idea of doing the slightes 
good turn, unless they are paid for it. The soonei 
the custom of giving servants vails is abolished, the 
better. It is a shameful tax upon visitors, who are 
thus made to pay smartly for the hospitality shown to 
them. 

&pSoram dFour p^uttirretr atrtr Ctoentg-ift in tf). 

Those who are always talking of their fine feelings and 
sympathy with distress, have no feeling of any kind. 
Their sympathy is all gammon, and is employed as a 
cloak to cover the merest hard-heartedness. 

flpfarfem if our f^uttirretr antr CDtrttetf). 

Those who are fond of talking about their deceased 
relatives, care nothing about them. True sorrow 
sedulously avoids the mention of such topics, however 
much it may indulge in the cogitation. 

Slpljotfem ,jf our J^untrretr atttr €tt?ts*#tat 

A great deal of wrath is wasted in invectives against 
despotic governments and the tyranny of kings, but all 
this is absurd and unmeaning. It is not the govern- 
ments and despots that are to be blamed, but the 
people who submit to them. Those placed at the 
head of a nation, will behave despotically if they are 



146 

allowed ; for men are naturally tyrants at heart. It 
is therefore ridiculous to complain of the despotism of 
the Russian Emperor — he does no more than the kings 
of England and France, or the President of the United 
States would do, if they had the power. 

Epfjorfem jfouv i^untrretr atttr &t)ittg'J^ottir. 

Women who are fond of splendid, gaudy dresses, are 
generally drabs. To prove this, try and get a sight of 
them en deshabille, when they do not expect visitors — 
say at breakfast time. 

&p5omm jFour f^tnttrretr antr CJtrtg^tttr. 

Persons who make a mystery of every thing they 
hear, are uniformly either fools or knaves. The fools 
do so to acquire, as they suppose they do, a little con- 
sequence, from being possessed of a secret, (probably 
not worth keeping,) and the knaves are mysterious to 
effect some purpose of their own. 

&pf)«msm ,jfour Hutrtrrrtr atttr €%ivtfrdf(\utt% 

Mystery, however, is useful for the purpose of con- 
cealing ignorance. If you are consulted upon a point 
of which you are profoundly ignorant, you may often 
gain the reputation of being perfectly conversant in all 
its details, by a few mysterious looks, words, and gestures. 



147 

Stf&orfem if out Suirtrrrir antr Cjjtttg^ tftf). 
The greatest masters in the science of mystery, are 
lawyers and medical practitioners. 

apjjorumt tf our f^untrretr antr CJirt^SfxtJ. 

Some people will not eat in the forenoon, lest it 
spoil their appetite for dinner. This is absurd. If a 
man is really hungry, why keep himself in a state of 
torture — for such I hold hunger to be — for several 
hours that he may at last enjoy a guzzle, in the perfor- 
mance of which, ten to one he disorders his stomach by 
inordinate indulgence, the result of previous starva- 
tion ? 

&pf)orfem jfoux Hunlrrttr antr €1)ttt8-g>etentfj. 

The biscuit sold under the name of " Abernethy 
Biscuit," was neither invented nor recommended by 
the celebrated surgeon of that name. Its fabricator 
was a baker named Abernethy, who gave it his own 
name, and who seems to have been no mean adept in 
the art of humbug. 

&pljorfem ,df our f^untrretr antr Cfjttts^gW 

If you have a disobedient child, you may generally 
thank yourself for it. Obedience when insisted upon 
during childhood grows into a habit which is seldom 



148 

broken in after life. It must, however, be enforced in 
every instance, for if in one or two you permit the 
child to baffle you, no good is done. If it wont obey 
quietly, use the rod. " I once saw," says Johnson, " a 
mother chastise her child seven times before it would 
do what she ordered. If she had stopped at the sixth, 
her child would have been ruined." This was strictly 
true, and I will answer for it, that the child never 
disobeyed again. 

Sipfjorfem jfour l^tmtrretr antr Cljtrtg-jftitttf). 

If you wish to make yourself agreeable to any one, 
talk as much as you please about his or her affairs, and 
as little as possible of your own. 

&pfjorfem jfonv f^untrretr antr jf ort(etf). 

Never read your writings to other people. They 
will probably, from politeness, listen to you, but will, 
for all that, consider you a great bore. 

&pl)orumt jfouv f^urttrretr antr jfovt&jfiv&t 

People profoundly stupid, are entitled to sincere 
respect. A moderately stupid person is insufferable, 
but one who is so in a colossal degree becomes instantly 
an object of veneration. 



149 



gpijortsm if our p^untrretr stttr if ortg^econtr. 
Never argue upon any subject. If you do, let it be 
with a clever man whom you may perhaps convince, or 
with a fool whom you may puzzle. But not to argue 
at all is a good rule. You may conquer a man in this 
kind of " intellectual gladiatorship," but what does it 
signify, if you make him your enemy ? Depend upon 
it, no one likes to be out-argued. Whenever such an 
event takes place, the conquered party bears invariably 
a grudge against the victor. 

&pfjortsm if our f^utrtrrstr antr if ortg~&fnrtr. 

If a great arguer fastens upon you, the best w r ay to 
loosen his hold is to go in with all his assertions right 
or wrong — agree with him in every thing. This, if 
done in a politely sneering way, is an effectual cure. 
The more you stultify your own previous assertions 
the better. 

Eptjortsm if our ^untrrefc anfr jf ortg-if ourtfj. 

If you wish to annoy a little man, quiz him about 
his diminutive stature. He will affect to laugh at it 
himself, but will, for all that, hate you profoundly. 

&p?jori<mt if our i^untrretr antr if ort^if tftfj. 
Medical men are seldom equally good at all the 



150 

branches of their profession, Oculists and operative 
surgeons are seldom eminent as general practitioners, 
and the latter are, for the most part, indifferent opera- 
tors. 

&pfjorfem $ our f^untrretr atttr jportg^SixQ. 

Men of talent often appear common-place ; but it is 
only when they are in the company of stupid people — 
where they do not think it worth their while to exert 
themselves. In the society of those of similar intellect 
with themselves they are invariably interesting, and far 
beyond the common herd. Talent never can be dull 
or common-place where it has free space to develop 
its energies. 

gtySorfem $ our Hutt&retr atttr jf ortg*g>ebentf). 

Writing does not fatigue the eyes so much as read- 
ing. Try ten hours of each, and you will find the 
difference. 

&pf)orfem ,jf our f^untrretr atrtr jf ortg~3Etg!)tf). 

The study of law has a sad tendency to pervert the 
intellect and destroy the capability of distinguishing 
between right and wrong. A lawyer (unless, indeed, 
his mind be of a high order, and soars above the en- 
slaving technicalities of his profession,) can never try 



151 



a point upon its absolute merits, but must have recourse 
to some legal precedent. In fact, the tendency of his 
studies is to annihilate the sense of natural justice and 
propriety, and substitute an artificial system in their 
place. If I wanted an arbitrator to decide on a point 
where nothing but common sense was required, a 
lawyer is the very last person I would employ. I 
should prefer the first country bumpkin I met with. 

&pf)ott8ttt if our p^mrtrtrir antr if ortg^tntf). 

It is impossible to predicate from what an author 
has done, what he yet may do. When Byron published 
The Giaour, The Bride of Abydos, and Siege of 
Corinth, it was prophesied that he would yet shine as 
a tragic writer of the highest order. When Scott 
produced Ivanhoe, it was said by Jeffrey, I believe, 
that nothing but the attempt was necessary to enable 
him to bend the bow of Shakspeare. What has been 
the result ? Byron attempted the drama, and failed 
most consummately, as witness, The Doge of Venice, 
Sardanapalus and The Two Foscari. Scott's 
dramatic efforts were a great deal worse. Who does 
not regret to think that The House of Aspen, Auchin- 
drane and Halidon Hill are from the pen of the 
author of Waverley ? I remember of reading many 
years ago, in the pages of The Edinburgh Magazine, 



152 

that Campbell was engaged in an Epic, which was, n 
my memory serves me right, to rub shoulders with the 
iEneid. If this poem has ever been written, the 
author has shown wisdom in keeping it in his desk, 
for with all his fine genius he would have made nothing 
of it. I cannot agree with Scott in regretting that 
Dry den never wrote his King Arthur. Depend upon 
it, glorious John would have failed. 

&#j)orism df our f^uttfrrrtr atttr jfiftittf). 

Important to rats and mice ! White cats with 
green eyes are always deaf. This fact I give on the 
authority of the public prints, in which it was enunciated 
some years ago. 

Sppoyfew dfnnv p^utttrretr antr tfiii&tfixti. 

Those who are most addicted to satirize others, dis- 
like most to be made the objects of satire themselves. 

^pfjorfem jfour f^untrretr atttr ,jf tftg^Secottir. 

Henry Kirke White was a poor creature. The 
sickly sensibility of his mind rendered him interesting 
to the young ladies ; and he had a morbid tone of re- 
ligous feeling, which made him a favourite with pious 
people ; but as for genius, his share was small indeed. 
He never wrote a stanza which would have procured 



153 

insertion in any first-rate magazine, such as Blackwood, 
or JFraser, or the New Monthly. For the preposterous 
fame he has acquired, he is wholly indebted to the 
above circumstances, aided as those were by the able 
biography of Southey. 

StyDorfem jfotir ?§untrretr atttr if tftg4If)trtr. 

John Keats was a far more wonderful youth. In 
spite of his Cockneyisms, he had an exquisite and noble 
genius ; and though neglected at present, there can be 
no doubt that future ages will do ample justice to his 
memory. As a poet, Keats was not inferior even to 
Shelley, though his genius was of a totally different 
description. 

atpfjorfem ^our Huntrrrtr antr jfiftvrrfoutfy, 

It implies a want of feeling, amounting almost to 
baseness, to deride any one on account of bodily defects. 
Every generous man avoids even the slighest allusion 
to such misfortunes. 

&pf)oram ifour ^untrretr atrtr jf iftfrjf tftf). 

A complete Slang Dictionary is a desideratum. 
Captain Grose's was good, but the vocabulary of slang 
has been considerably enlarged since his day. The 
Slang Dictionary of Jon Bee, though the best modern 



154 

work, is yet sadly deficient in many particulars. Pearce 
Egan should endeavour to fill up this hiatus in English 
literature, by giving us anew and complete dictionary 
on the subject. 

&pf)ortsm jf out ^untrretr atrtr jpiftfi*£fct&. 

A little pepper is a great improvement to straw- 
berries and cream. Those who never tried it will doubt 
the fact, but " tasting is believing." 

gtyljomm jFour f^utrtrrrtr mttr jf tftg-gtfbetttf). 

A person who sees a good farce or comedy, and does 
not laugh at the same, is an ass. 

&pfjortsm $ our ^untrrelr antr ,jf tftg^Stgfjtl). 

A boy who is distinguished at school for intense 
stupidity, either turns out a veiy clever man or a con- 
firmed ass : there is no medium. Thomson the poet, 
Dean Swift, Sam. Johnson, Walter Scott, &c. when 
schoolboys, were reckoned the dullest of the dull, and 
had the reputation of being incorrigible blockheads. 

&pf)orism if our f^utrtrrrtr amir jf tffs=#ttttf). 

To break an appointment, without a strong and 
sufficient cause, is a breach of honesty. The con- 
scientiousness of a man who can do this is unquestion- 



155 

ably deficient, and he would cheat in more important 
matters, if he could do so with impunity. 

&pl)otfem if out f^untrretr antr gixtittf). 

I have remarked that severe and logical thinkers 
write in a close hand, as if to save paper. Flashy, 
superficial thinkers, sport a wide rambling fist, with 
abundance of long, unmeaning dashes. 

&P$omm ifour i^untrretr atttr StxtjfcdFfrfit 

Persons who declaim against prize-fighting, are 
sumphs. 

&pSomm jfout J&inflrt'dr atttr £txt^£ecotttr. 

Those who are cut off by consumption, are the most 
amiable of the human race. There is almost always 
much gentleness and resignation in the victims of this 
accursed disease. Rough, coarse minded, peevish 
people, it passes by, and fixes upon those who seem 
destined to beautify and elevate human nature by their 
many virtues. 

8p$orfem ifour ^utttrretr aittr StxtS^trtr. 

There are some people upon whom it is impossible 
to affix a nickname : there is a propriety or force of 
mind about them, which repels the soubriquet, and 



156 

makes it recoil with shame upon the contriver. There 
is an essential want about a man upon whom a nickname 
is easily fastened : he is either very weak, or has some 
very absurd point in his character. 

&pf)0rfem jf out f^untrretr atrtr SixtB^if outtf). 

If you see a man extremely and systematically grave, 
the chances are that he is a blockhead, who, conscious 
of his deficiencies, wishes to make his gravity pass for 
profound wisdom. None have less gravity than men 
of genius. They are not afraid to unbend and become 
playful and sportive, as is the case with the pompous 
and the stupid. 

gpfjotfem iFour f^untrretr attir gixtfrjfiftt). 

Ireland is renowned for the production of giants and 
dwarfs. The late O'Brien, a native of the Land of 
Potatoes, was the tallest man ever produced in this 
kingdom. His stature was eight feet eight inches. 

Stytjorism if our f^untrretr antr £{xt££&ixt$. 

Never, unless under very particular circumstances, 
either give or accept a letter of introduction. The 
bearer of such epistles is looked upon as a bore by those 
to whom they are addressed ; and the writer, instead of 
being thanked, is heartily detested for his pains. The 



157 



introducer and introducee are thus placed on nearly the 
same footing, and both very heartily wished at the devil. 

&p|)orfem ^our ^untrretr atrtr Stxtg^bentf). 

It is curious how extremes meet. A vulgar woman 
is much more likely than a real lady to be fascinated by 
a coxcomb. Women of the first stamp are generally 
fixed upon for wives by our puppyish, dandified men. 
She who is a lady in mind, as well as in manners, has 
a natural contempt for foppery, and prefers a man of 
plain unaffected demeanour. 

&pJjori*m tfnux f^untrretr antr Sixt^iSigfitj). 

Never praise or talk of your children to other people, 
for, depend upon it, no person except yourself cares a 
single farthing about them. 

&pl)orfem ,jf our f^untrretr antr Stxt^Hmtf). 

If a man carries off a prize at the university, it can- 
not thence be inferred that he is possessed of superior 
talent ; because the prize so gained may be for a very 
indifferent production: his opponents may have been 
blockheads, or, if clever men, what they have produced 
on the occasion may, from carelessness, or some other 
cause, be below mediocrity. In such a case, an inferior 
may carry off the palm from a superior mind. To 



158 

place the merits of the successful composition beyond 
a doubt, we should peruse it, and thus ascertain whether 
it be or be not a work of talent. Every body knows 
that the majority of Oxford prize poems are sad affairs; 
and yet, from the keen and numerous competition, one 
might, a priori, be apt to imagine that the successful 
candidates would, on a future day, attain a lofty station 
in Parnassus. How far this has hitherto been verified, 
let works bear witness. With the exception of Milman, 
Wilson, Heber, and some two or three others, who ever 
heard of an Oxonian prize poet ever cutting the least 
figure in the realms of the muse ? 

&3)ljo?fem if out f^untrretr atrtr &z\izxi\it\% 
The best of liqueurs is rum shrub. 

gtyfjimsm dfnuv p^tmtrreir atttr Seimtt^jf ttgt 

It is impossible for a man under five feet ten to 
succeed in the House of Commons. Curran, with all 
his eloquence and varied talents, was lost in consequence 
of his deficient longitude. Jeffrey, from the same 
cause, is a mere cipher in St. Stepen's. Ditto Wilber- 
force, who only obtained a hearing on account of his 
heading the saints. Ditto Shiel, Lord John Russel, 
Hobhouse, and many others. In short, an act should 
be passed disqualifying little men from sitting in Parlia- 



159 

ment. The eloquence of such representatives, however 
good in itself, is entirely thrown away upon the Grand 
Council of the Nation. 

&pf)orfem if our g^untrreSr atrtr Szzbtntyz&ztQriis. 

If you are challenged to fight a duel, and have reason 
to believe that a loaded pistol really will be discharged 
at you, it is a good plan to give a hint of your intention 
— not forgetting time and place — to some timid friend, 
who will take care to inform the authorities of the con- 
templated meeting, and thus frustrate the sanguinary 
designs of your opponent. 

apjorfem ifour f^untrretr ants Sebetttg-CJirtr. 

The hostile meeting being thus frustrated, it is a 
good plan to get into a terrible rage, and to swear 
roundly that it was your antagonist who gave the 
information. As he will be bound over to keep the 
peace, you are of course perfectly safe. 

^pfjorfem dfouv f^untrretr antr Setentg^ ourtf). 

Young people should not be brought up very strictly. 
There is a proper medium which ought always to be 
kept in view. Some parents will not allow their 
children to go to the theatres, or read novels, lest their 
minds be corrupted thereby, but this is altogether 



160 

erroneous. Neither novel reading or theatricals, unless 
indulged in to excess, will do harm, and may sometimes 
be useful in keeping the individual from worse pursuits. 
Boys so rigidly brought up are exceedingly apt to dash 
into wild excesses when the tension is relaxed, as it 
must be when they get beyond the state of pupilage. 
Inculcate every virtue in the minds of your children, 
but do not conceal from them that such a thing as vice 
exists ; nor keep them in ignorance of the world as it 
goes. The idlest of all attempts is that of keeping 
certain books out of the hands of children : the effort 
only stimulates their curiosity, and encourages decep- 
tion. When I was a boy, I got a copy of Joseph 
Andrews, which the master of the academy where 
I boarded took from me, saying it was a most improper 
book to read. What was the consequence ? I deter- 
mined from that moment to read the work, and, with 
the first pocket money, got it from a circulating library, 
and read it by stealth, and with infinitely more relish 
and care than if I had been placed under no interdict. 
The worthy man wished to preserve my morals, and I 
repaid his endeavours by cheating him on the first 
opportunity. 

&*>f)orujm A if our f^untrretr antr Sebetttg^tftf). 
It is most difficult to judge of the merits of any 



161 



composition which is spoken or recited. On this 
account, some speeches and essays, which, when listened 
to, seem most admirable, turn out to be downright 
trash when put into print and deliberately perused. 

Styljotfem ifour ^utttrretr atitr £ebent^£>txtf). 

In travelling, per coach, avoid the head or foot of 
the table when you stop for dinner. If you are fool 
enough to seat yourself at either of these extremities, 
you must make up your mind to get little for yourself 
— and that little not comfortably. 

&pf)orfem if our ^untrretr antr gebents^ebentf). 

To teach a person logic or mathematics for the pur- 
pose of making him a good reasoner, is the height of 
absurdity. The worst reasoners and most confused 
thinkers are those who have attempted to strengthen 
their argumentative faculties by such a preparation. 

apjotfem if our i^untrretr anfc £ebettt2=3£tgfjtf). 

Some ladies will not wash themselves with soap, lest 
it spoil their skin. This is absurd. Soap, by cleansing 
the surface of perspiration and other impurities, must 
be — as it certainly is — the best means of keeping the 
skin in a pure and wholesome state. 



H 2 



162 

&$f)orfem jf our f^untrretr antr Seijentg=#intt). 
Philosophers have never been able to decide whether 
a man suffers most disgrace by having his nose pulled 
or receiving a kick on the seat of honour. This point 
ought to be settled with all due speed, that people, in 
extreme cases of provocation, may know how to act. 

&pf)otism if our p&untrretr antr <£tgf)ttetf). 

Two servants who have much combativeness and 
self-esteem in their dispositions seldom agree together. 
A sharp colloquial fire, with a graceful touch of Bil- 
lingsgate, may, in such a case, be expected between 
the parties. One servant, however, of this tempera- 
ment, and one who is not, may not only live in the 
most perfect harmony, but come to like each other very 
much, the milder unconsciously giving way to, and 
acknowledging the supremacy of the stronger spirit. 

&p5ortsm $ our p^untrretr antr Xig|jt8*dF(r0t 

Young women who wish to get married, should set 
off without delay to Van Diemen's Land, where, at the 
present moment, there is a sad deficiency of the fair 
sex. 

&pfjorfem if our ?§untrretr antr iEtgfjtg'Sbecontr. 

If you see a book much puffed, the chances are that 
it is good for nothing. 



163 

&p5orfem tfmv l^untrtetr antr ^igfjtgsffi&tttr. 
Never lend your horse to any body, though he be 
your dearest friend. This, however, need not prevent 
you from borrowing his, if you can get it. 

&Pl)orfem if our f^untrrrtr antr 3£tgf)tg=jf ourtf). 

Some medical men will not make a charge for their 
attendance, but leave it to the patients themselves. 
The sooner this " what you please" system is abolished 
the better. It is disgaceful to see the members of a 
learned profession imitating the practice of cab drivers 
or porters. The whole affair is a direct tax on the 
generosity of their friends, and arises from sheer greed 
— as they expect more to be given than they have the 
face to ask. 

&p5orfem if our f^untrretr antr lEtgfjtg^if tftf). 

Should you send an article to a magazine, which is 
rejected, never on this account think the worse t)f the 
article ; but always impute its rejection to the stupidity 
and bad taste of the editor. This aphorism, however, 
is so universally acted up to, that it is hardly necessary 
to enforce it. 

&pfjomm if out f^untrretr antr 3£igJjtg=£>txt?). 
In travelling inside the coach in cold weather, sit 



164 

with your back to the horses if you can — which some 
cannot — without getting sick. This position is much 
warmer than the opposite. 

&pt)orfem if our f^utitrretr amtr 3£tg!jts^ebetttf). 

If you practise gymnastics, never try your hand at 
heavy lifts. Many a pretty man has been ruptured for 
life by such folly. 

&pf)orfem if our f^untrretr atrtr i£igfjtg45tg$t5. 

You may guess the prosperity of a Dutchman by 
the number of breeches he has on ; and of a New- 
haven fishwoman by the multiplicity of her petticoats. 

gtyfjorumt if our Huuirretr antr lBigfjt£?JlinU). 

I have already spoken of Ossiaris Poems and Wel- 
lington's stature as being mysteries, but a mystery still 
more impenetrable is the singular book entitled Baron 
Munchausen. No human being knows who wrote this 
strange production ; and no one can say whether it be 
a work of genius or arrant trash. Never did I meet 
with any person who could muster courage sufficient 
to give an opinion on its literary merits. As to the 
author of the book, he stands in the same darkness as 
Junius ; or rather he is more mysterious, for not even 
a surmise has been made upon the subject. 



165 

&pf)orumt jf our J^utttrretr arrtr &inttkt% 
A great deal of twaddle has been uttered about the 
cruelty of crimping fish, as if it made any difference 
to the animals whether they were bled to death or suf- 
focated for want of water. 

Styfjorumt jf out f^utttrretr amtr &Mt&jfmt 
Skinning eels alive, is, however, a most un-Christian 
custom, which should be abolished by act of Billings- 
gate. 

gtyfjortsm jfouv f^untrretr antr jUtnetg^econtr, 
Dress a Frenchman as you will, and it is almost 
impossible to give him the look of a gentleman. Even 
in his best toggery, the most highly bred Monsieur has 
more the air of a well-dressed barber or man-milliner 
than any thing else. 

Slpfjorfem if out f^untrrrtr antr jMnitjHCtlfcfc 
French women, on the other hand, even of the lower 
orders, have almost always the manners and — if well 
rigged out — the appearance of ladies. 

atf&ortem jf our f^untrretr antr ifcinetg^jf ourtf). 

The French, as a nation, are perfidious : as indivi- 
duals, they are generally very honest. In fact, the 
French canaille have far more honesty than our own. 



166 

&p5orfem if our ^utrtrtetr ants jfttntg-if tftf). 
The last aphorism suggests another, — viz.: That 
corporate bodies, in their collective capacity, are tyran- 
nical and exclusive, although perhaps every individual, 
taken separately, is quite the reverse. In like manner, 
mobs, considered in the aggregate, are brutal and cruel, 
when perhaps only a very small portion of the indivi- 
duals are so in reality. Vice seems to be infinitely 
more infectious than virtue. These facts I defy any 
person to account for: they are, as Coleridge says, 
" psycological curiosities." 

&pljorfem dfouv Huntrretr avto jfttnetg^txtfj. 

A Psycological Curiosity. This phrase of Cole- 
ridges has done a great deal of mischief. If any meta- 
physical proposition is started, and cannot instantly 
be unriddled, people, instead of, as in days of old, 
pommelling their brains to solve it, get out of the dif- 
ficulty at once by declaring, with imperturbable gravity, 
that it is a psycological curiosity. 

Sty!)otfem ifour f^utttrretr antr &inztv?&tbmt% 

If you meet with an only son who is not spoiled, 
either his parents or himself must be persons of the 
most sterling sense. The same remark applies to an 
only daughter. 



167 



&p*)omm jf our f^uttirrrtr antr |£met2siEigf)tf). 
If you owe a number of accounts and cannot con- 
veniently settle them all at the time, pay off the smaller 
ones first, as you are much less likely to get long 
credit for them than for large accounts. This saves a 
good deal of dunning, and may save your credit also. 

&pfjorfent jf our f^utttrrrtr antr |Mttet2=#mtf). 

The antipathies of some men are extremely praise- 
worthy. Mr. Theodore Hook's virtuous indignation 
against steel forks, and Mr. Cobbett's laudable antipathy 
to the Scotch, come under this head. 

When an author publishes a book, there are certain 
periodicals upon whose unqualified praise of his pro- 
duction he can calculate to a certainty, and others in 
which he is quite sure that it will be cut up and con- 
demned. The greater the sway of a bookseller over 
the reviewers, the better for the book. 

&pf)ori<mt ^tbe ^uttirrrtr attir jf tat 

If you wish a pig to go forwards, pull it backwards 
by the tail. For the same reason, when dealing with 
an obstinate person, persuade him to do just the reverse 
of what you want, and you will gain your end. 



168 

&ji!)Qt;fem if foe i^untrreir antr gwotttr. 
The present century commenced with 1801. This 
is worth mentioning, as most people have got an idea 
that it commenced with 1800, thus making the previous 
century end with 1799. We may as well say that 100 
terminates with 99. 

&p!jotfem jfitt f^untrreti antr ®&trir. 

The best method of cooking mutton is to boil it, 
and serve it up with caper sauce. 

&pSorfem if (be f^untrretr atrtr if outtf). 

Women almost always like their sons better than 
their daughters. We might, for the opposite reason, 
expect that men should prefer the latter to their sons, 
yet we do not find that it is so. The girls have thus 
the worst of it at both sides of the house. This is too 
bad. 

Styljorfattt if ibz ^utrtrrrtr antr if tftlj. 

A Hint to Cooks. Roasted chestnuts, grated or sliced, 
make an excellent addition to the stuffing for turkies 
or geese. 

&pljorfem if tbe J^untrrelr antr £ixtf). 
Another Hint. In boiling salmon, split the fish from 



169 

head to tail ; if you don't do this, but boil it entire, or 
cut horizontally through the middle, it is impossible to 
cook it thoroughly, the thickness of the back and 
shoulders being such, that if the outside be properly 
done, the inside must needs be little better than par- 
boiled. On the Tweed, and other salmon districts, the 
latter system is held in abomination. 

&*)!jorfem .dftbe f^utttrretr antr Sebetttt). 

Stupidity is of no advantage to a lawyer, but physi- 
cians are frequently the better of a more than average 
share of it. I do not mean that the patients of the 
latter are benefited thereby: I only speak of the 
advantages derived by the parties themselves. 

&p!)orfem $ tbe f^untrretr antr (Eigfjtl). 

It is dreadful to see the want of Christian charity 
which religious sects are constantly showing towards 
each other. Instead of living in mutual harmony, each 
seems to think and act as if it alone had the keys of 
salvation, and as if all others were doomed to eternal 
punishment. Where human minds are so differently 
constituted and trained, it is impossible they can all 
think alike. This fact should weigh with every sensi- 
ble being, and teach him to behave with tenderness and 
generosity to those who differ from him on matters of 



170 

religious belief. Meanwhile, God bears with all, while 
the poor earth-worms who disgrace His image, are 
quarrelling with, and punishing each other — all (as 
they madly suppose) for His glory, as if such acts 
would give pleasure to the great Ruler of nature, and 
Fountain of every thing that is good. 

^Jorfent if tbe f^uttirretr antr &int% 

Don't lend books. On this point be inexorable both 
to friends and foes. Borrowed books never get fair 
play. They are either lost, damaged, or kept. Not 
one person in fifty returns them to their owners in the 
state in which they were given out. For such reasons, 
be not too ready in showing your library to visitors, as 
they are sure to ask the loan of some of its contents, 
and you are thus put to the necessity of either refusing 
them point blank, or risking the works you may lend 
them. 

&pf)orism dftbe f^untrretr antr €tntf). 

People laugh at Catherine of Russia for prohibiting 
ladies from getting drunk at her levees, and gentlemen 
from striking ladies on the same occasions. This, 
however, is greatly outdone by that prig, Lord Ches- 
terfield, in one of his advices to his son. He tells him 
after blowing his nose in company, not to look at the 



171 



handkerchief* In the American Chesterfield, the 
Yankees are admonished not to spit upon the carpet. 
This, however, from what we know of the salivary 
propensities of Brother Jonathan, is a very necessary 
piece of advice. 

gtyfjorfero jFtbe f^unirretr avto SSIebentfj. 

It is a good plan for a man to marry out of a family 
where there are a number of daughters. In such a 
case, the ladies are much less likely to be spoiled, and 
consequently more likely to make good wives, than 
where there is only one or two. 

a$$orfem Jf tbe ^untrretr ants Ctoelftfj. 

It is customary for some people to deride iEsop's 
fables as childish. Let these wiseacres try and produce 
some as good. The difficulty of fable-writing is proved 
by the few who have tried it, and the still fewer who 
have succeeded. 

&pl)otfem if tbe f^untrretr antr €f>ivUtntf). 

Some self-conceited people will not read books, 
affecting to rely upon their good sense and observa- 
tion, which they allege are superior to any thing to 
be got by reading. I am sorry to say that Hobbes of 
Malmesbury has also sported a somewhat similar 



172 

theory. He advises us to read few books, lest we 
become as foolish as their authors. All such doctrines, 
however, are founded upon a fallacy. What are good 
books — which, of course, only should be perused— but 
the receptacles of the wisdom and bright thoughts of 
highly gifted men ? To say, therefore, that such should 
not be read, is to tell us we should shut our ears 
against what the wise and the talented have uttered ; 
and consequently to narrow the circle of our minds to 
the few stray ideas which we can pick up by our own 
solitary observation. All that one mind can so accu- 
mulate is comparatively little ; and he who would trust 
to that alone, and throw aside other means of acquiring 
knowledge, places himself at a disadvantage in reference 
to others who act differently, which he cannot but feel 
in whatever situation he is placed. 

&y5orfem jftbe f^untrreir atttr if outteetttf). 

In writing for the press, do so in a clear, legible 
hand, and only on one side of the paper. 

apfjorfem iftbe f^untrretr atrtr $ii\ztxi\% 

A connoisseur in wine is a great bore. How learnedly 
the blockhead discusses the merits of Port, Hock, 
Vino Tinto, Barsac, Lachryma Christi, &c! How 
sagaciously he applies his carbuncled bottle-nose to the 



173 



liquor ! with what awful importance he tastes it, smacks 
his lugubrious lips, and pronounces oracularly upon its 
merits ! These fellows must be extinguished, as insuf- 
ferable nuisances. 

apfjorumt jf ibe f^untiretr antr gixttzntf). 

Scotchmen have contrived to get into very bad odour 
throughout the West Indies ; but are allowed to have 
been the best slave-drivers in these islands. 

apfjotfam jfibz ?§untrrtfr antr £ebentontf). 

There are some works which can only be appreciated 
by poetical minds. Of these, the Arabian Nights, 
The Isle of Palms, and Christabel, are instances. 
Dull, common-place people can see no merit in such 
productions of genius. 

&pf)ortsw jfibe f^untrretr antr IHtgfiteetttf). 

There is perhaps not an instance of a man of genius 
having had a dull woman for his mother, though many 
have had fathers stupid enough, in all conscience. 
Talent, therefore, is much more communicable to the 
offspring from the maternal side than from the other. 
If a man wishes to have clever children, this may 
perhaps serve him as an apology for marrying a woman 
of talent, should all other excuses be wanting. 



174 



gtytjotigm jfibt f^untrretr atrtr ObintUtnty. 
Important to Rat Catchers ! The best way to catch 
rats, is to put any animal substance well perfumed 
with oil of rhodium into a trap. This induces them 
to enter readily, and even draws them from a con- 
siderable distance, as they are extremely partial to 
this oil. 

&pl)0rtsm jfiU f^tmtrretr ants &toettttetf). 

A Physiological Aphorism. The first born of per- 
sons who marry very young, are generally far inferior 
in intellect to those that come after, when the intellects 
of the parents are in greater vigour and maturity. 

&p?)oru$m jf tbe i^untrreXr antr Ctoentg^jf trst. 

If an animal possesses a number of useless or bad 
qualities, it is sure to be a favourite with some people, 
to whom its very inutility seems a recommendation. 
The good-for-nothing lap-dog, the monkey, and the 
babbling parrot are illustrations of the truth of this 
remark. 

&pt)orfettt jfiu ^utttrtetr antr €totntfr&mtto. 

Talking of parrots, these creatures, as well as mice, 
can live without drink. Fluids are not essential to 



175 



their existence, although both animals take water 
readily when it comes in their way. 
N. B. Parsley kills parrots. 

&pf)orism JfiU f^untrretr atttr Ctoentg^trlr. 

A quick tempered man should never marry a woman, 
however otherwise estimable, whose temper is analogous 
to his own. When two fires meet, there is the deuce 
to pay. 

&2Sorism jfibt ^untrretr arits Ctoentg*dF ourtf). 

Many persons have a singular incapacity for acquiring 
a knowledge of the world. This even happens when 
they possess excellent talents and knowledge, and 
have had every opportunity of seeing life. A man 
must be born with the faculty of knowing human 
nature ; and when this is the case, he knows it well, 
though his experience is limited. Many men have 
seen as much of the world as Shakespare, Tacitus, 
Fielding or Moliere, yet how few have possessed their 
deep insight into the workings of the mind ? 

Styfjorfem jfibz f^untiretr ants Cfoentg^if tftf). 

The most useless of studies is metaphysics — next to 
that, logic. I might, perhaps, except political economy 
which is equally bootless, and capable of producing a 
thousand times more mischief. 



176 



&pf)otumt iftbe i^untrretr antr €totntfc&ixt% 
Valour and strength are much more prized in the 
country, than in towns. In the latter a man may be a 
sneak in mind, and a snip in bodily vigour, without 
being thought the less of — not so in the former, where 
he who can lick his comrades and has good pluck, is 
sure to be an immense favourite with the girls, and to 
be highly respected by his own sex. 

apfjomm $ (be f^untrretr atrtr Ctoentg^betttt). 
The goodness of a composition is in some degree 
affected by the state of the pen with which it is written. 
Cceteris paribus, we compose better with a good than 
a bad pen : the latter has a tendency to confuse our 
ideas by annoying us and putting us out of temper. 
According to the Laird of Macnab it is impossible to 
write correct orthography with a bad pen. 

apfjoriam jf ibe f^untrwtr atttr Ctoottg^igfitf). 

Children should be dressed like children. This is 
worth remarking at the present time, when so many of 
them of both sexes are seen strutting about habited 
like men and women. Boys of six in surtouts and 
high crowned hats, and girls of the same age with long 
shawls and muffs, are too much of a joke. 

P. S. Talking of boys, these young gentlemen should 



177 



sport petticoats for a year or two longer. They are 
too soon breeched. Things were managed differently 
in former times, but this, to be sure, is the age of 
intellect. 

&pf)otfem if ibe Sutttrretr atttr Ctoent»*JMttt!J. 
Keen politicians are asses. 

&pf)ortsttt if (be p^uttfcretr atttr ftfjttttetf). 

Never read to others the letters which you receive 
from your friends. Nobody cares a rushlight about 
the correspondence of his neighbour: and what may 
appear to you a matter of vast importance, will seem 
to him, in all likelihood, the merest balderdash. 

apHorfom if tbe p^utttrretr atttr &f)trtg'if tart. 

The conduct of Columbus, during his voyage to 
America, when his men mutinied and were on the 
point of throwing him overboard, affords perhaps the 
noblest instance on record of the moral sublime. 

&pD<msm if iU f^utttrretr atttr C^irts^econtr. 

If you are asked to dine with a company where a 
great traveller is to be present, decline the invitation. 
These fellows are notorious bores. They consider 
themselves as lions who are entitled to monopolize all 

i 



178 

the conversation ; and invariably retard the free course 
of the wine round the table. 

gtyfjorism jf (be f^utrtrrrtr atttr Cftirtg'CJtrtr. 

I have elsewhere mentioned that Switzerland, the 
most romantic country in Europe, has never produced 
a poet. In like manner, Scotland, which ranks as one 
of the most religious nations, has been sadly deficient 
in the production of eminent divines. Indeed, she 
has never given birth to a divine of the first order. 
This is a curious fact, seeing how strongly the national 
mind has been directed upon theology. 

&pf)orfem if tbe f^untrretr antr CJtrtg^ifourtf). 

A peculiar genius is required for hoaxing. One of 
the best specimens of this art is the story of the 
American steam boat, which discharged boiling water, 
and set innumerable pikes and cutlasses in motion 
against those who should attempt to board her. It was 
concocted by an ingenious friend of mine, and took ad- 
mirably. He drew up the account, gave it into the 
hands of a shipmaster, who was bound for the States, 
and desired him to hand it in at the first newspaper he 
passed by. He did so in Boston, or Baltimore — I 
forget which ; the paragraph was printed as authentic, 
copied into all the papers of the Union, and from them 



179 



inserted into every newspaper in Great Britain, Ire- 
land, and the Colonies. Some of them even got 
alarmed at the formidable American steam ship, and 
very seriously suggested to the British Government, 
that a vessel of similar construction should be got ready 
to fight the Yankees with their own weapons, in the 
event of another war. 

®$f\ovimx dfibt i^utitrretr antr €f>ivt&jfitt% 

The burlesque and the mock heroic, which are gen- 
erally supposed to be synonymous, are directly the re- 
verse of each other. The former makes great things 
little, the latter little things great. Bombastes Furioso 
in which kings, generals, and ministers of state are re- 
presented squabbling, fighting, and killing each other 
about a kitchen wench, is a good illustration of the 
burlesque. The ridiculous self sufficiency and laugh- 
able dignity of the Laird of Cockpen, partake essen- 
tially of the mock heroic. Every body knows the 
Rape of the Lock, where sylphs, gnomes, and such 
" small deer " are made to perform the most import- 
ant functions — nor must that truly admirable poem 
Anster Fair be omitted, where Tommy Puck exer- 
cises such an influence over great personages, not for- 
getting Rob the Ranter, and Bonnie Maggie Lauder. 
The ancients also dealt in the mock heroic, as witness 



180 

the Battle of the Cranes and Pigmies, and other pieces. 
When a man boasts of having performed any feat 
notoriously beyond his power of execution, he instantly 
ascends into the regions of the mock heroic. 

^pfjorfem jfiU ^untrretr antr €§irtfc&ixt% 

A Hint to Actors. The burlesque should always 
be performed by tall, and the mock heroic by little 



&ptjori$w if toe p^utrtrretr antr €fjtrtg'g>etettt!j. 

If you are anxious to be in good terms with a man, 
never beat him in argument. Such a victory is abso- 
lutely never forgiven. By allowing him to conquer 
you in this species of " intellectual gladiatorship," you 
make him your friend, and may calculate upon being 
frequently asked to dine with him. 

&pf)orfem jftbe f^untrrrtr anti &fjtrt2~<Et0fjtfj. 

Never visit a hell. If you do, be careful to take 
no money with you, otherwise the chances are that 
you risk it all on the game, and, in all probability, get 
fleeced for your folly. The fascination of gambling is 
most unaccountable, and exceeds that of the basilisk. 
The sight of the thing tempts lookers on to try their 
luck; and, when once they fairly begin, and more 



181 



especially if the chance goes against them, they abso- 
lutely lose all idea of the value of money. An accursed 
demon is constantly whispering in their ears, "play, 
play, play;" and, urged by the infernal advice, they risk 
every thing — their cash houses, pictures, lands. Were 
their souls gameable, or of any use to the other party, 
there cannot be a doubt that they would gamble them 
away in this traffic of ruination and madness. Mort- 
gaged estates, pennyless rakes, bankrupt landlords — 
what brings nine-tenths of them into these conditions 
but gambling, whether it be in the shape of faro, rouge 
et noir, horse-racing, or other infinite modifications of 
this destructive propensity ? Many a man has entered 
the gaming-house endowed with all manner of wealth 
and happiness, and left it, fleeced by an hours insanity, 
to drink the poisoned cup, or apply the loaded pistol 
to his distracted head, or, if he shuns these alternatives, 
to live a life of poverty and contempt, with perhaps a 
ruined family to deplore the infatuation of their 
wretched parent. Such is gambling. 

&P$omm -jf (be f^untrtetr antr Cfurtg^tntf)* 

The best opera in existence is that of Punch and 
Judy, The man who can behold the ludicrous absur- 
dities of this extravaganza without laughing heartily, 
may claim sincere respect on the score of stupidity. 



182 

^ptjotfem jf ibe p^unirteir antr jf ortfetf). 
Some weak people affect an illegible mode of writ- 
ing. Hearing that a few of our eminent men have bad, 
and not easily read, fists, they imagine that by sporting 
a like kind, they also may pass for sages. This is 
something like the ass in the lions skin. 

&pf)ottsm tfiU f^untr^tr antr if ortg-if tat 

Young girls, from fourteen to seventeen, are fond of 
aping the woman in their dress, and are partial to long 
shawls, which give the young things a matronly 
appearance. When they become women in reality, 
they are rather too apt to go upon the opposite tack, 
and to assume the dress, and airs of the girl. 

&3pi)orfem $ ibt f^untrretr antr ,jf ottg^econtr. 

Almost all men, at one period or other, attempt 
poetry. This usually happens when they stand on the 
boundary line which divides youth from manhood, 
and is inspired by that theme of themes, love — a species 
of madness into which people choose to fall, at least 
once in their lives. 

&pt)ortsm ,Jf tbe l^uttXrtetr antr jfortg-Cfjirir. 

The greatest humbugs of modern times, are the 
political economists. 



183 

&pf)ortsm tfibt Pttmtrretr antr .jfottg^ffourtf). 
Editors of magazines should be anonymous. There 
is a mystery about anonymity worth all the reputation 
which the most renowned author in the world can 
bring in support of the periodical over which it is 
announced he is to reign. Every article in a maga- 
zine ought also to be anonymous, and without even the 
nom de guerre of the author. Mr. Bulwer has an 
article in a late number of the New Monthly, incul- 
cating doctrines the reverse of these, but he is clearly 
in the wrong. 

Eptjottam ^{be ?^untrretr antr jfavtfrjfiftfi. 

The greater part of Havannah cigars (so called ) 
are manufactured in Great Britain : another specimen 
of humbug. 

&pf)otfem if tbe f^utttrretr attfc dfovfeghtl). 

If a man borrows money from you, and, on being 
dunned for the same, protests to have forgotten it, you 
may, with considerable safety, set him down for a liar. 
Obliviscence in pecuniary matters is all fudge. A man 
no more forgets what he borrows, than what he lends. 

&pt)orfem iPtbe ^utttrretr ants jf ort^^tbtntfj. 
Don't many a woman who is a notable. This is 



184 

even worse than a blue-stocking-. Notables, in addition 
to their other annoying qualities, are notorious gossips. 
They are eternally on the qui vive, and keep the house 
in an uproar about nothing. One of the best notables 
to be met with, is Lady Maclachlan, in the novel of 
Marriage, " What will Lady Maclachlan say ?" 

&pfjorfem jf tfes Htmfcrrtr antr ^ ortg~<£tg?>tf>. 

When cigars are green and mouldy on the surface, 
it is considered a proof of the superiority of the stuff 
of which they are made. Taking advantage of this 
erroneous notion, some tobacconists contrive to give 
them such an appearance of mould by means of a 
little acid. " The supposed superiority of speckled 
cigars is all fiddle-de-dee." So saith the sagacious 
author of Twelve Golden Rules for Cigar Smokers, 
The sounder the jacket of the cigar, the better. 

If you are the son of a tobacconist, dont join the 
" Tenth," or you will be sneezed out of the regiment. 
This sternutatory process was, it is said, successfully 
put in practice against young L* # *y* # *t. 

^pfjortem ^tbe f^untirrtr antr ,jf tfttrtfj. 
The best gamekeeper is an old poacher. 



185 

&pTjorism if tbe J^untrretr aittr if tftg=if trst. 

If a woman writes in a bold, manly hand, depend 

upon it, she has got a masculine mind. There is a 

much greater analogy between the hand-writing, and 

the character of individuals, than people are aware of. 

apjorfent if tbe f^untrretr antr if tftg^econtr. 

If there is a delicate, deformed, or weak-minded 
child in a family, it is generally the favourite with its 
parents. This is a beautiful illustration of nature 
taking the part of the most helpless. 

&pf)orfem if tbe f^untrretr atttr if tftg-ffifu'rtr. 

Sometimes very bad books have good titles, but a 
really good book has never an absolutely bad or affec- 
ted denomination. It is impossible to conceive a work 
of the latter description, bearing such a name as The 
Sighs of Sensibility, The Susceptible Spirit, or any 
thing of that mawkish and twaddling sort. 

apjorfem if tbe Pjuntrtetr antr if tftfi-if outtfj. 

Do not imagine we are indebted to tailors for all 
the various inventions in the matter of dress. That 
odd piece of toggery called a spencer, was invented by 
the Earl of the same name, who undertook for a wager 
to appear in public with the skirts of his coat cut away. 
I 2 



186 

Being a leader of the haut ton, this piece of sartorial 
deformity, became straightway fashionable. 

^tyljorfem jftbe p^untiretr antr tf tftg^jf tfti). 

In some districts of England, when a servant is hired 
it is customary to ask him whether he chews or bolts 
his bacon. If he be a bolter, he receives higher wages, 
it being considered that the chewer is the more vora- 
cious animal of the two. This may be a lie, but the 
story is current in many places, and I never heard it 
contradicted. 

P. S. It is curious that the term bolt, as applied to 
swallowing, does not occur in Johnson's dictionary. 

&p!jotfem tfiU f^utrtrrrtr antr dfiftfr&ixtf). 

Diogenes, the cynic, was either a madman or a self- 
sufficient blockhead. His living in a tub, if it did not 
proceed from lunacy, had its origin in a vain desire of 
appearing singular in the eyes of the world. Most 
eccentricities have their origin in this feeling. 

Stytjorfem Jfibt J^untrteti antr if tft^Sebettt % 

The most obsequious creature on the face of the 
earth is a candidate for a seat in Parliament. The 
contrast between these gentlemen before and after their 
election, is extremely edifying and amusing. 



187 

apDorfem if tbe ^tmtrretr antr ,df tft2=i£tgf)tj). 
Nine-tenths of the bears grease sold in the perfumer's 
shop is neither more nor less than hog's lard ; nor is 
the imposition of much consequence, as the one is just 
as good as the other. 

apljorfem $ (be f^untrteir atttr jf tftg:#intfj. 

An accomplished woman, in common parlance, means 
one who sings and dances well, knows a little French, 
a little Italian, a little drawing, a little embroidery, and 
not much of any thing, excepting fashionable novels, in 
which she is a great adept. 

&2t)orfem df&t f^untrretr anir Sixtieth 

A person's character may be often judged by the 
shake of his hand. Those who give their hand 
loosely, and without making any pressure, are generally 
cold, insipid, phlegmatic, characters. 

&p!)orfem iftbe f^utttrretr attir fbhifcdffxfh 

In these perilous times, when you submit your chin 
to a barber, never talk about politics till you ascertain 
his principles on these matters. It is dangerous to put 
one's throat in the mercy of a man armed with a razor, 
especially if he be a red-hot politician, which all 
shavers are, without exception. 



a 



&pf)ortsm $ tbe J^utttrtxtr atrtr gixt&g:ziortti. 
Better grapes are grown in the hot-houses of Great 
Britain than in any part of the Continent. 

&pfjotfem jfibz l^untrretr antr £ixt2H(pt)irfe. 

The closest approach made in this life to immortality 
is by annuitants. They are certainly the longest lived 
of the human race. Swift's Strulbrugs must have been 
annuitants. 

&pf)orfem if tbe Huntrretr atrtr Sixtg^jfourtti. 

It is absurd to erect commemorative monuments. 
True greatness perpetuates itself, and requires no such 
accessories. Such men as Shakspeare, Bacon, and 
Newton, live in their works, which are more enduring 
than a thousand pillars of brass. Those who have not 
merit enough to ensure perpetuity, should be quietly 
forgotten. The attempt to make their names live by 
means of monuments, is an idle struggle against fate, 
as well as common sense. 

&pf)omm $i\st p^untrretr antr &txtg=-if tftfj. 

A Curious Fact. High-couraged dogs have always 
much width between their ears. This is strictly phreno- 
logical, and was known to canine fanciers many gen- 
erations before Gall existed. 



189 

Stytjorfem if tbe f^untrtetr antr £txtg*&uct$. 
Robert Montgomery's Omnipresence of the Deity 
has supplanted Paradise Lost in various academies in 
England. The cause is obvious. Montgomery's non- 
sense is adapted to the nonsense of the academies. 
This is a splendid illustration of the march of intellect, 

■ylertom Jf ibe f^untrretr atrtr Stxtg^ebentfj. 

The less a man knows about household matters the 
better. These he should leave to his wife, if he has 
one, or to his housekeeper, if he has not ; yet some 
men are cognizant of every trifle which passes in the 
family. They know how much soap is giyen out to 
the domestics, how many candles are burned weekly in 
the kitchen, and other things equally unworthy of 
notice by a manly character. Such " hussey-fellows," 
as they call them in Scotland, should have the dishclout 
pinned to their coat tails, to teach them better manners. 

&pJjorfem ^fibe f^untrretr antr &txts4£tgfitf)* 

Of all the papers in this kingdom, the two which 
expose humbug most ably and unceasingly are John 
Bull and The Age. Of their imputed scurrility, and 
other peccadilloes, I say nothing. The satirical poetry 
of both is admirable, and often quite worthy of Dean 
Swift. 



190 

&pl)otfem jf tbe ^unirretr antr S>txtg'jjint5. 
Of all writers, he who has fallen from boundless 
popularity into the most perfect neglect, is Peter Pindar. 
His sins against decency, and his attacks on private 
character, were certainly unpardonable, but he had such 
good stuff in him, and some of his pieces are so capital 
in their way, that his eclipse becomes a subject of 
curious speculation. 

&pf)orfem if tbe f^utttrreir atrtr gebenttetfj. 

The best tooth-pick is one made of a soft quill. 
Metallic ones are injurious to the teeth, and should be 
eschewed by all who value their masticatory organs. 

&p$orfem if tbe ^tmtrretr antr Sebetttg^if trst 

Pea-soup should always be seasoned with celery. 
This is worth mentioning, as the circumstance is often 
overlooked by ignorant or careless cooks. 

8pfjorfettt if tbe ^utrtrretr antr Sbebentg^eccitrtr. 

A foolish prejudice prevails among many people 
against the skate. If this fish is hung up and dried 
for a day or two, then cut in slices, done on the 
gridiron, and eaten with butter, it is most delicious. 

N.B. The female skate is more delicate than the 
male. 



191 



&p$otfew ,jf tbe f^untrretr antr £ebent2=€1)trtr. 
The " Tenth" proved themselves especial coxcombs 
— not to say asses — when they sent Cornet Battier to 
Coventry for calling for porter after dinner. This 
crusade in high circles against malt liquor is absurd, 
and ought to be blown up. 

&pl)orfem jf tbe f^untrretr antr Sebentg-if outtfl. 

It is customary to talk of the School for Scandal 
being the finest comedy in the English language. This 
is ridiculous in the face of such works as Farquhar's 
comedies, and She Stoops to Conquer. Talking of 
comedy, it is singular that neither Smollett nor Fielding, 
though gifted with the richest humour and deepest 
insight into the odd peculiarities of character, had much 
talent for this species of composition. This, I suppose, 
we must call a psychological curiosity. 

&pSorfem if tbe f^untrretr antr gbebentg=jf tftf). 

Ask a hundred people, saints or sinners, what rela- 
tion Mordecai the Jew was to Queen Esther, and 
ninety-nine of them will answer, her uncle. 

&pf}otfem jf tbe ^untrretr antr gebentg-£txtf). 

We often hear broad-chested men talked of as being 
peculiarly powerful, but a round chest indicates greater 



192 

strength than a broad one, and is, besides, less subject 
to disease ; this, indeed, is a natural consequence of 
superior vigour. Cceteris paribus, the rounder a man's 
body is, the greater is the strength he possesses. This 
fact is well known to the fancy. A man with a round, 
deep chest, promises to make the best boxer. 

Mortem jfibz ^uitfotefr atrtr ^ebentg'Sebentl). 

The most inveterate enemies are satirists and rival 
wits. Voltaire and Piron detested each other, — Quin 
hated Foote, and all the small wits of the age kept up 
a sort of pigmy warfare against Dryden and Pope. 

&pf)orism jfibz p^unforefc atrtr £ebent^l£tgf)tf). 

National reflections are the vulgarest that can possibly 
be indulged in, and can only proceed from a mind 
essentially ignorant or ignoble. A man may disgrace 
his country, but his country never can disgrace him. 

&pfjorisnt jfibt f^utrtrretr anfr Sebentg-jlittttl). 

Of all animals, the goose has the strongest sense of 
honour. If one of a flock commits an oifence against 
the community, she is immediately black-balled, and 
none of the sisterhood (or brotherhood) will associate 
with the offender. When last in Caithness, I saw an 
unlucky goose which was thus sent to Coventry by her 



193 

fellows. She was compelled to keep several yards in 
the rear of the others, and if she attempted to mingle 
with them, was instantly attacked. What dire offence 
she had been guilty of I could not learn. 

&pT)orisitt iFtbe f^untrretr atttr <Etgt)ttetfj. 

If you see a book much abused in the Whig journals, 
you may calculate upon seeing it praised in the Tory, 
and vice versa. 

&pf)orfem jf tbe ^untrretr atttr 1£iqf\tQ-jfirzt 

I have a high respect for Mr. Waterton, the traveller. 
His gambols on the back of the cayman, and the satis- 
factory manner in which he disposed of the boa con- 
strictor, are truly edifying in these prosaic times. For 
cause of said respect, see &pJjorfem JPortg-£txtf). 

&pf)otfew tf ibz ^untrretr antr ISujljtgsj^contr. 

A clever servant is almost invariably quick-tem- 
pered. The reason is obvious : superior talent is 
always accompanied by pride, which must meet with 
many petty annoyances in the menial state. 

&p5ortsm tf&z p^uiuiretr atttr <£tgt)tgs&f)ttir. 

If you breakfast at an inn, and are asked whether 
vou will have tea or coffee, choose the former. Tea 



194 

you can generally calculate on getting good, which is 
seldom the case as respects coffee. Independent of this, 
tea can be prepared much more rapidly; which is often 
a matter of no small consequence. 

apjorfcm jfibt pjuntrrrtr antr SStgfjt^jf ourtf). 

Perhaps the most horrible bore on the face of the earth 
is a hypochondriac. The annoyance which these unhappy 
mortals inflict upon their friends is incalculable, and 
only to be surpassed by that which their imaginary list 
of diseases inflicts upon themselves. 

®p!Jorfem jfibz f^tmtrretr antr aStgJtiKjf tttj. 

When you hear a bachelor eloquently indignant 
against married men who allow themselves to be hen- 
pecked, depend upon it he will get into precisely the 
same state, provided he ever ventures on matrimony. 

&pf)orism jfibz Pjuntrretr antr 3£ig!)ts-gnxtfj. 

The greatest tyrants are those who have themselves 
at one time been bondsmen. The mulattoes in the 
West Indies who possess slaves are the most cruel 
masters, and the emancipated negro is the severest 
slave-driver. In our own country, workmen are con- 
tinually complaining of the tyranny of their masters, 
and yet submit to a despotism infinitely more grinding 



195 



— that of each other, Committees of their own num- 
ber rule the whole body. Every one must submit to 
their decrees under pain of not only being sent to 
Coventry, but mutilated, or even murdered, if they dare 
to act independently. In this enlightened nation, it is 
customary for workmen to be waylaid and beaten with 
bludgeons, to have oil of vitriol thrown upon them, or 
their ears cut off, if they dare to work to a certain 
master, or at a certain rate of wages. So much for 
British liberty. So much for the tyranny of the mob. 

Styfjorfem jfibe g^tmtrretr atttr lEtgfJts^ebent!). 

The most useless of all clubs are the Ballantyne and 
Maitland. They have never published a book worth a 
single farthing. The ambition of sensible men, and 
men of learning, to become members of these bodies is 
perfectly unaccountable. I will defy any human being 
to give a rational explanation of this strange mania : 
but all black-letter pursuits seem to smack of the same 
absurdity. 

&*>f)orfem jfibt ^unfotetr atrtr iStgJjtgsiStgljttj. 

The worst Greek scholars in Europe are the Scotch. 
There is not, at this moment, even a second-rate Grecian 
in the Land of Cakes. Its present Greek potentates 
are no exceptions to the rule, being merely " one-eyed 
monarchs among the blind," 



196 



^ptjorfem jf tbe f^utrtrretr atrtr ISigijtg'Jitntfj. 
Yet Scotland has produced the two most consummate 
and elegant Latinists of modern times, — viz. Buchanan 
and Melville. 

&pf)orfem £ (be f^unirretr antr jMnetiettJ. 

If you meet with a man who affects to sneer at 
illustrious ancestry and connections, you may be sure 
that in his own pedigree he has nothing to boast of. 
People who are highly connected, are invariably proud 
of the same, however much their good sense may pre- 
vent them from talking upon the subject. 

®$fjovim if tbe Hutrtrrefr antr &intt&dfmt 

The admirable Crichton was, after all, I suspect, a 
humbug. His fencing, and other gymnastic excellen- 
cies, together with his knowledge of languages, his 
eloquence, acting, and musical genius, I am not disposed 
to question ; but the fact of his foiling whole conclaves 
of erudite doctors and professors on all points of human 
learning, is too much of a joke. I have no doubt that 
the secret of his success consisted in bamboozling the 
old fellows with interminable disquisitions on metaphy- 
sics and other scholastic subtilties. He possessed, in 
great perfection, the art of mystifying ; which faculty, 
favoured by the vague, undefined, foolish topics upon 



197 

which the parties disputed, enabled him to gammon 
his antagonists, throw dust into their bewildered eyes, 
and thus gain an apparent victory over the whole 
University of Paris. 

ap$ortam Jftbe p^untrreir atrtr Jiittetg-Jrercmtr. 
Rather put up with a considerable loss than go to law. 

&p!jori«mt jftbe f^untrretr antr i^tnetg^Tfjtrtr. 

A girl who shows an alacrity to run off with you 
(her parents being strongly opposed to the match) is 
not likely to make a good wife. The same want of 
respect to them, which is exhibited in such alacrity, will 
most probably be extended to yourself after marriage. 
If you run away with a girl, let it be with one who only 
submits to such a step after a severe and distressing 
struggle between affection and duty. One who has no 
such struggle, but agrees at once to violate the duty 
she owes to her parents, will not, in all likelihood, prove 
very dutiful to her husband. 

&pf)orfem ,jf tbe p^utttrretr atttr $Mntt$zjf ourtfj. 

A story-teller, or dealer in anecdote, is an abomina- 
tion that ought to be expelled from all well-regulated 
societies. A man of an original and truly powerful 
mind never deals in anecdotes, unless it be for the pur- 



198 

pose of illustrating some general principle. Weak- 
minded people are all addicted to the vice. If a per- 
son of this description begins to annoy a company with 
his or her twaddle, a good cure for it, is to affect deaf- 
ness — a very convenient infirmity at times. Another 
is-— as soon as he begins to tell a story, pretend that 
you have already heard, and are familiar with all its 
particulars. A dose or two of this is a sickener. 

ajforfem if (be p^utrtrretr atttr jfttttetg-if tft$. 

When you go to a public ball, or large public 
assembly of any kind, take an old hat with you. If, on 
coming away, the said hat cannot easily be found, from 
being confused among a multitude of others, be sure to 
supply yourself with the best of the lot you can find. 
Nothing like honesty. 

®$\oxim iftbe f^untrretr antr &intt&S:ixtf). 

On such occasions, should you be desirous of having 
refreshments, apply early, for the tables are invariably 
soon cleared of their viands — leaving for after-comers 
nothing but empty boards. 

&pf)«msm ,jf tbe ^untrretr antr Jlmets^ebetttf). 

Pythagoras was undoubtedly a ventriloquist. We 
read of his addressing the river Nessus, which, we are 



199 

told, replied in a soft voice like that of a woman, 
which is exactly the ventriloquial voice when repre- 
sented as coming from a great distance. 

&p5orism jf tbe f^untrretr antr J£utet^<£igtJtfi. 

If you hear a man boasting how much he can drink, 
depend upon it, he is an habitually sober person. A 
real drunkard never brags of these things : he is so 
much accustomed to the performance of great exploits, 
that he does not think it worth his while to relate them. 
This is a proof of true magnanimity. A glutton, also, 
.shows not a little of this greatness of mind, and never 
boasts of his performances, but eats his way in silent 
consciousness of his power; while lesser gastronomic 
stars are incessantly gasconading about feats, which he 
is in the daily habit of doubling, and which he views 
with the most perfect contempt. True greatness is 
invariably modest. No man thought less of his talents 
than Dando, of whom I have more than once had oc- 
casion to speak. 

&pf)0rtem jfibz f^utttrretr antr jjitttetg-jitntf). 

On going a long journey, wear shoes rather thick in 
the sole. They save the feet, and prevent them from 
getting blistered, much better than thin shoes. 



200 

Some parents have a great aversion to their children 
being married. The real cause, I suspect, consists in a 
dislike to becoming grandfathers and grandmothers. 

ftpfiotfem Stx p^utttrrtfr atttr jf trst 

It is to be regretted when a woman of talent is not 
born to a fortune ; for the very possession of high intel- 
lectual gifts must unfit her for performing many of the 
duties which devolve upon the sex in ordinary life. Such 
a woman, for instance, as Madame de Stael, would 
hardly cut a distinguished figure as a fabricator of plum- 
puddings ; nor would Joanna Baillie be peculiarly emin- 
ent in the manufacture of goosebery wine, cherry 
bounce, or apple tarts. I can conceive a better con- 
structor of pinnafores, baby linen, and petticoats, than 
Madame de Sevigne; and, in making a fashionable 
gown or pelisse, there would be no great difficulty in 
surpassing L. E. L. or the Misses Porter, even suppos- 
ing these accomplished ladies had served a regular 
apprenticeship to a mantua-maker. Miss Mitford, with 
all her talk about village dresses, would make, I sus- 
pect, an indifferent milliner. That the whole of these 
ladies would find themselves sadly out of their element 
in rectifying butchers', bakers', and confectioners' 
accounts, and in preparing, with their own fair hands, 



201 



pap and gruel for squalling children — to say nothing 
of serving out soap, candles, tea, and table-beer to the 
domestics, can hardly admit of a rational doubt. 

&pJjorfem g>tx f^untrretr antr Secotttr. 

A Yankee is an animal with straight hair, short 
teeth, long back, and no calves to his legs. 

&pl)omm §>u f^uttirretr antr ftfitttr. 

The Gascons are, par excellence, the greatest liars 
in Europe. 

Btfjorfsm &ix l^utrtrtetr mrtr Jfouvtl). 

Cleverness imposes much more upon an ordinary 
person than talent. The former is a light, smart, 
manageable commodity, and can show to advantage in a 
hundred situations, where the latter cannot be brought 
to bear. A clever man is smart, lively, talkative, and 
self conceited: a man of talent is seldom either the one 
or the other. The former is more popular with the 
million, because his intellect approaches more nearly 
to the calibre of their own. 

Sjftorfem g>u f^utitrretr antr tfifi% 

Modesty is one of the leading characteristics of 
great minds. Newton, whose discoveries filled the 

K 



202 

world, and revolutionized the whole empire of science, 
was one of the most unassuming of men. The mighty 
intellect and vast achievements of Laplace, only ren- 
dered him more conscious of his own ignorance; so 
true it is, that the more men know, the less do they 
think of themselves. 

&pl)0tujm Sbix f^untrretr atttr StxtJ. 
The best copyists in the world, are the Chinese. 

&pDoru$m g>u i^tmtrtrtr atttr SebentJ. 

The only passion which age does not blunt, is 
avarice, which, the longer we live, only becomes the 
keener. 

fltfjarfem Sbix f^untrretr atttr OEtgfitf). 

The step of a Frenchman is too short, that of an 
Englishman too long. The former is minced and affec- 
ted, while the latter smacks too much of the grenadier. 
A little of the one added to the other, would consti- 
tute exactly the proper walking pace. 

&p?)otumt &ii Huttfcretr antr $mtf). 

If, in a foreign country, you see a man standing with 
his back to the fire, and the skirts of his coat kept 
apart and hanging in front over his fore- arms — thus 



203 

exposing the broadest part of his body to the influence 
of the heat — while, at the same time, he has both 
hands in his breeches pockets, you may, to a dead 
certainty, pronounce him a native of Great Britain, or 
Ireland. 

^Dorfem gix j^untrretr stttr Centf), 

Avoid speaking to yourself. A person looks 
extremely foolish, when caught in such a predicament. 

It is highly absurd to press people to eat or drink. 
To force a man to consume more than he desires, is 
compelling him to bestialize himself, for the purpose 
of obliging his landlord. 

&P$orfem g>u i^utttrretr atttr Ctoelftfj. 

In educating young people, far too little attention is 
paid to the dispositions and talents of the individual. 
It is utterly wrong to make a combative, litigious, bad 
tempered man a parson, and equally so to attempt 
transmuting into a soldier one who has neither activity 
of character nor personal courage. We often, from 
such misdirected powers, meet with priests who should 
have been lawyers, and soldiers who ought to have 
been priests. 



204 

ftjtyorfem 9w f^untrretr antr €f)trteentf). 
The best place to reduce an uppish and self-suffi- 
cient man to his proper level, is London. People of 
this stamp, who come from the provinces with high 
notions of their importance, dwindle into amazingly 
small dimensions in the Metropolis. 

&pf)omm Sbix f^untrretr antr jfouvUtnt% 

When you make a purchase, and hesitate between 
two articles, the best way to settle your doubts is to 
ask the shopkeeper which he would recommend. His 
advice being given, fix upon the one which he pro- 
nounces the worst, and you are sure to be right. 

fttfjoriftm Su Huntrretr antr jfifUtnt% 

Never run an account, unless there is an absolute 
necessity for so doing. Whenever the thing is 
practicable, pay ready money. You thus not only 
procure the article cheaper, but are prevented from 
purchasing follies, which you are very apt to do when 
there is credit in the case. 

&pf)otumt S>ix f^untrretr antr Sixteenth 
The danger of eating ice-creams in hot weather has 
been greatly exaggerated. Their extreme coldness 
renders it impossible to use them rapidly, and the tern 



205 

perature of the body is, therefore, only gradually re- 
duced. A draught of cold water, or ginger beer, under 
such circumstances, is attended with far greater risk. 

Styljimsm &ix l^untrretr antr SebenteentJ. 

A merchant, or country gentleman, who has a 
smattering of literature, and can write a tolerable 
article for a newspaper, is looked upon as a prodigy 
of genius, provided he happens to be rich. With a 
wealthy man, a little learning goes a great way : with 
a poor one, even the highest talents and most exten- 
sive knowledge, are generally little esteemed. 

&pf)orfem &ix f^utttrretr atttr iStgfjteetttf). 

With vulgar minds, much familiarity breeds con- 
tempt. The only way to gain the respect of such 
people., is not to become over intimate with them. 
This applies to the rich vulgar as well as to the poor. 

gtyfjorfem Sbix Huntrretr antr jMneteenQ. 

All admirers of simple perspicuity must be in rap- 
tures with Dr. Johnsons definitions of the words net 
and network. Here they are : " Net — any thing 
made with interstitial vacuities" — " Network anything 
reticulated or decussated at equal distances, with in- 
terstices between the intersections," 



206 

ftjftorfem Sbix p^mrtrrrtr antr Ctoentietf). 
All sensible Catholics laugh at purgatory and 
transubstantiation. Ditto at abstaining on certain days 
from particular kinds of food. 

&25otfem Sbix ^untrretr antr ffito$tttg*iPtttrt. 

A Hint to M. Ps. In franking letters write your 
names in such a manner, as may make it possible to 
decipher them. An absurd affectation of illegibility 
in their signatures has been long in vogue with members 
of the House of Commons. In this particular, they 
might take a lesson from the Peers, with whom such 
folly has not yet become fashionable. I suppose the 
Lords are not ashamed of their names. 

Women are far less apt to get bald than men, neither 
does their hair become so soon grey. I defy any 
physiologist to give a rational explanation of these 
facts. 

&p!)orfem Sbix ^utrtrtrtr ants €totntfr€f)ivti. 

If you hear of a clergyman getting the present of a 
service of plate, or even of a gown or bible, from the 
ladies of his congregation, you may safely bet ten to 
one that he is a bachelor. 



207 

&pf)orismt g>ix p^untrrrtr atrtr ffitoentg^ outti). 
Nothing is so easy as to play the critic. Small 
minds, on being shown a work of genius, whether in art 
or literature, set all their little wits to work to discover 
its defects ; and where none really exist, they are pretty 
sure to invent them. Superior intellects, on the other 
hand — those in particular who excel in the same depart- 
ment as that of the works submitted to them — are 
much more intent on finding out its beauties than its 
errors, and are invariably kind and generous in their 
judgments. Great minds differ from small in nothing 
more than this, that they can afford to bestow praise, 
which the latter cannot. 

Bp jotfem Sbix f^tmtrretr antr fttoentg=-if tftfj. 

It is a common remark that the proper time for 
composition is the morning. This may be the case 
with regard to scientific productions, where great 
accuracy and precision of thinking are required ; but 
as regards works of imagination, there can be no doubt 
that night is the period when, generally speaking, they 
are most felicitously produced. The nocturnal silence, 
the fading fire, the glimmering taper — in short, the 
loneliness and seclusion of the hour, are all favourable 
to the flights of fancy. Independently of this, the 
mind, in such circumstances, acquires a state of morbid 



208 

energy which it can hardly possess under the gaudy 
eye of day, and, consequently, its imaginative produc- 
tions are more apt to be characterised by originality 
and power. 

Stytjorigm &ix f^untrretr antr fttoente^ixtf). 
Good painters are generally good mimics. No 
wonder : painting is essentially a branch of mimicry. 

&pSortsm g>u f^untrretr antr Ctoentg'&ebetttfj. 

The longer we live, the shorter does time appear. 
The theory of this I take to be as follows : — The old 
are more familiar with time than the young. They 
have passed through a greater portion of it, and by 
thus becoming habituated to its progression, think less 
of a given quantity. A year is a great period to a 
child, because, compared with its previous existence, it 
embraces a long era : to the aged it is nothing, 
because, compared with theirs, it is as nothing. A per- 
son accustomed to walk forty miles a day, thinks little 
of ten. Another, whose diurnal walk does not exceed 
three, conceives ten a formidable task. To illustrate 
the point still farther : to a poor man, a guinea is a great 
deal of money; to a rich one, fifty times that sum is 
comparatively nothing. The same law holds with re- 
gard to the estimate of time by the young, who have 
had little of it, and by the old, who have had much. 



209 

&pfjorfem &ix f^untrtetr atrtr &foetttg^Etgfjtfj. 
Never marry a woman who has got a shrill, piercing 
voice : it is almost invariably the sign of a bad temper. 
I do not mean to say that the dove-eyed, soft-voiced 
damsels are always to be trusted, but you run less risk 
with them, than with the others. What says King 
Lear of his beloved daughter, Cordelia? — 

" Her voice was ever soft, 
Gentle and low; an excellent thing in woman." 

&pf)ortsm J?u f^utttrretr antr Cfoentg-fittttfj. 

The English have obtained the reputation of being 
the most suicidal nation in Europe. This is inaccurate : 
our neighbours, the French, are infinitely more addicted 
to the crime of self-murder. Let any one who doubts 
this visit the Morgue in Paris. 

Stytjorigm &ix Hunlrrdr atitr €f)trtt*t5. 

No man (or woman) should be jealous. If he has 
reason to believe that the girl to whom he is attached 
prefers another to himself, then let her go. What 
person of proper feeling or spirit would wish, for a wife, 
one whose undivided affections he did not possess ? It 
is equally foolish to entertain enmity against the 
favoured rival : he did not make the woman's heart, 
and is not answerable for its throbbings in his favour, 
K 2 



210 

&pf)ott<$m gjfr f^utttrrrtr antr C^irts^trst 
Talking of jealousy — do not on any account try to 
make those jealous who are attached to you, for the 
wanton and unfeeling purpose of trying their affection. 
Such conduct is extremely base, though too much 
practised. 

&fl!)0rfem &ix i^untrretr mttr Ctjfotg^econtr. 

Don't suppose that the wig is a modern invention. 
Astyages king of the Medes, and grandfather of Cyrus} 
sported one. For proof of this assertion, see Xeno- 
phon. 

&*>f)or(sm Sbix ^utrtrtetr atrtr Cjtrtg^jirtr. 

It requires a very peculiar talent to be a good 
magazine-writer. Many of our best three volume 
novelists have been put to their wits' end, in attempting 
articles for these works. There is no spinning a long 
yarn in the Magazines. Condensation of thought, 
sharpness, and tact, are indispensably requisite. In a 
novel, if one half is good, the other may be as trashy 
as you please ; but in a magazine, there must be no 
bam or balaam. Every paragraph must tell, and even 
a bad line is not to be tolerated. A person who can- 
not write on these principles, is not fit for the periodi- 
cals. 



211 

No creature is so attached to its young as the mon- 
key. 

partem Six f^utrtrreir atntr Ctjitt^if tftfl. 

When a man and his wife are mutually "my clearing " 
it at a great rate, and addressing each other as Mr. and 
Mrs. instead of by their Christian names, an immediate 
squall may be expected. These signs are infallible. 

&pi)oram Six f^untrretr anir &f>iTtfrSixt% 

When an author begins to copy himself, he is fairly 
"done up," and has reached the end of his tether. 
This is even worse than copying others, and indicates 
more complete intellectual exhaustion, 

&P$orusm Six gjuttirretr attfr €f\ittfrStUrtt% 

No class of persons are so easily deceived, as those 
who pique themselves upon their penetration. 

&p5oram Six f^untrtetr antr €f>ivtfc<®i$% 

Rather than undergo the restraint which some 
people submit to for the purpose of saving their clothes, 
a wise man will wear a suit extra, per annum. It is 
highly absurd to refrain from leaning against the back 
of the chair, lest the coat should be injured. Suppose 



212 

it be damaged a little, have we not the pleasure of 
enjoying, at will, this delightful position. A person 
cannot expect both to save his toggery and enjoy 
pleasure at the same time. 

&pfjortsm Sbix P^uttirrrtr atrtr €i)ivtfc&int% 

It is absurd to say that a person who breaks his 
word would not scruple to violate an oath. The smaller 
offence does not necessarily infer the capability of per- 
petrating the greater. 

^ptjorfem 'Sbix f^untrretr antr if ortietl). 

A man who will yawn in the midst of a good story, 
would cut your throat. 

&ptJorfem Sbix f^untrrrtr antr jfovt&jfmt 

Yawning may be excited by taking hold of the tongs 
and opening them slowly several times. Of course, 
those upon whom the trick is practised must not be 
aware of your design. 

&jrt)orusm Sbi* f^utitrretr ant) ifortg^ecotrtr. 

When imaginative genius displays itself in childhood, 
it is generally accompanied with beauty of person. 
Giulio Regondi, George Aspull, Young Burke, and the 
Infant Lyra, are illustrations of the truth of this remark. 



213 

^ptjortsm £>ia f^unfcretr antr jfovt&€fiivts. 
Platonic love is an absurdity. There is no such 
thing. What people so denominate is not love at all, 
but strong friendship. 

&pfjortsm Sbix ?§untrretr ants if ottg^if ourtf). 

Young people invariably wish to be thought older 
than they are. In a few years they are cured of this 
penchant, and run into the opposite extreme. 

^pljortsm gix ^nntsxtts ants ,jf ortg^ tftf). 

An atheist must be a madman. He believes that 
effects can exist without a cause ; and if this is not 
lunacy, it would be difficult to say what is. 

&pfjortsm £>u p^utttrreir atttr jportg^ftixt!). 

Good operative surgeons are seldom good for any 
thing else in their profession; and the best general 
practitioners of the healing art are the worst operators. 

&p?)oruim Sbix ^nntsvtts autr iForts^ebentJ. 

A medical man whose knowledge is not confined 
entirely to his profession, is more likely to make an 
accomplished practitioner, than one who knows nothing 
else than medicine. The latter are invariably poor 
creatures, who are capable of taking a microscopic view 



214 

of the phenomena, which are presented directly before 
their senses, but are utterly incapable of generalizing 
from the great principles of science, and bringing them 
into practical operation. A man of this kind is easily 
known by an eternal and disgusting introduction of the 
shop into his conversation : the blockhead can talk of 
nothing else ; he bores his hearers, usque ad nauseam, 
with " potion, pill, fell bolus, and disease" — narrates 
some wonderful operation performed, ^e/* se — tells us of a 
miraculous discovery, (doubtless as important as that of 
America,) which he has just made by virtue of the steth- 
oscope ; and, in short, proves very satisfactorily, that the 
noblest of professions may be made to appear revolting 
and ridiculous in the hands of ignoramuses, like himself. 
It is absurd to call John Hunter a mere surgeon : a man 
of his expansive genius never, by any possibility, could 
have been so. Hunter was not only the greatest of 
surgeons but one of the greatest philosophers of modern 
times ; and had he peculiarly directed his mind to any 
thing else, he would have shone in it as brightly as in 
that department, which he did so much to honour and 
adorn. 

&pfjorfem g>u f^untrretr atrtr $ ortg^igfjtfj. 

The most unhappy beings on the face of the earth 
are politicians. 



215 

&p!)orfem g>u f^untrtetr atrtr jf otts^jfttntf). 
Those who express most sympathy for the misfor- 
tunes of others, are the least likely to lend them a 
helping hand in their distress. Crocodile tears, how- 
ever, they are willing to bestow in abundance, which 
must be a great comfort to the unhappy friends on 
whose behalf they are shed. 

&a$oru$m g>t.t f^uttircetr atttr jf tftfetl). 

Great moralisers are invariably cold hearted hypo- 
crites. Joseph Surface, in the School for Scandal, is 
a capital specimen of this class of beings. Well has it 
been remarked that hypocrisy is the homage which vice 
pays to virtue. 

®$fjoxizm Six p^utrtrretr antr tfiitfrtfixtt. 

If you are wealthy, and treated with great respect 
and attention, asked frequently out to dine with the 
rich, and appointed manager of public institutions, and 
so forth, the chances are that it is not merit, but your 
purse, which procures you such distinctions. Wealthy 
people are very apt to take an opposite view of the 
case, and to suppose that to their talents or personal 
worth do they owe these honours ; hence the insufferable 
pride so often attendant upon the footsteps of opulence. 
When such people, from unpropitious circumstances, 



216 

lose their wealth, how miserably do they often sink in 
the scale of society ! They become thoroughly and 
essentially contemptible : their fair weather friends find 
it convenient to give them the cut direct, and they go 
sneaking about the public streets with threadbare coats 
and broken hearts. The greater their former state, the 
more complete their present degradation. Verily, 
" pride has got a fall;" and the world, with its usual 
good nature, acts up to the maxim of keeping a man 
down when he is down. Had these luckless spirits 
possessed native dignity or greatness of mind, the loss 
of their cash, though it impoverished, would never 
have rendered them contemptible ; but any glory which 
they had being built upon the fortuitous groundwork of 
wealth, necessarily sunk with its foundation, and left 
them in their native character of insignificance. 

&pljcirfem &ix J^untrretr antr ,jf tftg-Secontr. 

Never tickle children. It is a most cruel practice, 
which may throw them into convulsions, and render them 
nervous for life. Better to give them a good beating 
at once. 

&pf)orumt g>u f^untrcetr antr if tftg^Tfjtrir. 

Children should never be entertained with stories of 
ghosts or murders. The sooner the " raw head and 



217 

bloody bone" school of education is abolished the 
better. These horrible tales make a most forcible 
impression on the minds of young people, which it may 
require years to eradicate. Never frighten a child. 
If of a delicate, timid temperament, it may be injured 
for life by such a practice; and even bold children 
may be converted into arrant cowards. 

&pfjorts$m Six f^untrretr antr dfiftyzjf(mxt% 
Well-meaning men — so called — are ninnies. 

ggftortsm £tx i^tmtrretr antr tfift&tfii\% 

Good-natured women are angels. 

P. S. Always supposing them to be good-looking. 

&pfjottsm Sblx i^utrtrrstr antr jfift$~&ixtfj. 

The only labour which people never grudge to per- 
form is that of mastication. The jaws are most willing 
and indefatigable servants. 

&pf)otfem Six Htmtrtetr atttr ,jf tftg^bentf). 

No person has any right to complain of the extor- 
tion of quacks. Their trade is one of imposture ; and 
those who are simple enough to trust themselves in 
their clutches, have only themselves to blame. They 
deserve to be well fleeced for their folly. 



218 

&pf)orumt §bix i^untrretr mttr jfiitfct&igfttfi. 

A glutton is an abominable animal — not so an 
epicure who is entitled to rank among the philosophers. 
Some would-be wits, affect to sneer at epicures, as if 
so important a matter as eating was not worthy of a 
wise man's consideration. People, to live, must eat ; 
and he who can render most pleasant that by which 
they live, must be regarded as a benefactor of his 
species. Had Dr. Kitchener lived in ancient times, 
statues of brass would have been erected to his 
memory; and Monsieur Ude would have received 
divine honours. 

P. S. Epicures are seldom gluttons. 

gtyfjorfem Six ifeuvfovtb amtr ,if tft^jfttntt). 

Of the three British nations, the most difficult to 
gull are the Scotch. 

atyDorfem gix gjuntrreir antr &ixtitt% 

I have spoken of letters of introduction, but there is 
something of the same sort almost equally annoying. 
I allude to the stupid practice some people have got of 
introducing you to any friend whom they may meet 
while in your company. This is extremely annoying. 
It is very hard that a man cannot have the privilege of 
choosing his acquaintances, but must run the risk of 



219 

having any obtuse blockhead, or shallow nincompoop, 
foisted upon him, in this unceremonious manner, by the 
thoughtlessness of some foolish friend, who probably 
thinks he is paying him a compliment in bringing him 
in familiar contact with such animals. The thing is at 
once absurd and annoying, and ought to be put an 
end to. A man should be chary of introducing one friend 
to another — without permission — except in his own 
house. 

^Sorfem g>u f^tmtrrrtr antr StxtgsjFtet 

There are some things, which a man may do with- 
out his character sustaining the slightest injury. He 
may cheat his neighbour to any extent in horse-deal- 
ing, steal umbrellas ad libitum, palm off modern pic- 
tures and cameos for antiques, and borrow money 
without repaying it. 

partem &ix f^utrtrrrir mtir Stxt^Secontr. 

It is highly absurd to call drunkenness a beastly 
habit. Who ever heard of a beast that was addicted 
to tippling ! It is too bad to libel the lower animals 
after this fashion. They are all, without exception, 
members of the Temperance Society, and very strict 
ones too ; for their abstinence is not confined to ardent 
spirits, but extends to wine, malt-liquor, and every 



220 

other intoxicating agent. Nor, when overtaken with low 
spirits, have they even recourse to tea or coffee, for 
the purpose of rallying them, as was the case with 
Voltaire, Fontenelle, and other philosophers. Epicures 
some of them may be, and others gluttons, but not one 
of the whole lot can be charged with sacrificing at the 
shrine of Bacchus, or getting drunk in honour of the 
jolly god. 

&pf)orfem Sbix f^untrretr antr £ixtg~&1)trtr. 
Great eaters are intensely selfish; nor does their 
selfishness extend alone to the gratification of the 
stomach, but pervades every action of their lives. The 
same invariable rule does not apply to drunkards. 

&pf)ortsm &ii f^untrretr antr Stxt^jf ourtfj. 

No animal has been more traduced than the rat. 
We vilify him as an anthropophagus because he de- 
vours his own species ; but, in this respect, are human 
beings a whit better ? When pressed for food, and on 
the brink of starvation, do not men, women, and child- 
ren turn cannibals, and eat each other. The rat does 
no more. He is not by nature a cannibal any more 
than ourselves, but is often compelled to become one by 
the force of circumstances. Who ever heard of a rat 
dining upon the body of his friend, if other food were 
procurable ? 



221 

&pf)otumt £u f^untrretr antr Sbtxtg^ tftfj. 
Scotch patriotism is all fudge. No person leaves 
his own country with more readiness than Sawney : in- 
deed, he is the most emigrative animal on the face of 
the globe. That he has as much amor patrice as 
other nations may perhaps be admitted ; but to say that 
he has more, is an assertion in the face of glaring facts 
to the contrary. 

&pf)orfem gu f^untrretr attir Jfctxtg-sHxtf) 

Those whose merits and claims to respect are gener- 
ally recognised, can bear a little quizzery and banter 
without difficulty, and even relish the jokes raised at 
their own expense. Those, again, who have some mis- 
givings as to their consequence or respectability, cannot 
tolerate freedoms of this kind, and sport fire and fury 
if the thing is practised against them. This holds true 
both as regards individuals and nations. The Ameri- 
cans have no patience under national reflections, and 
will be satisfied with nothing but fulsome flattery and 
preposterous and insincere confessions on the part of 
foreigners that they (the Yankees) are superior to 
every other people. How different is this childishness 
from the conduct of the old countries ? The French 
laugh at Monsieur Tonson — the English at that cutting 
satire upon the peculiarities of John Bull, Les Anglaises 



222 

pour Hire, acted in the Parisian theatres; and the 
Scotch at Sir Pertinax Macsycophanh Were such 
national squibs against Jonathan to be performed in 
America, the actors would enjoy the felicity of being 
pelted off the stage for their pains. Poor Anderson 
the singer was kicked out of the United States, for — 
it is said — indulging in some harmless jokes against the 
country while on his passage out. 

&p!jorfem Sbix l^uttXrretr antr Stxt^Sebetttf). 

When a tailor wishes to rest himself, he gets upon 
his feet. 

&ptJo?ism £u f^untrretr atrtr g>txt£4£tgljtf). 

Two of the greatest rarities to be met with are a 
corpulent private soldier and a lean sergeant. 

8ty!)ott<>m £ta ^untrretr ants &ixt&&int% 

The most disinterested of mankind are recruiting 
sergeants, especially those employed in beating up for 
the Indian service. They are so kind as to promise all 
who will accept the bounty and proceed to Hindostan, 
not only speedy promotion to the rank of colonel or 
general, but the certainty of rapidly accumulating a 
large fortune; yet such is their amor patrice, and 
strong desire not to interfere with the fortunes of others, 
that they will on no account undertake the voyage 



223 

themselves, and thus realise in their own persons what 
they have so liberally held out to their neighbours. It is 
impossible not to admire such patriotism. 

&pf)ortsm Jrta f^untrretr antr £ebettti*tfj. 

The most sober people in the world, (if we may be- 
lieve their own account of the matter) are drunkards. 
They never taste a drop ; not they : so help them 
God! 

&p?)cirtsm Su f^untrretr antr srebentg^if trst. 

Never bind a book, until at least six months after it 
has been printed. 

<8$i)ovim gix f^untrretr antr £ebenrg=£econtr. 

Persons who solicit subscriptions are dreadful bores, 
especially when occurring in the shape of friends or 
acquaintances. Many a trashy book have I subscribed 
for, to oblige some " good natured friend." Nothing 
can be more indelicate than requests of this description 
from persons with whom we are so situated that we are 
unwilling to offend them by a refusal. It is the virtual 
picking of a man's pocket. If a person is asked to 
subscribe to any thing, he should have a fair chance of 
refusing it, if he sees fit. 



224 

&pl)orfem Six f^untrretr antr Sbebetits^Jtrtr. 
When a person is sensitively afraid of his courage 
being called in question, he may be looked upon as a 
coward, 

Ep&otusttt Six Htmtrretr atttr Sebetttg^jfourtf). 

Almost all women are aristocrats, and attached to 
monarchy. I never, in the course of my life, met with 
one who was democratically inclined. 

atyfjottsm Six i^untrretr antr S&tntfrjftitf}. 

Next to the Bible, the best book in the world is Cfje 
ISoofc of ^pfiorisms. 



THE END. 



BELL AND BAIN, PRINTERS, GLASGOW. 



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